Anyone with experience of ODD here?

[MtnBikeChick]

I have a DS6 (nearly 7) who exhibits all the characteristics of oppositional defiance disorder. I am not "labelling" him but I am using the recommended strategies for managing his behaviour and it is really working for me, so this is a good thing. However, I was wondering if anyone has any advice for dealing with an ODD child who does not respond to consequences for the (small number of) unacceptable behaviours in our home? For us these are:

1. Shouting at each other and calling names
2. Hitting each other and throwing things.
3. Breaking toys or other items deliberately.

When he starts shouting and really escalating I use the calm "DS we don't shout at each other in our house, it makes us all feel sad and frightened. I am asking you to stop shouting [at x] now. If you need to calm down then please go to [your room/quiet place] and have some time out to calm down".

Often he continues and then I don't know what to do. I can't drag him physically to another place. Is it best to just ignore? I can't "send" him to a time out, it just does not work. Does anyone have a good "warning/consequence" system that works with an ODD child?

Thank you!

Consequences don't always work well for ODD because ODD is partly about a temporary breakdown in the thinking process, and once that breakdown is under way children stop being aware of consequences, and warnings can be interpreted as threats which only make the breakdown worse. When consequences and warnings don't work your aim is to maintain your DS's calm so he can continue to reason and find a solution to the problem that's making him kick off.

If you can't avoid the escalation then walking away is OK, or sitting with you back to him. Do whatever works to calm him down and not escalate. Some kids do need to be left alone to self calm, they can't cope with any external input when they get into a mentally disorganised state. You might find the strategies in Explosive Child helpful. My DS was a real "explosive-inflexible" at that age and responded beautifully.

If you seriously think he has ODD then you should get him assessed to identify any underlying causes, such as anxiety, ASC, ADD etc, because having good strategies in place to deal with underlying issues will mean far less oppositional behaviour (and make him happier too).

This is so helpful Kleinzeit. We are going to have him assessed. I find he needs to be left alone when he explodes like this and have been struggling with that as other parenting approaches I have read (e.g. Peaceful parent happy kid) say never leave them alone when angry. I sometimes can sit nearby but not always. I am just so relieved to finally have found some strategies that help. I am utterly exhausted by it.

I'm glad you've found some strategies that help. I ended up using a mix-and-match for my DS, some mainstream "positive parenting", some Explosive Child, some ASC-specific because he has an ASC diagnosis, and some making it up as I went along. Even so, sometimes nothing seemed to work! And it is exhausting.

I have no experience of ODD, but I really disagree with the don't leave them alone when angry.
2 of mine (now 9 and 14) used to get really cross, and the best thing I coudl do when they really lost it was to give them a safe space to calm down. I never called it punishment, I used to say you need space to calm down, and put them somewhere (eg bedroom) and walk away.
removing the audience breaks the cycle somehow, and it stopped it much faster.
Once angry, no consequence/threat of consequence works, the brain is flooded with hormones that prevent the choice mechanisms working.