lack of confidence in pre-teen

[Mumkey]

My dd aged nearly 12 seems incredibly timid compared to most of her peers, and it really upsets her. She says she feels angry and depressed because she can't even do a simple thing like go to the school library on her own, or to a school cake sale, etc. She recently started secondary school which is obviously a major thing for any child, but she moved there with friends, and none of them seem to have any problems. At first she was thrilled with the "grown upness" of it and begged to be allowed to walk the short distance home from the bus on her own, stopping on the way to buy a sweet from the shop, but now she wants us to pick her up. She assures me that nothing happened to make her feel this way, and it has always been in her to be overly nervous of everything. She hangs behind me when we are out at shops together, and won't even go and buy an ice-cream from a van 10 metres away on her own. i know that I have sometimes got frustrated with her which of course wouldn't help, but I worry because I see other girls of her age be so incredibly self assured. We are moving shortly and she will have to start a new school once again and I'm worried that this will prove too much for her, sending her even more into her shell. On the surface she appears happy to other people, she has a great sense of humour and is incredibly empathetic and deeply thoughtful. But she's so complicated, and I just don't know what she's so scared of. Nor does she, which is what makes her miserable. She's told me that she wants to cut herself, and once, a while ago she did make some marks on her legs, but I told her to always tell me if she felt like that again and deep down I don't think it's true self harming, as I understand that it is always secretive. Is this all just pre-teen angst and the result of an over anxious mother, or is it something to worry about? Should I try to get help for her? Counselling perhaps? or is that just making too much of a drama of it all and reaffirming the message that there is something wrong with her? So far, in my saner moments I've tried to tell her that everyone is different and that it's fine if she doesn't feel ready to do these things yet. But I can't help worrying because her fear seems so intense, and therefore, not "the norm." Any advice? Please??

please bump in morning. I am sorry for your DD. Others here have experience but late and tired might not tbe the best time o ask for their advice and they may be in bed. You are nto being overlooked.

I have no exerience of this so can only say {{{{{big hug}}}}}}

You are not alone, please be patient and sleep, while all is peacfull.

it is late and typing is rubbish too!

mumkey ~ {hugs for you & dd} Does she do any after school clubs, like Guides or something?I must admit, my dd (11 still year 6) has always been OK with things, but when she started Guides, she was suddenly faced with older girls and started going a bit funny. She said that the older girls made her feel unconfortable with the way they talked and I think it got her a bit worried about what she would face at senior school. The thing is, for the last year, they have been the biggest at school and 'in charge' if you like, in the playground and now they are the smallest again. Maybe that's what is geting to her. Anyway, we kept going with the guides, as I figured that rotten girls don't do Guides, so they weren't being horrible, just different. Now 4 months down the line, she will have alies at her new school, who are Guides and she seems a lot calmer about the prospect of big school.

Hi mumkey...the fear is real and it is intense...dd went through a similar phase...went to GP and was told that from the age of 10 till 13, girls go through a transitional period...ie the changing of there bodies,periods, hormones etc....some glide through this phase and others seem to become anxious, they feel threatened within themselves and this behaviour gives symptoms such as anxiety and depression....I gave dd evening primrose oil and a teenage vitamin supplement...which helped....dd also went to counselling on 2 ocassions but didn't which to carry this on after 2nd visit...dd descibed the counsellor as "being too nosey"...
HTH x

Just wrote another tome, but computer shut down half way through and message lost forever!
Anyway gist of it was, thank you so much for hugs. Funny how even cyberspace ones can make you feel better.
DD much more cheerful thismorning thank goodness, and I think maybe I need to try and get her to do less navel gazing and more hobbies or activities. Very difficult to get her to try new things though as you can imagine.
Funny age this as they're all at such different stages. Some of her class mates are taller than me (and more developed sadly), and they're into boys and they swear alot etc. and she's no where near all that yet. I suppose it must make her feel odd and intimidated by the very people who should be her mates, and she feels she should be one of them.
Anyway, any I'd love to hear from other mumnetters about their experiences of this sort, preferably where they end up with happy well adjusted teenagers!

Hope all is well MK x