12 year old son with ASD school refusing

[cheekymonk]

DS, aged 12 was diagnosed with high functioning autism a year ago. He has always had lots of friends and enjoyed school. He did lots of clubs as a child and is very intelligent. He suffers from very high levels of anxiety and is very dependent on his iPad and Xbox at home, finding them soothing I think. Over the last 6 months he his attendance has gone down hill, missing school at least one day a week.

On weekends he will refuse to go anywhere and likes his meals in his room ideally. At school he masks and I see him mucking about with his mates on his Instagram videos on his walk home from school. He often rings me or DH to pick him up halfway on journey home and drop him off part way. The walk to school is 1.2 miles. DS has gained weight, he is currently a 38 inch waist. He is tall almost 5 ft 7.

I feel heartbroken, I can see he is struggling and feel like he has a poor quality of life. He does take Propranolol. I have been to GP and he has been re-referred to CAMHS.

School are results orientated and the pastoral care is crap. Today as I was about to take DS to school he told me as he was getting in the car that his trousers had a hole in the crotch. Neither of his other trousers fit and he had a meltdown. I had to get to work so DH took over. DH took him to GP, to get new trousers and then to school. He refused to leave car so whilst DH saw head of house another teacher coaxed DS out of car and into school. Apparently he was 'fine' the rest of the day.

I don't know what to do or how to help him
What can I do???

That sounds so tough cheeky and haven't got anything to suggest apart from asking MNHQ to move your post to the Special Needs board.

Hope you get sone useful responses there

Thanks everyone talk. I know it should go on SN chat but it can be quiet there, understandably- SN Parent's get even less time!

Anyone?

I'd heard the SN board has gone quiet. I wonder where everyone is? Hopefully this will bump for you.

You need to spend some time finding out what he finds hard about school. Try to talk shoulder to shoulder, rather than face to face, e.g. while in the car or doing a craft activity together because this can make talking easier.

Ask him what his school would be like if he could wave a magic wand and create one that's perfect for him. You can use his answers to explore further what he's struggling with and what he needs school to change for him. Record his answers and share them with school.

Make sure he knows you are on his side and that you understand it is his anxiety that is preventing him from attending, not bad behaviour.

Don't call it school refusal. He is unable to go; he is not making a choice. Challenge anyone else who calls it refusal.

These two blog posts might help you. One is about being unable to attend and the second is about children who look fine in school but aren't.

Thanks Goldmandra, yes I understand it is that he is not able to cope with school but people seem to understand it better as school refusal.

Thank you for your answer too. Will check those blogs out and try your suggestions.

people seem to understand it better as school refusal.

There are far too many professionals around who will use the term school refusal to imply that this is a behaviour issue and the child just needs firm boundaries. It is cheap and easy to blame parenting and it happens far too often.

I know it sounds alarmist but it really does happen to an awful lot of parents. It does help if your language and what is recorded about your son makes it clear that this is not a choice he is making or your inability to apply boundaries.

Does he have and EHCP plan in place? School need to help work with you to get his specific needs fully assessed - these don't have to be academic specifically. If he needs help above and beyond what can normally be provided then he may qualify for an EHCP. For example - if the large size of the school/large classes/noise all affect him then the placement may be considered wrong for him. An EHCP could place him in a more appropriate school environment. Without a full assessment then these things will not be clear. Sadly you will likely have to push for them and fight for the local authority to take you seriously. Meanwhile make sure you and the school document every problem every single time and log what is being done by the school to help support him. If the school don't support him properly at this stage the LA will pass the buck back and refuse to consider an EHCP until there is some proof that expected support is failing him.

DD was mainstream with school support and then statemented (old style EHCP) but her school just couldn't see the issues, didn't understand. They let her down so badly and we had to fight at tribunal to get her moved to a specialist school. Since then she has been in classes of up to 10 children in a school of around 70-80 children with whole school support for children who are prone to anxiety and have similar issues. She is so much happier there and as she is no longer fighting her emotions is able to learn to her level.

Hi Beautifulgirls, thanks for your reply. No DS does not have an EHCP currently but I intend to apply for an assessment.
I have had a couple of meetings with school and I am always told how highly the staff regard him and what an able boy he is. He has been given passes to leave a lesson early or front of lunch queue but doesn't like to use these. He meets with the inclusion service on a weekly basis to talk about feelings/issues. This has been in place since year 5. He is allowed his fidget spinner. School have copy of his OT report which details things like ensuring he doesn't sit in thoroughfare.
There have been a fair few supply teachers and he subsequently hates Science.
DS is rapidly going down hill in my opinion and I do feel it is the wrong placement for him. I think he is starting to realise this himself.

Those blogs are excellent Goldmandra, thank you.

I also asked that question Goldmandra and his immediate reply was air conditioning which I found interesting! Have made notes of his answers. He's been referred to education welfare officer 😩

He's been referred to education welfare officer 😩

I found it helpful to contact education welfare myself and ask them for support to get my DDs' needs met in school so that they felt able to attend. I made it clear that they wanted to be there, that anxiety was preventing them from attending and we needed help to find ways to make school more manageable.

If you can do that, preferably by email, you have evidence that you are doing everything you can to support your child's attendance.

I did as you advised Goldmandra and let school know that I did that. I got a call almost first thing from school this morning, apologising and attempting to reassure me that DS is not following the normal attendance policy procedures due to his SEN...
The SENCO has also replied to the independent supporter we have who was attempting to persuade school to put in an EHCP request. Their email is incredibly dismissive and states he doesn't need one bit that they would supply any paperwork needed for a parental request. It feels like they are playing hardball.

They don't need to supply paperwork for a parental request. The LA would request records from them when considering whether to carry out the assessment.

Your son has additional needs and is struggling to attend school. He absolutely does need an EHC Needs Assessment.

Professionals who have previously been helpful can become quite obstructive when you start threatening their budgets by pushing to get your child's needs met. You are doing the right thing.

Thanks Goldmandra