Clingingness

[Lauram]

My 3 year old is desperately clingy and it is getting worse. When ever we go to someone's house, or they come here, he will not leave my side. Yesterday I had to hold his hand whilst I did the washing up. Any suggestions?

Honestly cant think of anyway to stop this kind of thing because my 19 mo ds does the same thing. I cant even go to the bathroom alone. I use to take him in there with me but my mom thought that was rediculous so now i put him in his playpen and let him scream. The bathroom is one place id rather be alone for 5 minutes. As far as your child this is probally gonna have to be a stage that runs its course. Is he a shy child. Two of my 3 kids were like that at that age. I really could not do much just let them follow me around and do my thing. Have you tried getting him interested in something like a project or something else. I mean like diverting his attention to something else when he starts getting clingy. I hope Im making some sense. Sometimes if we just do our thing and not pay too much attention to the clinginess they tend to start to entertain themselves on their own.

Dd was/can be very clingy (she's 2.5). I'm afraid I indulged her (according to dp and others) and just let her come everywhere with me. She still wants to know where I am every minute of the day, which can really get me down but I firmly believe clinginess stems from insecurity - therefore the more she's with me, the more confidence she gains and the easier things will get. She has improved a lot from this time last year, so in another year she should be off and away!

I think distraction is a very good idea - do you have a table in your kitchen? Dd loves to sit there and colour/paint etc while I am washing up/cooking etc.

As for people coming round, if you let him stay with you and try not to draw attention to it or push him to go and do things, you will probably find that he will eventually voluntarily go and pick something up, or fetch a toy by himself. You should see that as a good, positive start. Don't feel that you need to apologise for him or get cross. It doesn't matter if all the other kids are running around confidently. Try not to let it get to you and stay as calm as possible.

Do you go to toddler groups/nursery etc?

My 18 month old boy is getting clingier and clingier and I am really unsure what to do! He wants to be carried all over the place and seems particularly bad when other children are around. Generally I try to go along with it but there are times when I can't carry him (like this morning - I had to get dressed for work!) and he gets more and more desperate and worked up. Distraction only works some of the time. Anybody got any good strategies? Any idea of how clingy is too clingy? Has is got anything to do with the fact that I am pregnant? Am v worried at the prospect of number two's arrival in May!

Elderberry - firstly congratulations on no.2!

Secondly, I so know how you feel! ds (also 18months) is also going through a very clingy patch at the moment - I'm not really sure if this is a phase for his age or whether it's due to circumstances (dh has just started working away from home during the week when previously he worked from home) - I suspect a bit of both.

I've downgraded my expectations on what I can get done in a day, tbh. That keeps us both sane.

I try and make sure I give him lots of good positive attention (commenting on what he was playing with rather than directing his play, if that makes sense) and try not to give the clinginess and whinginess too much attention (although I don't always succeed in this). Also (although I'm not sure this is a good thing to recommend - I feel guilty enough as it is) I use the television when I absolutely have to go do something, e.g. cook us lunch. He'll still pop in and see me in the kitchen but soon realises it's not as interesting as Bob the Builder or Balamory and soon saunters back out.

As an example, one of the things he started doing was having a real screaming fit and throw things down the stairs if ever I left him upstairs to go and do something downstairs. The absolute last straw was when he threw his milk bottle which came open and I still haven't got the stain out of the carpet!!!

So, I've cut right down on trips downstairs as far as possible (I get up five minutes earlier to get his milk ready for when he gets up) and when I do have to go down (carrying washing for example) I tell him calmly where I'm going. If on the way back up there's toys on the stairs, I pick them up without comment and they go in a box on a high shelf and he doesn't get them back that day. If there's none or if he hasn't yelled that much then I give him lots of praise for his patience, etc. He still hates me going downstairs, but he's getting better at playing on his own for 5 minutes with only slight whinging, the tantrums have all but gone (well for those occasions anyway ;o) ) and hardly any toys get thrown down the stairs anymore - think it's been over a week now since he's done that (I'm sure I'm tempting fate).

Sorry, that's a bit long winded, but thought an actual example might help!! I'm hoping he grows out of this phase very soon though!

My dd was also 18 months when she started getting really clingy, in fact I did a thread about it asking for help, but I can't remember what I called it now! Anyway, her clinginess just built up and up so much that taking her to anyone's house was a nightmare! She would cry the minute we crossed the door, clinging to me as if her world would end! At mums and tots she would never leave my side, I couldn't go the toilet or get myself a drink as she would scream hysterically after me. It got really embarrassing. Even at home, she had to touch me no matter what I was doing, I had to be in the same room as her all the time, she was awful! But then, just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, when her clinginess reached it's peak, she suddenly started getting better again. Gradually she reverted back to her normal self, so that I could go to the toilet in peace! Make a cup of tea in relative peace, etc. She is still a nervous, clingy child, but she is getting better and better.

My advice is not to push them. If you go to someone's house, and they climb up onto your knee, let them. Give them a while to settle down and don't expect anything from them. They will come out of it in their own time. Just praise them often and be patient!

Elderberry - my ds is 20 months and has recently wanted picking up whenever I show an interest in another child. I am expecting number 2 in February and worry about jealousy as well as not having enough hands to deal with them both! ds has never been a particularly cuddly child so I am enjoying some of teh contact but find it increasingly difficult to lug him around with my growing bulge - what have we let ourselves in for!?

Hughsie: This is why I quickly mastered the art of holding newborn & 2yo in one lap.

One day last week I had both the 3yo & the 1yo demanding to sit on my lap while using the toilet (me using toilet, not them!). Blech!!! Lord give me some space!!

A friend with a 6yo & 9yo told me that they still, at that age, would crawl all over her (almost literally) if nothing more interesting happening. No wonder teenagers are so spiteful towards their parents, the only antidote to years of clinginess, I guess.

It's such a relief to know that we're not the only ones going through this! Thanks for the support and tips. Just knowing that this is "normal" and something that will pass really helps - makes me more able to put up with it and more sympathetic! I took your advice GeorginaA and allowed extra time this morning. He was still clingy but we got out of the house feeling reasonably sane and able to face the day. Any other ideas welcome!!

I agree with Rhubarb whenever possible hug them tighter than they hug you and they soon relax and push you away or move away, also it takes the attention away from their clinginess - as for when you are trying to cook/dress/use the loo well eventually it passes.

Wy should she let other children make physical contact with her? One of the rules at DD's school is something to do with touching - can't remember what it is but basically it's there to remind them that their bodies are their own and they have the right to say who touches them, good or bad e.g. hitting.

Hope you can get it sorted. Is it worth checking with nursery yourself to make sure a subtlety in the msg hasn't been lost with it coming via your dp? Not saying he's got it wrong but sometimes something gets lost in translation