Is this normal or not?

[SmashySmashy]

Sorry in advance if this is long!

DS is 3 in August. I will start by saying he is bright and sociable, has fantastic language and memory skills, and loves nursery and meeting new children in the park or at groups. Nursery (he goes 3 days a week) have raised no concerns about him. He's loving and affectionate and funny.

However - every aspect of looking after him is hard work. He seems unable to relax - even as a tiny baby he would fight naps and night sleep, wake frequently, and was constantly in motion (he didn't sit up until about 11 months as he was always rolling and crawling). His bedtime routine now can take 2 hours, as he often fights sleep until around 9pm, chattering, counting, rubbing his face, fiddling with the bedding. He still has a nap for an hour at lunchtime - if he doesn't, he still falls asleep at 9pm.

I also find he is fidgeting constantly. When he is engaged in something he taps his foot, jabs himself with a finger, or is throwing himself against the sofa. If he gets too stimulated or tired he makes strange noises - spitting, squealing, shouting.

He is hard work outside the house, running away in shops, into roads, and screaming and crying when picked up. He refuses to hold our hands, and frequently lays down on the floor. Coming down to his level and attempting to speak to him is futile as he doesn't appear to be able to focus on what we're saying, he'll look away or be pulling to run off again.

He dislikes when DH and I talk to each other, making a high pitched squealing noise to try get us to stop. Haircuts, and car journeys longer than half an hour are a no-go, as he just screams to the point of meltdown. I clip his nails while he's asleep as he hates that as well.

I had DD two weeks ago and his behaviour has got steadily worse. I can't even see how I can leave the house with them both without DH, as DS is so unpredictable! Should everything be such a struggle? Or is this normal for a toddler?

It all sounds within the range of normal to me. Dd was the same with sleep. She's older now and still struggles to go to sleep. Lying on the floor screaming, refusing to hold hands, wanting to be the centre of your attention at all times, flailing about when tired, yep - all normal. Some people have a much easier time of it and it you have all the high maintenance stuff at once here but nothing I'd be worrying about as he's still only a baby.

Congratulations on dd I should say!

Sorry this all sounds like regular behaviour to me. My middle child was like this and as my third was born the week she turned 2 I totally see why you are worried. But you will manage, besides it is quite a short-lived period. Child will mellow as he matures.

Coping strategies. Reins for the road. Sticker charts. You will need to ignore some behaviour but have clear boundaries like the squealing thing. Do not try and reason with him. He is pre reason. Be kind, firm, strong and gentle but don't let him call the shots. You might have to forget hair cuts, minimise battles by deciding what control areas he can have (my dd dressed herself for example). Reinforce good behaviour by praising even totally lame victories such as You were quiet and polite in the cafe or You were sensible in the car.
My little hellcat is now 7 and can be a remarkably helpful and resourceful child although sometimes a few anger management issues!!

Also yes it's 'normal' but that doesn't make it any easier!

Thank you Adelind!

He really is a lovely child, I feel guilty for having a moan but I just wish sometimes he could relax and slow down for five minutes. We go to a playgroup and he moves from toy to toy so fast I barely get to speak to the other mums (the playgroup is in two rooms linked by a corridor with loos and the exit leading off, I don't trust him not to disappear so I follow him round), who all seem to have kids who will sit for a while playing or painting instead of sprinting about!

Adelind for full disclosure you should probably mention that your daughter is half hexenbiest, half zauberbiest... and your son half hexenbiest, half Grimm 😘

Sorry to derail, I was watching with interest until I found myself a little hilarious

I'd request he's seen by a Sensory Occupational Therapist, some areas have a self-refer system.

Read the Out of Sync Child and see if his behaviour rings any bells.
out-of-sync-child.com/books/out-of-sync-child/

All normal, just part of the terrible twos and this bright little lad has worked out how to wrap you around his little finger.

Its time to start introducing some training in actions and consequences. And structure his routine so he recognises "down time" is a non-negotiable part of it.

Are you wondering if he has traits of ADHD?

blankmind those are great links. I didn't mention sensory things in my post but we have certainly found understanding SPD (that crops up in elements of her behaviour) has enabled me to anticipate flash points and be more forgiving/tolerant of certain other behaviours

He sounds a lot more active than my older DC were as toddlers.

Thanks for all the replies!

I don't know much about ADHD or anything like that, but I do feel he finds it hard to relax and in new environments he gets very excitable.

I do know toddlers aren't exactly easy to look after but many aspects of looking after him just seen harder work than they should be - we were viewing houses recently and a few times he had to come with us. He wouldn't be carried, but wouldn't walk round with us either - he was running off, trying to climb stairs and open people's drawers, resulting in DH getting a sweat on running after him and missing loads of information about the houses. When I had to take him to my midwife appointments he was crawling on the floor in the room, touching the medical bins and trying to climb on the chairs. Same story with a very brief appointment with a mortgage advisor - he got very upset in the office and started screaming, to the point the lovely staff were fetching him biscuits to try calm him down.

He's very keen on numbers and letters, and is fantastic at identifying things like shapes and colours, but isn't really bothered about doing anything like drawing or stickers or play doh, which would have been really useful in the last few weeks of my pregnancy when I really struggled taking him out. If I get his crayons out he won't do it, he just asks me to draw stuff for him and gets upset if I do it wrong - although at nursery he does get involved with things like this.

Maybe have a read of ADHD and SPD.

Parents are very often right when they have a feeling something is 'not quite right'.

Going to the appoinents/house viewings does sound harder work than usual but I'm sure a lot of NT toddlers are like this and grow out of it.
How does he respond if you explain beforehand what you are doing and what you expect of his behaviour? So, saying 'we are going to look round this house, you need to either hold mummy's hand or be carried, no running off, no touching things'.

Thank you, I will! I guess there's a wide range of normal which he may well fit into, plus he has got a new sister, so he's still adjusting to having a baby in the house.

If we explain to him he needs to stay with mummy and daddy he appears to listen, but it'll be a different story once we're in there. I certainly don't expect perfect behaviour either, I appreciate toddlers don't like to wait and have short attention spans but equally I don't expect to have to sprint after him several times while waiting a few moments for a prescription. We try not to expose him to situations where he will run away, so we get our 'big shop' delivered as it's easier, but it's not always possible. Yesterday we went for new shoes in a shopping centre and he ran out of the shop three times (he'd seen some trolleys nearby with ride-on toddler cars attached). We reminded him he needed to stay with us and encouraged him to choose his shoes but the impulse to go find the trolleys was too strong and off he went! Little monkey!

I'm looking at sticker charts now to see if he would respond to something like that.

Agree it may be useful to read up about ADHD. Although from our experience of talking to paediatricians I think he's maybe too young to be assessed for ADHD - many NT toddlers are still quite hyperactive at this age and grow out of it.

i know you've said nursery haven't raised concerns, but have you spoken with them specifically about your concerns? If they think he's more work than other children his age in that respect, or if he's at the more extreme end of the normal range?

He may be a bit young for sticker charts as they are more of a long term reward.
At that age, they tend to respond more to immediate rewards/consequences.

Have you got reins/wrist strap? I used to say if you don't hold my hand/stay by me, I'll have to put the reins on. I treated running away in shops the same as running away by the road-conpletly non negotiable. They were usually given one chance and then if they ran off, they would have to hold my hand/reins for the rest of the time we were in the shop. I kept reminding them that they didn't do what mummy said and chose to run off so they had to hold hands.
Before we got out the car, I would say 'any running off and you have to hold hands the whole time'.
I found saying 'thank you for walking so nicely next to me' worked too.

I've got a close friend who's DC has ADHD and she really struggles with the running off-she is really firm and consistent but her DC struggles to concentrate on what she was saying and with impulse control. (Purely anecdotal of course, if could just be a phase your DS is going through that he'll grow out of).

The hating haircuts, nails, banging into things all sound like they could be sensory processing difficulties so definitely have a read about that. Even if he doesn't actually have SPD, a lot of the techniques can really help NT children too.
Throwing himself about can be to do with a lack of preproceptive input-there are loads of activities you can do to help with this-throwing balls overarm, getting him to jump up and down/star jumps, rolling him up tightly in a blanket, putting him under a cushion and pressing it up and down his body. There's loads more too. If he gets the right sensory imput, it may help with his sleep.

We do have the ladybird LittleLife reins, which help in terms of him not running into the road but don't help with the sitting down/lying on the floor. I use them more than DH, who is stronger and quicker than me

I will definitely have a look at everything that's been suggested. My gut feeling is that he's just going through a phase which has been exacerbated with the insecurity of having a new baby, but it is very difficult and intense so any techniques to help him calm down and process information will be really helpful. I've got the HV coming on Tuesday to see his baby sister so I might talk to her too.

I've mentioned to nursery that he's sometimes very hard work, they've mentioned he's very boisterous and energetic and has been a bit more sensitive and tearful since his sister was born but nothing else besides that. He always comes back very happy, I'm very thankful that he loves nursery.

Notthebelleoftheball