How to deal with a public meltdown during a toddler group

[Firstimemum86]

Ah dear. So today I hit a new low since becoming a parent.

My 21 month old son, love him to bits, is in full on toddler mode- into everything, touching everything, saying new words every day, etc and when he is like this he is lovely and cute and everything is perfect. But we've also hit the meltdown stage. We've hit it hard. The problem is not so much the meltdowns, this is a developmental stage that toddlers go through I hear, the problem is I am completely useless at dealing with them, especially public ones. I need help.

Two recent examples.

Yesterday we went to a mum and toddler group for singing and talking, it's about 45 minutes and the woman leading the group sings throughout and does all kinds of little games- it's pretty structured. He'd been a couple of times before yesterday and he'd managed them ok but I could see yesterday that a) he was tired and b) maybe a little bored/uninterested in the group and c) a bit overwhelmed by noise. I could see him looking at the door to leave and tried to distract him. Another toddler started crying and that was it he made for the door handle and started sobbing, I could see he was at risk of going full blown so I stepped out of the little classroom and calmed him down as best I could in he hallway. He wasn't calming down so I handed him a toy bus that was on the side, and he loved this bus and calmed down, which was great. However, when I tried to put the bus back he would lose it again and not go back in the room because he wanted the bus. Long story short we spent 30 minutes of the 45 minute session in the corridor playing with the bus because I knew he would go nuclear if I forced him back in to the tiny classroom without the bus.

Reading advice columns regarding meltdowns I can't decide if the action I took was the right one. A lot of them say to take the child out of the situation/ to one side until you've calmed them down- I couldn't do that in the room because it was so small so had to take him out of the room. But I've also read and heard that you're teaching them that if they want your attention or want to get out of a situation they don't like they know that throwing a wobbly will do it....which leads me on to today.

Took my son to a swimming pool for first time. It was a toddler swimming group so again it was structured like yesterday. Like I said he'd never been to a pool before so this was all new to him, enjoyed the first ten minutes but then he'd had enough with the exercises and being dunked - it was quite full on for a first experience if I'm honest so I really did sympathise with him. He's never been good with noise too and it was quite noisy.

So he started asking 'mama out out out' to begin with but I persisted in keeping him in the pool, and I even persisted for another five minutes when he went nuclear. In the end I made for the side to take him out because he was so unhappy, but the instructor came over and told me not to because otherwise he will just expect to leave every time he's not enjoying the exercises/getting splashed etc.

So for the remaining 15 20 minutes I was there at the side of the group trying to calm this full on bawling toddler, his cries echoing round the pool. And what happened next? I started sobbing myself, worn down by his tears. In front of group of complete strangers and other toddlers. Hands down the most embarrassing experience of my life

Me, a full grown woman sobbing in a swimming pool because my son is telling me he doesn't like something and I'm ignoring his pleas to leave, and also I'm embarrassed because a) I can't clam down my own child and b) I'm clearing impeding the other parents and children in the group.

It didn't stop there either. He continued to bawl in the small changing room and I continued to stifle my sobs. Another woman tried to speak to him but he batted her away. Another woman asked if she could help by holding him so I could get dressed, but he has been hitting when he is distraught recently so I didn't want to risk that. Another woman tried to reassure me that all mums had had an experience like me at some point with a toddler. They were all kind but I could see that they were, like me, hoping he would wind it down. I sobbed all the way home in the car too.

How do I deal with this? I understood what the instructor meant, but in this situation I just think it was too much too soon for him, I know children start swimming a lot younger than my son but something felt wrong about ignoring his pleas to leave.

So how do I handle a meltdown in group situations? Take him out/to one side to calm him down and either return to the group once he's calm and if he's not calm try again next week? Or just keep him in the group and try and bring him round? I pick the latter option how do I keep myself together? I'm the adult, I should be able to control my emotions!

He's very very young. Being honest, I wouldnt worry too much about making him do certain groups and participating properly. A child isn't really capable of doing that till they are 6+. Trust me, I've been working with children for years.
Enjoy your baby and don't pressure yourselves. Don't worry about classes. Yes socialize, but not to the point where there's too much structure and rules
He's a baby!
Relax.

Bless you we have all been there and yes it does pass (eventually) . He's not even 2yo yet he's becoming more and more aware of his surroundings and what's going on in his little world. His tantrums/ meltdowns are just his way of showing his frustration or unhappiness for whatever reason to the situation he's in.
The way to deal with it at this age is go with him. Just because he's had a melt down in one session doesn't mean he'll do it in every session. Think of the positive he had 15 enjoyable min of the singing and 10 min enjoyable swimming.

Please please don't over think this or feel uncomfortable with going to future sessions it's all I'm afraid normal baby and toddler behaviour. It's normal for us mums to have a little cry sometimes too, those ladies who offered you help or a reassuring smile have all been in your situation.

You know your own child best. Trust yourself. He was calm and enjoyed playing with the bus so you were right, there would have been no point causing a fuss by dragging him back inside. As iloveanimals says he's still very young for groups and lessons and things. A lot of parents wouldn't bother with them at all, or are only doing them so they can meet other mums! And of course you can take him out of the water when he stops enjoying it, otherwise he's probably not going to want to go back to the pool at all. The instructor's response was inappropriate crazy.

There are things that little children have to do (like brush their teeth) and things they don't have to do (like stop playing with the bus, or stay in the pool). He doesn't yet have the ability to put all his feelings and wishes into words, so it's OK to listen to what he's telling you in other ways, and to respond when you can. Sure, when it matters you don't give in to a tantrum, you don't give a child sweets just because they cry for them. But when the tears and upset are communicating something important - like "I am tired and cold and wet and this is not fun any more!" - it's fine to respond to it. Life's too short to upset them or yourself over stuff they are really only doing for fun anyway.

Thank you iloveanimals and uhoh for taking the time to reply to me! I really appreciate it!

So would you suggest that if he is not enjoying something that it's ok to follow his lead and step to one side or away from the action until he's calmed down? I feel like by doing that I'm responding to how he feels but at the same time I don't want to teach him the habit of avoiding something he doesn't like. Or like you've said he's still so small that I shouldn't worry about any of it?

I'm not going to lie what happened today has put me off going to groups, especially the swimming one!

Thank you that's made me feel a lot better Kleinzeit - for a few months now I feel like I've been suffering from a brain fog and tiredness which has made it hard for me to think logically about parenting, and I think what you've said there is what I would think if i had my clear head on - there are things they need to do and things they don't, and dealing with a tantrum about something like sweets is different to dealing with a child that is cold wet and tired! Xx

Absolutely ok to leave a group if he's not enjoying it OP. He's small yet....mine didn't enjoy groups until they were 4 plus!

Unstructured toddler groups are best imo.

With regards to swimming, some younger children just plain hate it, possibly a sensory thing, and it's probably not worth forcing it until they are a bit older.

One thing I would try though is just taking him to the baby pool for play, just you and him, rather than a structured group. We took our dd regularly from quite a young age and just splashed around and had fun. We did do a few classes from 6mths - 1yo, but then she went off it so we stopped and went back to casual once a week visits to splashing and playing. She's coming up to 3 now and we'll be starting formal lessons soon as she's very happy and confident in the pool and we need guidance to get her actually swimming.

So I wouldn't give up on doing things completely, just maybe approach them from a different angle. If he's sensitive to noise, maybe a group that focusses on singing isn't his idea of fun (but I know difficult to avoid at this age). Do you sing and play music much at home? Could you build that up a bit and then try the group again?

I wouldn't worry about letting him kick off for a minute or so before you react/remove him. The other parents have toddlers as well, so if
there's one place you shouldn't feel uncomfortable about normal toddler behaviour it's a toddler group! (Most aren't judging you btw, just feeling quietly grateful it's not their child kicking off...this time).

Thanks MrsOvertheRoad - I might have look to see if there is somewhere I could take him for unstructured play. I feel a lot better reading everyone's posts, they're reassuring me that I do have a little bit of instinct!

I think you're right AncientOva, I'm going to go to my local pool and see how he gets on playing in there and when he seems happy and ready I'll take him in the main pool and go at his pace with things. It's a bit silly really because other mums I've spoken to talk about swimming lessons from being a newborn are some how really important or standard thing you're expected to do...but they're a relatively modern thing I think? I was taught by mum to swim when I was at primary school, so maybe I've been putting too much pressure on myself.

Yes, with regards to the singing when I signed up for the group it mentioned nothing about singing in the title, only talking, so I was a bit surprised when everyone burst into song! But tbf it is relatively gentle singing - no kids bashing instruments etc. He handled noise terribly up until one but he has got a lot better - he quite likes music in the car or on the radio. However if he's on the edge, noise is one the things that can trigger a meltdown. It's when it's a sudden noise, like a person raising their voice or even something as small as a baby laughing or gurgling at him! I hope he'll get past it in time.

I must admit whenever I see a parent with a toddler in meltdown my first thoughts are that poor parent and I'm so glad that's not me. I should remember this when he kicks off in group, but all my rationality goes out the window when a meltdown occurs.

Do any of you have any meltdown stories where you thought wow this is epic and I can't deal with this? How did you come out the other side? Frazzled or feeling like you handled it well?

Sounds like you are putting yourself through totally unnessary stress and upset. Why are you going to these classes? Presumably for you both to have a nice time? If it's not working then don't go. No way would my 2 year old behave in that kind of situation.

A couple of things I would advise:
Manage expectations - I really don't think you can expect much from a toddler that age. We had a really tough time with my toddler around that age and we have certain things a break for a while, eating out and going to th supermarket. We've reintroduced things a couple of months later and I can now explain to her what we are doing, what we will do after if she's a good girl which seems to have helped a lot. We also only eat out if she's had a good play first and has a tablet / magazine to entertain her.

The other thing is to try and set some ground rules while you are at home, or in an appropriate setting. So if my DD has a meltdown at home she gets warned that she will go to her room if she doesn't stop and then gets sent to her room (only for a couple of minutes). I also tell her off quite firmly now which I didn't used to do. This also seems to have helped her behaviour out and about.

Good luck!

Oh and we've had some terrible meltdowns! My daughter used to basically not like anyone except mum and dad and she would just lie on the floor and scream when anyone came round. It was just awful!!! Also had the usual meltdown in Tesco/restaurant.

She's not really done any of this for about 3 months now. So hoping its a thing of the past!

Thank you Buckyou. You are 100% correct - to have a nice time and have some fun! I started taking my son because he seemed easily upset by the presence of people and children he didn't know and I wanted to try and help with his speech. But he seems to have got over his fear or strangers and his speech is improving everyday. It makes me relieved to hear that your daughter was the same as my son - he would lose it if anyone came into our house that he didn't know, it was very stressful and embarrassing. Our neighbours would try and say hello to him if we were outside and he would just howl.

I'm glad to hear that it's OK to take a break and come back when you think they've matured enough to handle different situations. We went back to the talking group this morning and it just wasn't happening, as soon as we went in and he saw everyone sat down he just turned round and ran out the door. I tried to bring him back a couple of times but he got more irate and I just asked myself 'is it worth making him unhappy for something that isn't fun or necessary?'.

In the end I took him to the empty room next door to play with the toys whilst I asked the receptionist if they ran any unstructured groups and they do so I might try a couple of those. I want to try take him to a group to

A) get him out the house
B) get him interacting with others

I think the key is that I need to find the right group for us and avoid unnecessary situations that are likely to cause a meltdown/stress. I feel like some of my relatives would say 'he'll never learn if you stop now', but I'm telling myself that isn't true right? Just because he can't learn something now doesn't mean he can't learn it later. I think something with unstructured indoor and outdoor play with perhaps the option of going to sit in on a group activity like a story reading.

I'm glad to hear that it's not just me who has a toddler who loses it. Whenever I've been to this group the other toddlers do get up and look around at other stuff but they do end up going back and sitting down, so I end up asking myself what am I doing wrong. For example another toddler ran out of the group to where my son was this morning and his mother came and got him and said 'I want you to come in here' and took him back to the group. He protested but only for about 10 seconds. So I ask myself if I'm not being firm enough with my child? Should I be showing my son who's boss? Or is it to do with the personality of the child? My family are known for their stubbornness...

I've also decided to continue to take him swimming but just with a friend /on our own rather than going to a group - I don't think groups are for him at this age!

Oh god I feel for you. My girl was bloody awful peaking at that age, which was magnified by me being heavily pregnant. Tantrums were AWFUL. They improved after a few months, without me taking any specific action or having any policy other than to cope. I REGULARLY left playgroups/ busses ect in tears. One nanny even offered to pray for me! It was winter (so couldn't really just let her take her clothes off and tantrum on the wet pavement), she was rubbish at walking (where I wanted her to) , couldn't scooter yet, planked when I tried to put her in buggy.. I rarely got beyond the end of the road in any direction for a while. I'd take as many bribes (snacks, peppa pig on phone, new stickers..) as necessary to try and tempt her into buggy, otherwise I'd be carrying her home ( 9 months pregnant..). She's also a biter which really ups the stress levels when with other kids.
I couldn't get her dressed, change nappys or go out house without a fight. I remember changing her nappy when she was having a nap as the only way! I'd be late for playgroup as hadn't been able to physically wrestle clothes on her.
My only advice really is you don't HAVE to go to playgroups and classes. That busy noisy echoy environment was ALWAYS ( and still often) a recipie for hyper angry child resulting in meltdown (and probably biting too).
It may seem like the other children are manageable, but as the health visitor said to me, you don't see all the parents hiding at home!
I found avoiding other kids in busy places and finding hidden empty playgrounds and some fresh air did us all much better. Most classes are really just to give parent's something to do anyway, not necessary to learn anything, so don't feel guilty.
(Also,make sure they're well fed! Oaty bars at hand.. hungry toddler gonna be grumpy. Sure you thought of that tho. )
I sometimes found Talking to her about what she was upset about was sometimes better than trying to distract from it. So as she is tied in buggy screaming BAAACK! Instead of trying to tell her about fun things to do at home ( totally ineffective) I'd say ' oh you want to go back to the playground?, Was it really good there?' . Sometimes she would just stop crying and nod. I think it was acknowledging what she was trying to communicate.

Sorry.. really long post but you brought back some memories! It can be very isolating but it will improve. X

Aw thank you for replying silverfishlondon, hearing other parents have gone through the same thing helps me put it all in perspective. Yes, the other day my son smacked me full on in the face when I was trying to wrestle him in to his car seat... I could feel both anger and tears building up inside of me, I had to just close the door otherwise I felt like I would explode at him and just feed his lashing out. Though I do wish I had been composed enough to tell him that hitting hurts me and we only use kind hands, I feel like I might have left him thinking that hitting gets him what he wants which was in this case to be left alone. That is something else that me and my husband don't know how to handle - how should we react to his aggression? Do you have any tips? It's hard because I'm either angry, shocked or upset so I never feel that I do the right thing!

I'm relieved to hear I don't have to do groups. I'm a first time mum (hence the user name) and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing most of the time and that it is the done thing to take your baby/toddler to groups a couple of times a week and if you don't then you're not parenting right. I explained to people that he finds it all a bit overwhelming and isn't always brilliant with strangers and noise and their inevitable response is that he won't get any better if I don't immerse him in these things he doesn't enjoy...But after reading all your responses and having time to reflect, the best thing is to have a happy and secure child, so if that means me and him doing stuff just the two of us or picking a quiet time to visit amusements then that is the right thing for us. My mum did say playgroups only really came into existence when I was little and before that children learnt to socialise through family and when they got to school.

I like your advice about talking to them about what they're feeling instead of distracting them. I took my son to a different swimming pool today, first time since we both had a breakdown at that swimming group last week. When he first went in the pool last week I could see he was excited and having fun until he had reached his limit. When we arrived this time I could immediately feel him tense and cling to me and as soon as I walk into the water he was saying up and out, but I kept talking to him about the water and didn't try and force him off me I just sat in the water and let him hold me whilst I asked him if it was OK. Luckily my husband came this morning so he could splash the water and blow bubbles to show him the water can be fun. It was quite busy so the noise became too much in the end and as soon as I could see he had had enough we got and got dressed and back in the car with no tears. It was a very short experience but I feel like it was a success because I managed to keep him together in the pool and I responded to his queues, instead of effectively ignoring his pleas last week. I think it might be a long road but I will persevere! Kicking myself over last week though.

Silverfishlondon - I meant to say, I have massive respect for anyone that has a toddler and a baby at the same time. They are full on Wonder Woman in my eyes!!! How did you find it when your baby was born? xx

I think you do need to be a bit strict and hopefully your boy will respond well to it if he had some boundaries in place. But I think that's more with necessary things, I just don't see the point in making him do things he doesn't want to (like the groups).

Have you thought about him maybe going to nursery a couple of mornings a week? It sounds like it would be good for his development.. and you would get a break! X

Firsttimemum, there can be a lot of pressure to do groups and things but there is really no need at that age. Make friends with some second and third time mums, we don't have time for all these baby swimming groups we are just glad to make it through to the end of the day with all children alive and fed : )

Also handy to have a white lie in your back pocket - I can see it would be awkward to leave the pool after the instructor told you not too. But you could just say "oh he's tired, missed his nap" or whatever excuse you can think of. That instructor probably didn't even have kids!

Thanks Buckyou, yes I try and keep boundaries/rules for things like manners and behaviour, and obviously safety things too like crossing the road and sitting down when he's eating etc. Yeah I have considered maybe a morning at a nursery, but money is tight! How old can a child be to get free hours at a nursery?

LivininaBox, thank you for the reassurance, I am feeling so much better thanks to all the responses on this post - it's really hard to know what you're doing first time round! Some times I've received unsolicited advice from family members or even work colleagues which has not been welcome, so it's nice to hear approaches or opinions which are similar to my own! Makes me think I'm not doing an entirely crap job!

Leading on from this, what do you guys do when you get parent shamed? How do you take the criticism on the chin and not let it bother you and how do you respond to the person speaking out of turn? I was so taken aback and hurt the first time it happened to me. I explained to them why it was so hurtful and they apologised and I think they were genuinely sorry...only they did the exact same thing a month later! They apologised again, and I think they were sincere...but I thought they were sincere the first time. I know that they were in the wrong but doesn't stop their comments making you question yourself and if what you're doing is 'right' for your child.

Ha, well to be honest I got pregnant when she was a sweet 14 month old and didn't yet tantrum! If I could have seen the future I'd have left it another 6 months.

I didn't cope well to be honest, borderline PND and anxiety, and it started with struggling to cope with (fairly normal) toddler behaviour while pregnant. My health visitor was great, maby that's someone you could get in touch with? Does depend on if you get on with yours, but it was really nice to have someone visit me and reassure me as well as have some practical tips! They also recommended 'the incredible years' parenting course , which I didn't end up doing as baby , and things improved anyway. But could help you feel more in control and guided to do something like that.

Unfortunately I've never seen the same HV which is a shame, though the one I am seeing next sounded friendly on the phone! So far Mumsnet is acting as my guide haha!

Just a little update - sacked off group swimming and group talking session, now go swimming on our own during quiet periods at the pool - getting more confident each time lots of giggling etc!

However today my son pooped in the pool 😳 Mortified! Wearing a Happy Nappy but still concerned someone will get ill! Let the management know and they said they'd sort it out. So embarrassing! Similar experience anyone?

Hi there. Just wanted to say that my 22 month old is very similar in that he hates structured groups, too much noise, etc. He just heads for the buggy or the door! I tried to push the groups as people kept saying he'll need to get used to structure before school but we were both finding it so stressful. So I stopped and now we go to playgroups where he can choose what to do in which order. I've also started giving him limited choices about which book to read at bedtime and what to wear etc. I think a lot of it is about control over their worlds . I also think that some children are more determined than others, which although is difficult in a toddler, such drive is a positive quality in an adult. As for dealing with the public meltdown, I realised that you need to stay very calm. The emotions that our little ones feel are very real and can be overwhelming for them. Although it's hard, by staying calm and showing empathy, we teach them how to manage their big feelings. I read somewhere recently that instead of children bringing parents into their anger, we need to bring them back into the calm. I liked that very much... Although it's not always easy...!!