DS obsessed with his granny.

[mumbrain37]

This is a complicated situation so please bear with me. I have a 3 and a half year old DS. He is an only child. My mother and my DS are very close and my son is obsessed with her.My mum is lovely and we are very close.Myself my husband and my DS lived with my mum for my DS's first 6 months and my DS and my mum share a strong bond.
My problem is my DS behaves the worst with my mum.My DS is a strange mix of charetaristics. I would describe him as an anxious extrovert. He is extremely chatty( never stops talking) bossy, funny but anxious/sensitive to new situations,any pressure to perform and his peers . My mum is incapable of being boundried with my DS. He bosses her around and she does what he asks. She is always "on" performing for him.She is incapable of saying no to him.If people come to visit my mum, DS will grab her hand and pull her away.he will be rude and say "no thank you I just want granny"my mum will sigh and shrug her shoulders as if resigned to this and allow herself to be dragged out of the room.I'm obviously telling my DS to stop being rude and to leave granny to talk to her friends/family. My DS will not listen and I will often try and take him out of the room but it will cause a scene.My mum gets upset, says I will just play with him. It drives me crazy.I hate it. Nobody gets to see the nice side of my DS.They see a rude child who needs to be the centre of attention.I have tried talking to her about boundaries but if I go too far,she gets upset and says she's useless and will stop seeing him.
The worst thing is I'm meant to be visiting my sister in Scotland in a few weeks with my mum.I needed someone to help me on the plane as my DS has never flown and may be very scared and I felt like another person would help. I'm thinking of cancelling the trip as I can imagine my DS will only speak to granny and be rude to everybody else. I will probably explode and we will fall out.
I'm starting to think the only way forward is to limit his time with his granny and see her by myself.We are fine when it's just me and her and our relationship is very important to me. I know that my DS has a tendency to want to control situations and may be under the misapprehension that if he is not constantly acknowledged that he no longer matters.Im trying to work on this but I worry that my DS's personality with my mum's is a bit of a toxic mix.
I suppose I'm asking if anyone has been in a similar situation or just has some advice on how best to proceed.I feel it's highly unlikely my mum will change at the age of 78. Do I just limit their time together? or be incredibly firm when I'm with DS and her?.Make my DS and mum upset by trying to control the situation?I feel exhausted,sad and a useless mum at present.Any help greatly appreciated.

That's a tricky one.

I definitely wouldn't limit their time together. I would maybe limit the time that DS is with Granny and other people though. Let Granny enjoy him 100% when they're together and then take him home and let her enjoy her other guests.

Also, at 3 and a half he is old enough to be spoken to about his behaviour beforehand and after.

Outline your expectations for his behaviour before you get to Granny's and deal with any problems after you leave so she doesn't need to be upset. Tell him what will happen and what you expect, e.g. with the flight go through what will happen (lots of books on this), tell him that he can sit next to Granny on the plane, but that he must stay in his seat, talk in an inside voice and be polite to other people. Remind him of this several times before you get on the plane.

Tell him the reward he will get if he manages this e.g. 'when we get to the airport in Scotland I will get you a magazine to read in the car to Aunty Sarah's house'.

If he doesn't behave, wait until you are at the airport, try and get him away from Granny and explain to him, 'you didn't stay in your seat like I asked so we can't buy the magazine' (go for disappointed rather than angry). If he does behave well then make a big fuss of how well he did and get him the magazine.

Whatever happens move straight on to the next challenge (don't dwell too much on what's already happened) and the next reward, 'We're going in the car now, if you can xyz in the car, we can get the magazine at the shop near Aunty Sarah's house'.

Ultimately, it's just a phase and he will grow out of it!

Thank you NuffsaidSam. That's really good advice. I really hope It's a phase.