HELP! I'm at breaking point

[DisneyMuminOz]

So, I have two boys. Aged 8 and 4. I will start with a positive. They can be the sweetest boys. They do lots of things that make me so proud. Here's the negative. I can't cope with the behaviour. My 8yr old will stomp and shout like a 2 yr old tantrum. He will strangle his brother if he's annoying him. He constantly says no to me or dad. Together they fight and argue and don't seem to be able to play together unless they are having their tablet/screen time.
The 4yr old, lashes out, hits kicks bites pinches screams. He says the most awful things. For example last week he told me he wanted the house to set on fire and for me to be stuck inside so I can burn and die.
I'm at breaking point, what do I do? Where do I turn?

P.s both boys are well behaved at school, they have no complaints except the younger one can sometimes be a bit stroppy

What do you do now? I get that it's not working, i was just wondering what it was so i don't suggest things you've already tried.

Ive tried, time outs on an 'oh dear' chair (this is what it is called at school). I have tried taking screen time away. Have done numerous reward systems. I have tried every supernanny advice going. I've done positive reinforcement, ignore the negatives. Nothing has worked. The 8yr old is easier when it comes to having his consequence but my 4yr old is so defiant. It can take half hour for him to do a 4min time out.

You poor thing, that all sounds very exhausting/frustrating and really hard going! The fact they're both doing well at school is very encouraging. Just a thought as I discovered this with my 4 year old, could they be watching something on their screen time which looks innocent but is actually rather unnerving leading them to say awful things that they don't understand? Another thought, are these outbursts happening at a certain time of day, tiredness in children is explosive ime. Can they be redirected to some physical activity in the garden/park something like that to burn off excess energy if it's that? As hard as it is to do, remaining calm is very important as they will mimic your reactions in every detail. If you need extra help, I would suggest an appointment with a GP as they could refer you on, if necessary, but from what you've said it sounds like a battle of the wills situation. Don't despair, one way or the other it is fixable once the under lying problem can be discovered! Wishing you all the best!

I could have posted your OP, only mine are 14, 12 and 9!

I think sibling relationships cna be very tricky, and they do/say things that they wouldn't dream of doing/saying to others. Home os the safe zone where they just let out all of those emotions (sigh)

At a guess I would say that the younger one gets frustrated with the older one, who is bigger, faster, stronger etc. He probably nags at and winds the older one up.
The older one probably gets frustrated with the younger one who is an annoying sibling, and he winds him up, just because he can.

I know you have tried a lot of things, and I am struggling myself, so no easy answers, but I wonder if they need things which they can see as theirs. So, older one gets to stay up later on Friday night - Mummy time for the big boy. When I did this with ds we watched Dr Who which was too scary for the younger ones. Focussed time for him, around seomthign he wants to do.
The flip side is give him some responsibility, maybe a household chore to do. Talk about him being the oldest as a positive thing and giving him a status of his own.

Then with younger one, do a similar thing, time for him, he gets to chose, give it name - Jayden's Time, and do some of the stuff that is more appropriate for his age. If you can get the older one on board, you could bribe him with a quite hour on tablet in the other room, while you have special time with younger one. Focus on the differences. Big up things yonger one likes and enjoys.

I guess what I am saying is take away the competativeness by giving them their own things to be good at.