2yr old goes Batshit INSANE when I say no

[JustDontGetItAtAll]

Hi I know some of you are going to be a bit like at me and think "Well all 2yr olds act like that...?" However I'm certain this is extra crazy.

Whenever I say anything remotely like 'No' even calmly and in a friendly tone, or even if I just say "Yes, hang on sweetie" (or similar) - She LOSES it like some possessed creature in a horror movie on fast forward. Any implication that she isn't going to get what she wants, or even if you calmly/breezily offer her something like a drink that she doesn't want - BATSHIT. Bangs head on floor HARD several times, looks around for things (of hers or anyone elses) to throw, knock off or tear up. She's even lashed out at me on several occasions and really hurt me (I have Disabilities which cause me to be hurt very easily). Which I don't get as she hasn't witnessed violence at home at all...?

Obviously I tell her firmly and clearly that she is NOT to do that, that she is naughty etc. Yes, I do raise my voice which I realise is controversial but honestly, if you saw some of the states she gets into and some of the damage she has caused to both the house and actually to me as well, I think you'd understand why I've shouted, even if you don't fully agree with it.

She's exactly two & half years old and isn't a spoilt brat either. I'm a lone parent. I certainly haven't ever just 'given in' to all her demands. Her Dad doesn't see her (his choice).

The hardest part, is that she is still partially non-verbal, especially when it comes to her speech. Some of the things I say that she understands, she can't say herself if that makes sense? (Awaiting a referral to Speech & Language Therapy to address that issue). So I struggle to explain things to her. She really doesn't understand a lot of what I say to her, despite my best efforts.

I did wonder if she may have Additional Needs, however the Health Visitor doesn't think so and neither does the GP. So I agreed to wait a while and see how she gets on.

I can't try Time Out as I know exactly how she'll react! The only place we can do that in our tiny tiny house, is at the bottom of the stairs. She LOVES playing on the stairs. It would not be any kind of punishment. Especially as she is still not understanding everything I'm saying to her, so she wouldn't understand that it's a punishment for her actions.

I'll be honest, and please be kind about this, it's got to the stage now where when she asks for something ("Go Holiday?" "Cake?" "Go Grandmas?") and I know we/she can't or I won't let her etc, I start to ever so slightly worry, knowing that she's going to lose it! Honestly, my heart sinks. My blood runs cold. My eyes close and I await the storm....

Is this normal??? Please tell me this is just an extreme case of the 'Terrible Twos' and that she's just passionate or highly strung...!

Sorry for the long OP. I was trying to avoid the 'Drip Feed!'

Thanks, will reply when I can x

Anyone.....?

MNHQ - Probs best to delete this thread as nobody has bothered to reply!!!! 😢

Sorry nobody's replied to you op. I'm not an expert but this does sound like normal two year old behaviour. Perhaps towards the more difficult end though. Some children are more sensitive and highly strung than others: I'm not sure what advice to give except that you need to try to stay calm, act like the tantrum is not upsetting you at all and most of all, be consistent. Don't give in to a tantrum because more will follow.
With my ds I do find that a bit of sympathy goes a long way. Instead of telling him he's wrong or to stop crying I might say "gosh I'm not surprised you're upset, having to leave soft play is disappointing isn't it? Then cheerfully talk about other plans you have. It's not a magic trick but does help the child to calm down because they felt listened to.

Aww, sorry no one replied. It's probably because you posted at a busy time so your thread got lost in the millions of AIBU's

Your DD does sound a bit extreme going by your descriptions but I've known other kids behave in quite an extreme way at that age.

Although your GP and health visitor don't think there is anything to worry about when you saw them doesn't mean that they won't want to review things from time to time. No GP or health visitor would give you a definite diagnosis that there is nothing 'wrong' with her. That's not how it works.

I'm completely unqualified so take my suggestions with that in mind but have you tried role play? Can you play out scenarios where she has to respond to being told no. Talk about choices, feelings and outcomes etc etc Might not work but might be worth a try.

I found with behaviour that one of the biggest factors was tiredness. It's boring to have to be so rigid but persevering with set bedtimes and good sleep habits was worthwhile for me,

Exercise, food and restricting screen time all help. It's easy to give in to them especially when you are tired but in the long run it's better to make sure the basics are sorted.

I know it's really hard to be consistent with punishments but I think it's really important.

I don't agree that shouting is of any use, in fact I think it encourages little DC to copy the out of control behaviour. I wish I could say I never shouted because I did but I really tried not to and I'm pretty sure I didn't when my DC were that young.

If you are worried you really need to go back to your health visitor and Doctor, perhaps you could video her at her worst.

Good luck.

I think getting angry and loud yourself will probably encourage her even more. She probably likes getting a reaction from you. I like the suggestion of being sympathetic and cheerful when it's a no, it will bore her eventually. Highly strung young would be a pain, but she will go far when she's an adult :-)

That sounds tough. What I found with my 2 who had speech & language difficulties as toddlers, is that things worked a bit better if I gave an instruction like "hands down" "sit down" rather than "don't hit" "stop that" etc. That being said, when they were in the throes of a meltdown it was more a case of waiting it out when they had gone fully into the zone.

Have a look a time timers- they're really good for helping children to learn about time which is difficult concept for most toddlers, but as your DD is very much in the moment it may help with the "in 5 minutes" triggers.

My 20 month old has recently started this behaviour, including the head banging thing. It's a freakin nightmare...I've just been trying to distract him when he can't get what he wants. It's so draining. I guess we just have to wait it out...

Sorry everyone, I had given up on this thread so I never checked on it again until now!

I can't explain much to her as she doesn't understand a great deal. I really think there is something wrong. For instance she will say (in her good mood) "Mummy! pleeeease?" In the tone of asking a question, but just says total incomprehensible drivel, followed by a heartfelt pleeeeease? Then if I don't give her what she's asking or allow what ever the hell she was asking, she goes from a nice giggly mood, to possessed angry monster instantly. Even if I say "Drink?" "Snack?" (Which she does understand). Even when trying to calm her down, she just doesn't get what I'm trying to tell her. No matter how calmly yet firmly I say it to her?

If my Mum (who she adores btw and acts like a veritable angel around!) nips out to the garage quickly for instance - chaos ensues and I mean CHAOS. Doesn't matter how many times I say to her that "Grandma's coming back!" or "She's coming back!!" she just does NOT get it! Doesn't understand a word of it. Will continue the pandemonium until my Mum comes back.
Surely at 2.5 yrs old, she should understand what "She's coming back" means???? Or am I possibly expecting a bit much? X

Hmm has she had speech therapy intervention? Sounds like she's getting very frustrated at not being able to communicate properly.

WRT time outs we are using 'one warning....stop (insert unusual and imaginative ways of breaking something/making a lot of noise here), two warnings...stop (etc) and three warnings and it's a time out.

I use really plain language and counting (one, two, three) rather than first,second third (which makes more grammatical sense but it harder to follow).

The time out I give are really lame. It's usually around 30 seconds and I stand with him being quiet or counting. It's not in a particular place as such, just has to be away from where the problem has been.

Always follow through!

There is so little point shouting at a 2.5yr old, although I have done it and can understand where you are coming from. But following a plan for when they are going off the chart helps with the self control.

And distraction helps? Is granny leaving so bad if she has a yummy biscuit? Basically I'm a lightweight bribing kinda parent!

That's what my Mum say's Horrid!
*
Henrietta* Thanks. Nothing wrong with bribery if it works! Consultant & Behavioural Specialist advised against time out as she is apparently "too young to fully understand why she is there and that it is a punishment" as they apparently "forget what they've done almost instantly" She also said that because she isn't understanding a huge amount of what I'm saying to her, that when I try to explain to her why she's on timeout, she's even less likely to understand why she's there. She advised using Timeout at age 4+

Whoops sorry just re read and you're waiting for a speech and Lang appointment aren't you? Hopefully that'll help a bit.

I guess cause a consultant says time outs don't work it must be true, they have years of study and experience behind them. But, if my 2.5 year old is shouting in my face, literally screaming for no reason, and I calmly ask him to stop twice, then remove him from the situation he stops screaming.
No raised voice on my part, no anger, no frustration. He cries a bit, stops shouting, has a hug and is told that I love him.

I agree with the consultant, it's not a punishment. I guess I didn't write clearly? It's just a suggestion of a way to allow you to get a handle when things are spiralling out of your grasp.

Mine have both dove this, though at different stages. One has ASD, the other is neurotypical afaik.

I don't do time out exactly; the paediatrician told us it basically teaches them your love is conditional, which is damaging for them. But she said stepping back is fine as long as you stay within sight - don't move them, don't turn your back, but tell them clearly a couple of times to come for a hug when they've calmed down. She said don't let it feel like rejection because they can't help their emotions, they just need help learning to deal with them; you're looking to lessen the emotion in the room.

I hope that helps a bit. It's helped us. I ask her every couple of minutes if she's ready for a hug yet, or hold my arms out to her, though it can be anything from a couple of minutes to half an hour!