2.5 year old discipline

[Viperama]

My DS is a very sweet, funny, active boy. DP and I have been using time out quite a lot, from refusing to eat his dinner, to having a freak out over not letting him watch cartoons etc etc
We use his bed as timeout, and don't always necessarily leave him there if en-route he says sorry and that he will do as he's told.

I've had reservations about this for a while, are we are basically driving his free will from him by continually making him do as he's told. I don't want to raise a sheep!
But the crunch came yesterday when we met a nursery friend in the play ground. They were behind a piece of equipment and DS started saying no-no-no-no and sobbing at the same time. I could see his friend was pushing him continuously in the chest. DS wasn't standing up for his self, he was a victim and appeared to have resigned to the role of victim. In the end the boy pushed him hard enough that DS fell backwards on to his bottom. Now this boy is shorter than my son. It was evens.
What shook me was that as my son was saying no-no-no-no he said this in the same manner as he does at times we are marching to his room for time out. I guess this is the noise he makes when he feels he is helpless in a situation.
I now feel like a bully.
Spoke with my DP last night that we may need to change tac completely as it feels like we may be raising a mouse with our parenting methods.
Umph, anyone have any good parenting book recommendations? My parents were very authoritarian and I'm a good person so have followed their style, but I have to admit I was bullied as a child and did not stand up for myself, so maybe there's a point here.
Help!

Sorry to drip feed, can I also add that we always give warnings, and choices to make, alternatives to time out, explain why he may have time out, and discuss why he had time out for a significant amount of time after.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is good. It focuses on trying but to encourage their intrinsic motivation, rather than teaching them to obey you or behave a certain way just to please others.

Good luck!

'How to talk so little kids listen' is good. It gives lots of tips on how to get them to do what you want / not kick off in the first place so hopefully you have less times you need to discipline.

How often is he going for time out? I use the same method but only when she's done she something quite bad. I let a lot go and let her have her way quite often, where appropriate. I think it's important for them to know that their opinion matters.

I wouldn't do time out for not eating his dinner btw. He might not be hungry! Just take it away and don't make a fuss.

I have a 2.5 yr old and don't use time out with her. I just reprimand her and tell her to say sorry (doesn't always work!). I remember reading somewhere that you should never send them to bed as punishment as you don't want them to develop a hatred of going to bed. Maybe choose a different time out spot, if you're going to keep with that method.

Viperama, I was having the same conversation with OH a couple of days ago, started to think I was being too strict. I'm finding it hard to find the balance between being too strict and not disciplining enough. It's hard! I don't want to get it wrong!
So, sorry I have no advice but just wanted to message as it's nice to know I'm/you're not the only one!

Thanks for the book tips others posters

I think you need to pick your battles over which things you're going to discipline on. Maybe set some house rules on the important stuff and things you want to stop such as hitting/breaking things - things that actually are a real no no. With our now 5 year old, those are the things that result in time out straight away. Personally I don't think it's worth punishing not eating tea - as a PP said, he might not be hungry, and you don't want to create a situation where he's eating to avoid punishment. Same with having a paddy if he can't watch TV. 2 year olds can't rationalise and contain their frustration over what seems like silly stuff. He's not misbehaving, he's just reacting the only way his brain will let him. Let him have his paddy, don't react to it, and then when he's done, offer him a hug and carry on as you were. It doesn't need punishment and he needs to feel that things are ok even after he's lost his head like that - I.e. that you still love him in spite of it.
I'm saying all this as someone who has read countless books on the matter, and also who feels like I might be too harsh on my kids sometimes. It's taken me a while to chill out a bit but I still often get it wrong. Let him sometimes get his way - I've had lots of fun teaching my 5 year old to try to do a 'deal' to get where she wants. Sometimes I'll say no to something in default, and she'll have a go at negotiating- if she does a good job, I will sometimes change my mind. As a PP above said, they need to feel that they have a voice and can assert themselves, even if it doesn't always get them what they want.
I'm not sure if any of that helps!

I don't think children under 3 need disciplining, I think they need understanding (not trying to sound wet here) and re-direction. I don't believe they are really aware at this age and therefore are not being naughty. I personally didn't start tone outs until age 3 when ds had better speech and understanding

Time outs not tone outs!