Temper and throwing things - not quite 4yrs old... advice?

[Flamesparrow]

DD is picking up on my stress (feeling very guilty about it, trying not to so no lectures there please) and I am finding her harder to handle.

She has always been hard work, so I'm not too sure if I am just not coping, if she is acting up more, or both.

There is jealousy of DS (well, no... wanting of me - she would be like it with anyone wanting my attention not just DS), and just general not getting her own way.

Earlier she wanted to play on the computer which she is doing far too much lately, so I said no. Turned it off... so she turned it back on.

I told her to turn it off and she yelled no at me. I told her to go up to her room - shouting at me always really winds me up so she needs to go there so I can calm down... more yelling no - I ended up taking a piece of pasta every few moments until she did. I calmed, she came back and said sorry, all forgotten.

Fastforward a bit... she wanted tv on and I had said no (for same reasons as computer). She growled at me, but didn't fight the issue. I left the room and heard a clatter - went back and she had thrown her plastic table across the room

Bit later, DS just woken up, feeling rough and clingy and trying to climb on my lap and she pushed him over. I yelled - he is poorly and she was being horrible. Again the pasta squabble to get her upstairs - when I got her up there I realised that she had dragged her mattress off her bed in temper the first time she was up there .

She is a mess... I don't know how to deal with her

I know she needs more warning before I do things - like turning off tv/computer - its all too much and she can't cope, but I don't know how to handle it from there.

Just taking pasta doesn't seem to do much when she is arguing - works great as a threat/deterrant, but not when she is full swing.

My DS2 is the same - hitting me, throwing things, having total tantrums, refusing to walk when we have to take DS1 to school.

No advice as I am not handling it very well
Our DS2 needs tons of exercise as he is a hyperactive bunny - I find a wrestle always calms him down.

thanks for letting me feel I'm not alone!

Any advice for both of us then?

Please?

someone?

When she wants to do something like tv or computer can you try offering her an alternative instead of just saying no? Like, you've played on the computer for a long time now, how about doing a nice drawing for mummy? (or make me a cup of tea from your tea set or look at a picture book etc, etc)

Also, maybe sitting down and agreeing with her how much telly/computer time she can have each day then let her decide when she gets to use it - giving her a sense of some control over the situation instead of just always being told no might help encourage her to improve her behaviour.

And lastly, (and I'm sure you already know this but I'll say it anyway) can you possibly set aside just a little 1-1 time each day that she knows is just for her - even 10 minutes? Say read a story with her before bed without the baby around - and explain to her that this is her special time to be with you.

My DS is 3.5 and from my experience at that age they are old enough to understand all these things if you explain it to them.

I have been trying to offer her other activities but once she has decided how things should be happening she finds it very hard to adjust. (we are querying aspergers right now... she sounds like a spoilt brat when people hear things like this but it seems to run deeper).

You are right with the set times though. We were working everything with a timer at one stage so she could see it counting down, heard it sound when her time was up etc.

I recall discussing using visual things more too - if I were to create some sort of thing where once she has had computer time it gets put into a pot ready for tomorrow?

I will start up bedtime stories again too - she has missed out lately because I have been so exhausted by the evening that I have been just plonking her in bed and collapsing in a bath

Thank you

Stories don't have to be at bedtime. If you find you're too exhausted by then why not do it earlier in the day. It doesn't have to be a story either just a little 1-1 time. Maybe when the baby has a sleep you two could sit and have a snack together. Coffee for you, juice and a biscuit for her and a little chat, or colour in a picture together while your eating. Or let her help you make lunch. Anything that makes her feel like she's got your attention for just a few minutes a day. It sounds like a real struggle at the moment. It will get easier as they get older. One of these days you'll discover the two of them playing quietly together!

Thank you - I will get the kitchen straight so she can make cakes this afternoon