Do some children attract bullies?

[michone]

Have been observing DSS recently in play situations e.g soft play/ holiday swimming pool and have noticed that quite often he is 'targeted' (for want of a better word) by kids being pushy or aggressive.
He is 8 years old and has lots of issues including violent outbursts towards his parents and sister. He is quite manipulative and controlling and always wants to get the upper hand. But outwardly to others he generally seems quite well behaved and approachable, polite, well mannered etc.
He has had issues at school with being bullied and has been attached by random kids at soft plays etc. in the pool today, 2 separate groups of children started splashing him, jumping on him etc and generally being aggressive. He did nothing at all to preempt this and didn't really react other than trying to walk away and looking at me as if he didn't know what to do.
It got me thinking that he seems to attract this kind of behavior a lot and I don't know why. Is this a thing? Are some kids just more prone to attracting the wrong attention?

Attacked not attached!!
Suppose I'm wondering whether there is anything we can do to help with this!

Yep, DD seems to attract bullies. Always has, even as a toddler. No one can work out why!

We work hard with her on empathy and on how the bullies must be finding it hard to learn to understand other people matter and isn't it sad they're so slow, so she doesn't copy. Much.

One of my twins is like this too! He seems to get set upon by other children. He's just turned three and does nothing noticeably different to the other twin (both tend to play quietly alone), but always seems to end up with someone or a group of other children being unkind to him.

Total mystery on how to tackle it but will follow with interest if anyone has any good ideas.

This is really common in children on the autism spectrum.

When they are younger, their peers don't notice their differences so much but, as they all mature, the gap in social skills increases and NT children are very perceptive. They soon cotton on if a child isn't quite up with the social communication going on around them and take full advantage.

My DD1 told me when she was diagnosed with Aspergers that she was relieved to know that there was a reason why she had always felt like there was a level of communication going on between her peers that she was missing and meant she always became the butt of the jokes.

She dealt with it by finding ways to avoid ever being around other young people without adult supervision throughout high school and staying in the nurture base as much as possible.

She found life a lot easier in sixth form and there are lots of kindred spirits for her at university so she's not being bullied any more.

@Goldmandra this is quite interesting as we have often hD thoughts about asd but DSS behaves perfectly at school and seems to be able to switch on and off rages when it suits him?

@Goldmandra this is quite interesting as we have often hD thoughts about asd but DSS behaves perfectly at school and seems to be able to switch on and off rages when it suits him?#

I wouldn't want to suggest that he has ASD but perhaps this is something you could look into further.

It is extremely common for children with high functioning ASD to mask their difficulties in school and other places but fall to pieces at home and display very challenging behaviour. The challenging behaviour is often the result of not having the help they need at school, finding the environment very difficult to cope with and being exhausted by the effort it takes to hide their difficulties and fit in there. They don't feel able to express themselves honestly until they are in their safe place (home) around people they trust.

Children with ASD are often described as manipulative and controlling and wanting things their own way. This is usually the result of a child who finds the world to be a scary unpredictable place trying to control the things they can influence in order to reduce their stress and anxiety. Both of my girls have been more controlling when their anxiety has been less manageable.

If you see the rages as meltdowns and the only way he is able to express his distress, might you find them more understandable? Children with ASD are often delayed in their ability to understand and label their own emotions so they sometimes know something is wrong but don't know that the feeling is anger or what has caused it.

It might help you to look for a facebook group for parents of children with autism or aspergers and see if it helps you understand his behaviour a little better. If he does have autism, you will quickly learn new ways to support him and help the world feel like a safer, more predictable place.

@Goldmandra this actually rings so true for him. Thank you for your
Advice I will certainly be sharing this with DH

You're welcome. I hope you find some answers soon.