Overwhelmed 4 year old - how can I get help

[JaneAustenFanClub]

Hi
My youngest is 4 and I think we need some help with him. It is a struggle to get him to do even simple things like eat breakfast or go to the toilet as he either just refuses or puts lots of conditions on e.g. I have to move things into a particular arrangement and then come with him to a particular toilet or everyone has to sit in a different chair for their food etc. Even if we humour him he decides to put more conditions on and if we refuse his conditions then he has a meltdown.
I think it is partly him being awkward but partly he seems really overwhelmed with things and struggling to cope.

(Cont) I have always thought he seemed very sensitive to things e.g. saying too hot / too cold / doesn't like a particular material and even when he was a baby he would get overwhelmed and bang his head on the floor for 40 minutes. I asked the health visitor then and she said he was developing normally in other ways so not to worry. But I am worried that there is something going on with him and even if there isn't we need some help to manage this! Any suggestions where I can get help from please? Thank you.

Is your son at preschool/school? Have they noticed any of these behaviours there?

How old are your other children? How does it affect them? Are they like this in any way? Is he in school nursery? When he will he start school? Sorry, lots of questions!

It sounds like he could have sensory issues or autism. I would ask gp for a referal to a paediatrician preferably specialising in autism and ask school to involve the educational psychologist.
Sorry provably not what you want to hear but there are several red flags here ! Good luck xx

My friend's son is Aspergers and has some 'rituals' particularly around stressful things eg. going into school. I think it calms him down to do the same thing every day. He is also allowed to work outside the classroom if it gets too noisy.

If your ds isn't already in a group setting, I think it would help for people who have experience of children to see him and then they can advise, whether it is just you who he is 'playing up' or whether he has some more serious issues.

Thanks for your replies. Yes he is at preschool. I was called in for a meeting about his behaviour last autumn as he was refusing to join in and I raised the issue then of whether he might have some additional difficulties but they said they didn't think so as he seemed to be learning things ok. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't have some difficulties!
He has a new teacher now and I have asked for another meeting.
My other two children are primary school age, and they have their moments but their behaviour doesn't seem as extreme as his.
I didn't realise GPs would deal with this - I had thought they would think it was a behavioural issue rather than medical?

The GP should be able to refer you to a developmental paediatrician. If preschool have noticed these behaviours, and they are preventing him from accessing the curriculum they should be taking about ways to support him moving forward. Ask for a meeting with the SENCO who can refer to outside professionals if necessary.

Yes maybe I should try some rituals to help him manage.
And yes I will try to talk to whoever deals with special needs at the preschool assuming I can arrange that with them.
I have asked about the autistic spectrum before as I think he has some of the signs and my DH is high functioning autistic spectrum, but the preschool said that they didn't think so. I think this is partly because he is very keen on eye contact - in fact he wants me to look him straight in the eye and not move when he talks to me, otherwise he doesn't believe that I can be listening to him. This causes issues in itself as although I am very keen to listen to him I can't always stay completely still when other things are going on!
When he is happy he is so engaging and funny and I want to help him to be less controlling about little things (e.g. the precise arrangement of his duvet on the bed) so that he can enjoy things more and we as a family can cope better. His behaviour impacts on his siblings too, not just me and DH.

It really isn't the preschools call as to whether your ds has an ASD or any other specific diagnosis (lots of people with autism make eye contact). They should, however, be able to support you and him, in accessing support. I think seeing your gp about your concerns would be a good start.

Thanks, yes, I am aware that some people with autism make eye contact, I just meant that I think this is why that particular teacher dismissed it.
Yes I will see if I can get more specialist advice via the GP and school.
Thanks again to everyone.

It surprises me that they only related him having an issue to whether he's learning or not. What about other behaviour? Is he not controlling there? My friend's son was highlighted early in Reception. He is fine academically but it's everything else... Do talk to the pre-school because if the 'behaviour' is just with you then maybe it's more to do with parenting, sibling rivalry, family dynamics, so I would suggest some family therapy.