4.5 year old behaviour ? Normal or not ?

[user1464795209]

Hi everyone.
Right so for background I have a 4.5 year old DS and a 19 month old DD . The Christmas just gone my partner and father of my children was sentenced to 6 years prison sentence after he was involved in a fight after a football match . December 8th 2016 he was sentanced and he will have to serve at least 3 years.
I found it very hard to live in our family home during that initial shock / upset stage so I moved in with my parents . Then last month I moved into a new place just me and the kids for a fresh start.
My son really misses his dad and at the moment I've told him he's at a work that's far away for a long time and he wishes he didn't have to be there etc . We visit my oh regularly at least two times a month and my ds sees the prison as daddy's work . I couldn't bare to tell him what It actually is tbh.
What I'm mainkybpositinf for is that my ds behaviour has been really hard to handle he is so stubborn and moody a lot of the time and will make battles out of everything for the sake of it. He also refuses to say hello to people and generally acts like a teenager slot of the time . This weekend I was following my DD around soft play as DS usually goes off and I caught him really hitting another child over and over it was truly shocking to see and very hard to watch . I took him away after making him apologise and left the soft play and put him
In his room for a while and then explained how horrible it is to behave like that . That night he threw all of the water out of the bath with a cup I use to wash their hair . I was quickly running to answer the door ( my 19 month old wasn't in the bath just DS) and he emptied every drop of water out . He didn't seem phased by me telling him off . That night he trashed his entire room when I put him
To bed and found a tube of my fake tan and squirted it everywhere . I was so upset that I actually cried which I know is the last thing to do infromt of a child acting out .

I feel completely lost . I don't know if this is a behaviour issue or normal ish behaviour for this age or maybe a reaction to the confusion in his life regarding loosing his dad so suddenly . They were best friends and inseparable . Thing is he has always been pretty hard work and very moody for no reason even before this happened .

I feel so sad and drained . I love him but he's being really hard work and doing it alone with the two of them just really hard going when I'm dealing with my own emotional upset too :(

Sorry to rant .

Ah poor lad. . In his eyes df has chosen going to work over staying with him. .

No wonder he is distressed. .
Does he send him pictures etc that he has made? Can he keep a diary to show df when he sees him? He won't want to put bad behaviour in his diary for df! Do school know so they can support him? Sounds like you have done a great job with them all this time!!

He's never been easy by any means but things have definitely got worse . X

Oh that sounds so hard but I think it will be related to the situation with his dad, not sure what to advise but for you

This situation sounds so hard for you. I feel pretty sure that the two things - his da

Oops -

Dad being away and the behaviour are connected. I wonder if there are any organisations that work with prisoners that might be able to organise it point you towards some play therapy it counselling for him?

I can only imagine how hard this must be, but I do wonder, if he'd be better off knowing in An age appropriate way what's happened and where his dad is/why he can't come home?

You could at least talk to him properly then?

Oh that's so hard OP.
Sounds like you are a really loving mum in a tough position.
Agree that some of the behaviour is probably related to dad leaving him (in his eyes) but 4.5 year olds can be hard work anyway. So just keep trying to be patient and letting him know he is loved. Also thinking the idea of explaining it in an age appropriate way might help you to talk to him and reassure him.
Sending hugs and

Yeah I have also wondered this I have googled lots about it and most things say to explain the truth and I feel
Guilty that I lied but i did it for the best reasons even if I'm not right for making up
That it's his work . I've been in contact with a few people but it's never really come
To much regarding any ideas and advice for my DS .

I think you are amazing, this sounds like a very tough situation and it also sounds like you are doing a really good job of keeping it together for your kids. I can't begin to imagine how tough that must be.

My sons are a similar age (3 & 5) and they do stuff like this sometimes. I think part of it may be just the only way he can think of to express how upset he is at this age. He's obviously not happy when he's doing stuff like this but I don't think the behaviour is necessarily a big deal in itself.

However maybe you do need to explain a bit more about where his dad is and why - not in full, but just to give him a more realistic expectation of what's happening ... but I don't know how to advise you on how to do that.

I think you should consider getting some professional counselling to help offload/clear your own head ... to help keep you strong and figure out how best to go on coping. Good luck.

Thanks so much for all your help guys

Feels
Good just to let it out x

Also just to say that my 4 told does REALLY naughty things sometimes when he's cross / frustrated. It may not all be related to Dad. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing a great job in a very tough situation

And agree that some counselling for yourself would probably be a good thing x