My childminder says she cant cope with my 1year old

[Jekyllandhydesmother]

It's so embarrassing and makes me feel like such a shit parent.
He apparently throws chairs and toys and hits and pulls the other children. He also bites fairly often.
She keeps guilt tripping me. I just don't know what to do.
He is a nightmare with other children when we're out too but can also be very loving he's into violent love
I know he gets so frustrated when he can't do things (like when his cars won't line up the way he wants) or can't communicate what he wants.
He's always been particularly boisterous in comparison to his "friends" the same age.

I'm so upset with the way he is but we either remove him from the situation or distract him.

Surely a childminder should know how to handle a 20month old???

You only have him to deal with though it must be hard for her if she's got other kids to look after.

Personally I would be being more strict. If he's only getting removed / distracted then how does he know it's not acceptable? Have you tried naughty step etc.?

I can't talk though, my toddler isn't violent but she's pretty naughty in other ways. Toddlers are physically and emotionally draining!

How many children does she mind?

We do discipline he too though. Before he gets taken away/distracted he gets told its not acceptable and to apologize.

She has a 3 & 4 year old and a 10 month old.

I fully appreciate it's hard with other kids but she knows how we discipline. What I don't appreciate is being guilt tripped :(

It sounds like she is teeing up to tell you it's not working out. I suggest you start looking around for someone else. If he really is very bad then you might have similar issues with the next childminder so might be time to step up the work on his behaviour.

It's easier for you when you only have your son. CM has had a responsibility for the other kids too. Every incident where your son bites or hits another child causing an injury needs to be recorded and parents notified. Maybe other parents are questioning why their kids are being bit or hurt regularly?

Also if she had a baby too she will be constantly on edge trying to keep your son occupied and avoiding frustration and then him throwing things which could be catastrophic if he hit the baby.

If your son's behaviour is impacting on the time she spends with the others or is putting the others in danger them then she is right to bring it up with you and consider cancelling the contract. No CM does this lightly only when all other options have been exhausted.

Perhaps you need a discussion with the CM without kids present so you can discuss discipline and measures you both can use to help him deal with his frustrations so you are all presenting the same front and he knows what is acceptable behaviour and what behaviour has consequences. It's not easy and your son may be better in a different setting with less children but you won't know all the problems from CM pov until you have had a chat.
Good luck

What's frustrating is that I have asked her outright if he'd be better off elsewhere. He's already gonna be at a nursery one day a week from September.

He was perfect today and we were out with another child. I guess it's hard to know what to do when I can't see what she's doing to discipline him. I think consistency will definitely help so I'm willing to follow her lead but she says she's doing the same as me.

Realistically, can a 20 month old understand consequences? What approaches can I take? As evidently something isn't working

Time out, naughty step and ignore him/don't give bad behaviour fuss or attention. No point making him apologise; kids don't feel guilty until about 8! If he is bad then say no, end whatever fun he's having there and then, sit him in the corner/step for 5 mins. Then move on. Don't go back over it - he's too little to get it.