Is there something wrong with my child or something wrong with the nursery??

[saffymum]

Help. I'm fairly hysterical here. The nursery of 6 months have reported spitting, biting and yesterday hitting a teacher. My DS is 3 today. He won't cooperate with them and I have observed this behavior a few months ago and he seems to be like a jack in the box. The health visitor said he looks fine and not got any problems, jsut a normal kid with lots of energy. We cut out many things that have preservatives and gave him organic cordial and stopped sweets and crisps. I started taking him to the park each day after nursery, changing my work hours to fit in an extra hour with him. Things went well for a month or so, I was so proud of my son.

On Sunday the church creche said how he had improved, my friends aunt said how well I was doing as a mum and what a lovely child he was. Then Monday all the wheels fall off after reports of quite a tough week last week. I don't know what to do. I saw his little face yesterday and straight away I knew something was wrong. He wouldn't even look at me and just rolled his eyes. He didn't calm down until late in the evenign. I think there is something wrong but I just can't put my finger on it. The ladies at the nursery (full time 5 days a week) are all 10-15 years experience and more mature ladies but its so regimented and I think its too much for him. they have given me a suggestion that they will be going to the district worker to put in a task plan for the next few weeks and also given me a few phone numbers including a MENTAL health organisation. OMG, I really don't think that this drastic action needs to be taken. I don't know what to do, change nurseries and unsettle him even more? Get an aupair? Quit my job? I need to work, what on earth am I going to do? Help, any suggestions?

((((((HUGS))))))

I have no advice as am not experienced but am sending you hugs and best wishes - am sure this will get sorted - hang in there. x

Could you look at other childcare options. Do you think your son would be happier with a childminder, as this is more of an 'at home' situation, and will probably have more 'one to one' time than a nursery?

saffymum, get a meeting with the nursery staff organised as soon as possible. Talk of 'district workers' (whatever they are) and mental health (wtf?!) are not appropriate unless you have had a full, open meeting where they can raise any concerns, and let you know what they plan to do to help your ds.

Many many 3 year olds are not co-operative - that's what being 3 is all about! Do you think it could be that it's simply too regimented for him? He's very very young and many kids of this age want to be free more than anything else....you sound like you have done all the right things, diet changes, excercise at the park, etc.

Could it be that full time nursery isn't suiting him? It reads like that tbh, from the info here.

Could he go to a childminder? Might he enjoy the relative freedom of being in a home environment? Can you work part time and thus have him in childcare for less time?

However these are just things to mull over; I think you just need an appointment with the nursery; they need to tell you what they can do to help, rather than putting the onus on you or your ds. Good luck.

Has anything changed at the nursery? As a 3 year-old has he been put in a different, bigger group, or have older children or babies been introduced into his group? Does he tell you anyhting about nursery? that he enjoys / does not enjoy any part of it? Anything about other children?

Sympathies over needing to juggle everything. Since he is in nursery f/t, could you manage without also putting him in the church creche on Sundays?

Saffy I completely emphasize with you. My DS has been going to nursery since he was 4 months - now just coming up 4 years old. He has gone through every stage spitting, bitting, hitting, pushing, shouting. Each time it is usually because he has picked the behaviour up from another child, TV or even me!! On one occassion he actually stabbed another child with a fork! Major cringe factor. However I found that the really bad outburst i.e the 'fork incident' as it is reffered to was because a child had been picking on him for about two weeks behind the teachers back and he basically got to boiling point.

If it is general bad behaviour we have a talk about when he gets home and usually the if i get told you are naughty it makes me sad but if you are good it makes mummy happy tends to work. We also ban certain words like stupid or shut-up. All else fails and it is a major event I actually go in to nursery at lunch time and have a talk with him. Only had to do that once and it really worked! If I think another child is making him miserably I talk to the staff and they observe the children and try and ensure that the children do diff activities.

Don't worry from what you have said it sound perfectly normal, but i would try talking to the nursery to find out what is triggering the behaviour.

What about using 3 days of annual leave over the next 3 weeks, taking every wednesday off say, so that you give him a respite from the nursery and one to one time to talk to him, play with him etc. Whenever my dd was acting up I found that if I took time out from work etc to spend with her, her behaviour got back on track.

HI, thanks for all your quick replies. I've spoken to his former nursery key worker (another nursery, moved him 6 months ago) and she says he was very independent and would do things at his own pace. They didn't push him and he would cooperate when it suited him and when something interested him. She never suggested he was referred or anything. eg he would draw but only circles even if you wanted him to draw houses etc and he would sit at circle time but once it bored him he would get up and run off. He played happily choosing his own toys as per his interests. It was a montesorri.

I have clarified that the nursery want to get in the SENCO district worker which is a special needs worker. I have jumped the gun myself and am going to arrange this independently as I want to have first say.

He only goes to creche for 1 hour while I go to church on a Sunday (to pray for sanity ;0) but I agree that giving him fewer hours at the nursery and possibly changing to a childminder would be better in the long run as he seems to need more flexibility.

Last week, as you mentioned BLU they had their ofsted report. So the place was like an army regiment trying to get a good report. They are also settling in new kids so their focus isn't on him like it should be, they are a bit stretched. re the ofsted I asked if he behaved on that day and his key worker had the cheek to say that the ofsted evaluator was told in advance that there was a 'problem child with behavioral issues'.

thanks for all replies.

Hmmmm. I suspect the ofsted visit has a lot to do with this.
at 'problem / behavioural difficulties'.

at "problem child with behavioral difficulties".
That statement alone would make me look for another placement as a matter of urgency, TBH.

agree with violet. Get him moved urgently. He's THREE fgs not a 'problem' child!

Saffy - couldn't not reply to this. My DS is 3.5 and went through a very similar phase in December / January which tied in with his little brother starting at the same nursery, and me going back to work after maternity leave. I used to dread the reports I'd get at the end of every day, and felt like a total failure.....then at a party I mentioned it to one of the other mums, who told me that she was being told the same of her DD, and two other mums were also experiencing the same thing!!! So, we thought maybe it was down to the teacher losing control....about a month ago a new teacher started in the room, and lo and behold all their behaviour has started to improve. I tied this in with a reward chart at home - every day that he was 'good' he got a star, and after 10 days got a Palymobil thingy (10 days took 3 weeks, but it was worth it) and he seems to be back to his usual self.
So, in short - chat with some other mums and see if they're getting the same thing. Has something changed in your DS's life that might be temporarily unsettling him?
I don't think it's too much to worry about TBH - he's 3, that's what 3 year olds do. If you don't feel like you're getting support from the nursery then moving him might be your only option.
HTH.

the nursery's attitude is all wrong , move him find a nice childminder, even if he had issues with behaviour they are treating it all wrong and labelling him already, he is 3 and sounds in the realms of normal to me, honestly, if he is okay everywhere else think why would it only manifest itself at nursery?

sometimes children do bite and hit adn stuff at that age not always abig bad behaioural issue sometimes they jsut feel out of sorts of other children bug them do not take what they say too seriously , get a second opinion

I'd move him, nursery staff sound like army boot camp officers!...I'm not a fan of all older mature staff in Nurseries!

How many days/hours a week is your ds at this establishment?

Bump

Has anyone had experience of being referred at nursery level to the district/borough SENCO? Are they objective and who do they look out for? Child, parent or nursery? Does anyone suggest that I go ahead with this or refuse? I almost feel that I should agree to do it to prove that my son doesn't have any problems for once and for all. Otherwise he is going to have negativity through his whole school career.

saffymum,
Do you have any concerns about his behaviour oyurself at home? If his behaviour is situation-dependent, (i.e. this behaviour only occurs in that nursery) I'd move him to a childminder as others have suggested. Despite many children coping well with nursery at 3, some simply don't and that doesn't mean there's a long term problem. It's normal for children to be raised in a family environment where their carer supports their needs and that sort of individual help is more easily provided by you at home or by a child-minder/nanny. If, on the other hand, you are a bit worried about his behaviour and think he may find school at 5 difficult, it's a good idea to get inot the system now, and see the special needs person, because that should make it easier to access more support in school.

If the SENCo sees your child at nursery, they are likely to see the same behaviour the staff are describing. If they see him at home, they may not, in which case they would say the problem lies with the nursery. Perhaps you could ask them to observe him in the nursery but meet you at home when your son is home, so they can see him in both settings.

I'll stop now. I'm wittering on a bit.

The SENCO will go to the nursery to observe your ds. A good one will not just look at your ds' behaviour but also at what is going on around him. The SENCO should speak to you privately to get your opinions and thoughts. They will also speak to the nursery staff to ask what they think might be going on.

Our local SENCOs have all been great. They were/are very fair and objective and were/are in no way biased. I would go along with it so that you can get the SENCO's opinion but I agree with the others about the attitude of the nursery staff being appalling. Plenty of 3yr-olds hit and/or bite. If they genuinely belive that your ds has some form of SN then referring to him as a "problem child" is even more horrendous IMHO.