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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 3 and 4 year old are sooo naughty

45 replies

Treyromeomommy · 09/05/2017 14:40

I am a single mother of 3 and 4 year old sons, i left their dad almost 2 years ago after alot of physical and emotional abuse.. which was often witnessed by my babies.
Since i have left and the boys are getting bigger all they do is destroy my house and abuse me. They will wee all over the house poo throw food throw juice... the other day the poured a jar of golden syrup on my carpet then laughed when they were sent to their room.
I dont have any1 to help with my kids as none of my family know how to control them. My partner lives in canada so i leave the boys for a week sometimes but as you can imagine get endless calls and txts because of their behavior.
I dont know what to do anymore ive been to parenting classes and they dont seem to have done much.
I feel lile im about to lose my mind i find myself fantasizing about packing up and just walking out. I love my sons with all my heart but i dont know what to do anymore.
I probably sound like an awful mother and believe me i feel like one

OP posts:

TittyGolightly · 13/05/2017 17:38

They're not naughty, and punishments are the opposite of what they need. They need lovebombing from the sounds of it.

Original poster

Treyromeomommy · 13/05/2017 18:22

Ledkr...thank you... i actually have a really nice child therapist... hopefully she will be able to help... and yes you are right i shouldnt suffer because mt ex is a woman beating piece of shit that does absolutely f all for his kid's.... i deserve a little time to myself.... i dont go out... EVER.... i stay home with my kids.... NOBODY takes them not even for an hour.... so to me that is pretty consistant... i am also recovering from what my ex did to ME!!!!... for almost 8 years.... so the people commenting on my thread calling me selfish... u probably have not been through what i have... before u judge me walk a mile in my shoes

OP posts:

Original poster

Treyromeomommy · 13/05/2017 18:26

Highinthesky.... whos a victim??? If i was a victim id still be there.... i took myself and my sons from a volatile situation... so nobody is playing victim... i suggest u stop judging me... probably sat in ur cozy home with ur husband and perfect kids... you do not know me... these threads arent here for people like you to judge... get off your hogh horse

OP posts:

Ledkr · 13/05/2017 19:01

I was there too and still feel the effects 30 years later. It changes you as a person, living in fear for so long, having to hide injurys, cover up bruises, doubt if you are to blane.
Worst of all was feeling so much fear and pain in your own home with nobody to comfort you but your abuser.
To be clear, I do think your children are traumatised and that going away isn't hugely helpful for them however if 50 weeks of the year you are working hard to help them process this trauma and making sure they are happy and well cared for when you are away, then I think yes you should take a little time out fir yourself.

Original poster

Treyromeomommy · 13/05/2017 19:58

Ledkr... yes they are always well taken care of... i wouldnt leave them if i had any doubts... trouble os we live in south yorkshire now so i have my close friend (of 20 years also their god mother) come to our home so they are still in their own surroundings... n i totally agree it never goes away i have the scars and the false teeth as well as the memories to deal with daily.... thank you for being so understanding... its a shame not everybody is so open xx

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 13/05/2017 20:18

Hi OP I do feel for you. Mine were the same age when I split from their Dad under similar circumstances to out. It's very hard, but I think you have to remember they're emotions are probably all over the place and they're acting out as a result. I've got no miracle solutions I'm afraid, I plus advise getting them outside to play as much as you can to try and wear them out, watch their diet and make sure they're not having too much sugar or additives and maybe try a star chart? I'd also separate them so they have their own bedrooms. Good luck, it does get easier

Quartz2208 · 13/05/2017 20:26

Op read your responses to people, how you are reacting is exactly how your children are reacting and your feelings are their feelings. Now what would help you because that might help them

StarUtopia · 13/05/2017 20:53

From the outside looking in and only knowing what you've said..

You've had a very traumatic time. So have the boys. Instead of taking time to heal, both yourself and them, you've thrown yourself into another relationship - prioritising (to some extent) your own happiness over theirs and throwing more chaos into the arena.

I have a good friend who does this. Going from one doomed relationship with a knobhead to another. Thankfully in her case though, no kids involved.

No judgement. Just as others have said. These kids need love bombing. Your love life, sorry, should be taking a back step. Given that the kids are only 3 and 4, this is a tremendously short time to have launched into another relationship - and with someone thousands of miles away who can't even get a visa to be in this country (red flag much)

I really hope you get the help you all need. Please just open your eyes and be honest that you're not just trying to run away.

Goldmandra · 13/05/2017 20:56

I think you need professional help to address the trauma your children have experienced, your own trauma and to help you build a healthy attachment with them. That is not me saying that you don't love them or they don't you. They need to feel safe and secure in their relationship with you and it sounds like perhaps they don't just now.

Their behaviour sounds like them trying to express the distress that they don't have the skills to express verbally. This isn't about them punishing you for taking them away from their dad. They are traumatised and confused and don't feel safe that they aren't going to be subjected to further abuse and turmoil.

Please talk to your health visitor and find out what support there is in your area for children of this age who have experienced significant trauma. Maybe someone at CAMHS who helps children who have attachment disorders.

In the meantime, try to make sure that your responses don't make them feel less secure. Try to spend a little time with each of them one to one and keep home life as stable and reassuring as possible.

Could your partner come to a different European country where he can get a visa and you go and meet him with your children? They need to get to know him before they are uprooted and have to set up a new life in a new country.

Original poster

Treyromeomommy · 13/05/2017 20:56

Quartz2208... i dont act like that around my children EVER... im good to my boys... they get nothing but love from me... i adore them... so when people call me selfish and a victim its going to p me off... nobody know the extent of what i put up with so my babies would have 2 parents.... so yes i do get offended when people talk s*#@ luke they know whats happened... and i do believe i deserve some me time....

OP posts:

Original poster

Treyromeomommy · 13/05/2017 21:00

Starutopia... my partner n i have known each other for years... he is from the same place as my grandparents in jamaica... if there was anything he had to hide he would not have been given permanent residence in canada as its very hard to get in there.... unfortunately he still holds a jamaican passport... thats whats holding him back

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 13/05/2017 21:00

I'm not saying you act like that around them, I'm saying that how you are feeling and reacting to some of the posters is how they feel.

In an ideal world we all deserve me time and what you have been through is not in doubt. But it what they are still going through and they clearly need help

Original poster

Treyromeomommy · 13/05/2017 21:45

Qurtz2208 yeah i understand and i feel for my bbies.... we do get help i also have parenting classes to find new coping strategies... my social worker sat with us for 6 months and had nothing bad to say... i try really hard with my boys... we watch movies go park... wacky warehouse.. snuggles in mommies bed.... we play... paint... bake.... just seems nothing is good enough.... but i will say ( and im proud) my boys know that their mommy loves them more 5han anything else in this world.... and i know they love me

OP posts:

allthatnonsense · 13/05/2017 21:51

You may not have the will or the energy at the moment, but you might to have get really tough.
Set very simple clear rules and explain the consequences for bad behaviour. The hard part is sticking to it. It will feel absolutely draining and relentless at first, but if you are consistent they will at some point catch on.
Perhaps you need to get them to run some of their energy off? If you can, take them to a park or for a long walk at a brisk pace.

Heirhelp · 14/05/2017 09:44

Previous posters are not suggesting that your new partner is a bad person or would be a bad step parent just that like all children your children (and adults!) they need to time to adjust to a new person in their life before they move in with them.

highinthesky · 14/05/2017 10:54

Knowing about your Jamaican heritage makes a huge difference.

You don't actually need a therapist. If they have them, Jamaican grandparents will be able to turn your kids' lives around through good old-fashioned love and discipline. If you want to take a trip anywhere, start by spending summer as an extended family and see what a difference undivided attention makes.

But FHS put your children first.

Original poster

Treyromeomommy · 14/05/2017 11:21

Highinthesky.... i think everyone on this thread is jumping to conclusions.. my children have already met my partner... we have met up with him in jamaica twice and spent a month there each time at his mothers home... my children love him and he loves my children... my kids always come first... its just canada they cannot go as the rules are really strict... i only go to canada just for a break... to get a decent nights sleep and to just get rid of some stress.... my boys are always very well looked after... also i dont really take my boys to my grandparents anymorw as my gran has dementia and has gone bk to child mentality and is pretty aggressive towards kids

OP posts:

JustAnotherYellowBelly · 14/05/2017 11:24

Just another way of looking at it?...

You didn't take daddy away, daddy took daddy away because he was very very naughty.
And no matter how naughty your boys are, you will never send them away like their daddy. You know they are actually really good boys even if they do naughty things sometimes, you'll always love them.

Just thinking a little outside the box - they may be testing the boundaries to the nth degree to "test" your love for them?

Ignore me if you don't think it's relevant or if I have the wrong end of the stick

highinthesky · 14/05/2017 11:49

Sorry to hear about your DGM, OP. Agreed you would be unwise to add to the DC's distress.

But if you don't do something to turn your kids' lives around now, you are risking their futures. Please understand how important a predictor a child's early years are of their future wellbeing.

Original poster

Treyromeomommy · 14/05/2017 12:31

Fingers crossed they have been ok for the past 2 days bearing in mind we had a birthday party yesterday... i think the little talk my mom had with them may have worked a bit... must say she is pretty scary thats y we never acted this way when we were younger

OP posts:

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