9 year old girl is quiet, not shy, how can I help her out of her shell a bit?

[Janus]

Just that really!

She's the most beautiful girl, she wants to help everyone but I think it's starting to be to her own detriment. She has the most lovely nature and would give anything to anyone. She is very popular at school and doing well and has lovely friends but I think she likes to please them.

Examples this weekend, we went to lunch followed by a park yesterday. Her and her brother were waiting for the swings to be free, when they were she and my son ran over, she got to one first so did another girl. The other girl had her sister running over who said to my girl 'that's my swing, give it' (or similar) so my daughter just did! That's fine, I wasn't there so didn't hear it but saw her give up her swing so went to see why and she told me. We waited for the swings to be free. I did think about asking to the girl to get off as it wasn't actually her turn but didn't want a playground battle so left it.

Today we went to a party and it was an activity and she was invited along but it was for my son and his class but the birthday girl has a sibling her age so it was nice for them to be together. Then a boy from our party (3 years younger) pushed in front several times (she told me later), I only noticed it once, didn't mention it to him, they were all excited etc.

The birthday girl's father actually said a couple of times 'shhhh', 'oh do be quiet', to mine as a sarcastic comment. I told him she was just quiet but made it so that he knew it wasn't actually very nice and he didn't say it again.

I don't know if she's shy but I'd say not as she had the lead in the school play last year and didn't once worry about being on stage in front of the whole (large) school, or worry about forgetting her lines. She does lots of activities after school and stuff like Brownies. She likes all of that. In a group of her friends she is just as loud as the others, has a good time, laughs lots.

She is happy at home and laughs and talks to us but not as much as other siblings. I'd say she's very much a happy girl but is just a bit quieter.

Should I be worried that she's quiet? Can I help her be a bit more outgoing in new circumstances? I've thought about her joining a drama group, would this be a good idea? Any thoughts?

Thank you.

Your concerns are valid...I have two girls and am mindful of them being too polite and falling back behind others too much. My youngest is bright, popular and funny but at a party will wait till all the other children have been given for example a party bag or prize...never pushed herself to the fore at all.

However she is also very giving and generous and I do think this trait has possibly contributed to her popularity. She never thinks twice about sharing...or checking others are ok.

I think that's a good thing.

Just keep reminding her that she's wonderful but that now and then it's ok to be a bit pushy.

Thank you Mrs, your daughter sounds exactly like mine! Yes, she would do anything for anyone and as lovely as that is I sometimes think she always puts other peoples' needs above her own.

I've just said to her it's OK to tell someone off for pushing you aside or being rude to you, I honestly don't think it even occurs to her, bless her!

I note my DD is not backwards in coming forwards among her friends...when they have little spats, she's capable of holding her own.

I think the wider social world is another matter...but 9 is so young...(mine's 9 too) and it will come gradually I think.

Oh if only more adults were like your children! I was brought up always to consider others first and you do sometimes feel like you 'lose out' (e.g. you'll have no seat for the 3 hour bus ride or won't get the last packet of X from the shelf) but if more people were less 'me, me, me', I'm sure the world would be a more pleasant place. Don't worry!

Resipsa, I was brought up that way too so it's obviously rubbed off on mine too! I just worry that she ALWAYS puts others first, even with really close friends, her siblings, etc, she doesn't ever seem to 'put up a fight' even when she's in the right. I'm sure/I hope it will come with age, i.e. she has to learn to be a bit assertive. I'm telling her/pointing out when she could have said something so I guess she will grasp it.

Thank you both of you.

She's sounds exactly like my 7 yr old dd. Quiet reserved and always avoids an argument but put her on a stage to dance and she has all the confidence in the world. I've stopped worrying, she is happy has friends and actually avoids most of the friendship dramas by quietly walking away. I can't and don't want to change who she is. She is a little oasis of calm in a frantic world most of them time !

I was brought up the opposite! Our house was so full of kids that if you didn't snatch a bit, then you often missed out. Both parents worked full time and we were quite often alone as there were big age gaps...so the older sibs were in charge.

This meant that you could get ripped off by your brothers and sisters in terms of biscuits or other things.

I was a bit possesive of food for years! I've only recently been able to share things like chocolate. I had so few sweets that when I got them, I hoarded them.

My DD's have somehow managed to avoid catching this from me!

Thank you, I like that phrase 'oasis of calm', that describes her very well!! She also has 3 siblings so I sometimes worry she is somehow overlooked because she is 'the good one', I am spending more time talking with her and checking everything is OK but she's just always happy and positive about life so I think I'm overthinking this all!!