Violent Tantrums (almost 4yrs old)

[Cornwall73]

DS will be 4 in late summer and his tantrums are daily and numerous. Anything can set him off, he is set in his ways and likes to do the same thing all the time. I.e. If he wants to go to the playground but we need to go to the shops on the way there, chaos ensues.

We try not to let him have his way all the time bit it is very difficult as he is like a ticking time bomb. We have tried everything - setting firm boundaries, time out, naughty step, taking away bike, cancelling a trip to the park but it makes no difference, he really doesn't care and just wants the reaction from us. The latest tantrum this afternoon was because I hadn't blown up a balloon big enough.

Reasoning with him just doesn't work, a huge red mist decends on him and he lashes out, hits, kicks and bangs doors and throws stuff around. Hunger and tiredness are the usual trigger but it's also anything in between. It's like always walking on eggshells. Needless to say at nursery he is a model child and they just don't recognise the child we describe at home.

This started just over a year ago and has got pretty grim, its wrecking our relationship and any semblance of family life. I am on antidepressants just to cope.

He also has a twin sister who has a fair share of tantrums but we can see her grow out of them. Sometimes the best thing is to keep them separate and we avoid doing anything all together as it ruins the day or even the running of a simple errand.

Anyone else in the same situation? Any advice? Does it get better?

Sounds quite like my 3.5 year old, he's been terrible lately, I posted yesterday about him hitting people who walk by on the street, he thinks they're going to our house, he nearly walloped a lady with a stick yesterday.

He'll go weeks being great, then it's like nothing is right, each tiny little thing sets him off, can't get jacket off he'll hit the deck. A big trigger for the him us when he knows I'm angry, that's when the doors get slammed and toys get flung, hitting, it's horrid.

I don't know what the answer is, just wanted to reassure you that your not the only one going through this.

He's developing fine, reaching his milestones and exceeding most, o think it's a little about attention, I think I need to ignore more, I feel I can be at Him all day sometimes.

Let hope its a phase xx

My DD was like this. She is now 9 and I can promise you it DOES get better. She was like this in school too though and eventually they offered intervention. It changed her life. Now she can articulate her emotions much better, life is a lot calmer.

A book I was recommended and did help a lot how to talk so kids will listen I know how easy it is to be come reactive when a child is losing it for the tenth time in one day so learning how to become proactive and to understand WHY DD was getting frustrated made a big difference.

You need to find out about autism and see if you think it fits him.

Children with autism can be described as set in their ways because they find the world a frightening and unpredictable place and having a set routine and keeping to set plans can help manage their anxiety.

Have a think about the reasons behind the meltdowns. For example, with the balloon, was it because he wanted the biggest balloon or because the size of the balloon didn't match what he expected it to look like?

If you have to go to the shops in the way to the park and he is upset, it can be reasonable to assume it's because he just wants to go to the park but a child with autism might get upset simply because he expected to go to one place and couldn't cope with the change of plan. My DD2 used to get upset if she was given three sweets and had to have four but she would also get upset if you gave her five because she had to have four. It wasn't about wanting more sweets; it was about being worried about having the wrong number of sweets.

A child with autism wouldn't stop having these meltdowns because they triggered punishments because their meltdowns are a loss of control due to the word around them being stressful and confusing. The punishment just piles on more stress and confusion.

I would try using autism-friendly strategies for a while and seeing if they help. Try to keep a consistent routine, give him plenty of warning of changes, give him activities he finds calming regularly so he has breaks from social interaction and sensory overload.

Being a model child at nursery is very common in autism. Children mask when away from home, then like a bottle of pop that's been shaken up all day, lose it as they arrive home and can let the top off.

Before anyone starts jumping up and down about armchair diagnosis - I am not diagnosing anything. I happen to believe the OP when she says that this behaviour is extreme and is ruining their family life and I think that autism is worth considering as a possible reason behind it. I was told that my children's behaviour sounded normal on several occasions and it feels awful to hear that when you are at the end of your tether and it feels a long, long way from normal.

Thank you, he is set in his ways - for example going anywhere on bikes he has to be in front and his sister or anyone overtaking him is a trigger. Anyone he doesn't know touching him is another and he often has a thing about certain shoes/socks/tshirts and he cannot bear to wear them.

At the back of my mind I have briefly contemplated SN but then again I thought I was jumping to conclusions because I found twin toddler tantrums so hard to deal with.

How can I find out about autism friendly strategies?

Hi OP

Maybe try the book The Explosive Child. My DS went through a hitting and kicking phase just before he turned 4, only with me, DH and his childminder (who is like a gran to him).

It worked wonder for us. My DS takes time to process change so it you were to say something like "right, time to brush teeth, go go to" and he was mid-game and had a plan in his head for where his game was going (but I destroyed that plan by insisting he had to do something with no notice), he's lose it.
Whereas that book taught me to say "ok, you need to finish that game in 1 minute then it's teeth brushing time" then follow shortly after with "teeth brushing time very shortly" he complied no bother.

It's a silly example but getting into the routine of counting down to some sort of change/action is the way we have to deal with DS. He can get angry at times and stomp about (but that's usually related to tiredness) but never hits.