My dc are so fussy & difficult about food, it's getting me down - can anyone help please?

[Honey1975]

My dc's were both good eaters as babies, ate all fruit & veg and liked them.
As they get older they have become
more and more fussy and now pretty much refuse to eat anything they used to. To make it even harder whatever one likes the other one doesn't! Examples:

Won't eat brown bread despite us always having had it.
Have a meltdown if there are crusts on sandwiches.
Won't eat bananas, previously loved.
Suddenly don't like strawberries
One likes mash potato the other won't touch it
One likes meat, the other is not keen
Both used to like eggs, one now doesn't like the look of 'the yellow bit'
One likes macaroni cheese (as do me & dh), the other won't touch it
DS doesn't like any green veg, dd will eat green beans at a push
DS pulls a face at any vegetable and has to be made to eat some
Neither of them will eat fish
They complain if things aren't cut or presented in a certain way; big meltdown usually follows (me & them)

The sort of (nice) meals that my mum cooked for me at their age they would be horrified at & wouldn't eat. I remember just eating what I was given!

I've tried to meal plan but it is so damn complicated trying to please everyone I'm failing at it.

They both have school dinners but say they are not nice & so I don't think they eat much of them.

I just don't know what to do and it's getting down as I feel like I'm trying to cater for 4 different likes & dislikes & I'm worried they're not getting enough variety.

For info DS is 9 and DD is 5.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to deal with this? Thanks

I basically got a HUGE bit of card, and DS helped me make it. We did various sections like veg, meat, fruit, dairy etc and then we did smily face, yuk face, and okay face.

Each time we tried a food, we put a sticker on the face that most described DS's (often yuk!). We started with the foods he loved (fruit) to get into the whole chart idea.

Eventually he saved up enough stars to get his reward (which was a play kitchen).

With DD, did a similar thing. It definitely helped.

All kids are different, different things make them tick.

We do a lot of baking too, so I always say, if you want the fun stuff, you have to eat the good stuff too

But I am largely a big softie with food, as I had awful upbringing and ended up with severe eating disorders. Want them to have a great relationship with food.

If it helps, I don't think fussiness is anyone's fault. I had 2 fuss pots and 1 who will eat anything; I didn't do anything different.

Also, with the attitude issues, (without casting judgement) do they eat much junk?

DD was giving such back chat at one stage, and we couldn't work out why. Eventually we ditched biscuits in the house, and she was back to DD. She knows this, and doesn't like how food can change her, so she is happy to not eat biscuits.

Just a thought.

Cook a meal, put it in front of them, let them decide what they're going eat from it, ignore whining, remove meal without comment when they're done. Rinse and repeat. Unless you're dealing with a condition like autism, it really is that simple. Of course you don't make them eat the things they don't like but neither are you running a restaurant.

Is their weight or health an issue?
If not then I agree with pp that you need to stop trying to meet everybody's requirements and just cook a meal.
My ds aged 4 is also fussy and this is what I do:
Main meal, bread and butter and pudding all on the table at the same time (pudding almost always fresh fruit) then I sit down and eat, he sits and eats, can eat and leave whatever he wants and eat in whatever order but no seconds unless he clears his plate. If he gets up/messes around etc it gets cleared away.
I do make sure part of the meal is something I know he'll eat so he doesn't go hungry and he isn't being forced to eat things he hates.

At 9 and 5 they are a bit old for food tantrums and I wonder if they've cottoned on to the fact that you really want them to eat and are using is as a way to test the boundaries?

I read something very sensible on MN regarding this issue, OP. It relates to knackeredinyorkshire's point about parents worrying about their children starving, on a subconscious level. The poster said that after several years of trying to persuade her fussy children to eat, she finally came to the conclusion that it was her responsibility to provide her children with nutritious, varied food and her children's responsibility to eat it. Once she had accepted that she had no responsibility to actually get it into her children's mouths, her life improved beyond measure! If the children didn't eat what was served, they got nothing except fruit and toast till the next meal, when they inevitably made up for missing a meal.

My advice would be to start afresh and tell your son and daughter there is going to be a change. Tell the children they are allowed three foods each which you won't make, but everything else is non-negotiable. Serve up meals cheerfully and allow them to eat just as much as they want. No drama if it's not much - take the unfinished food away without comment and then ignore pleas for food (except fruit and toast in limited amounts) until the next meal. A great deal of your children's attitude to food is down to an attempt to control and be in charge. Take back control of this important part of family life - the present regime is good neither for you or them.

The three foods each is a good idea- and write it on the fridge so they can't deny it!

Also, sounds stupid, but are they hungry at meal times? Have they had lots of fresh air and exercise? Did they have an after school snack? You might need to change timings of activities/ snacks/dinner- they may not need a snack at all, conversely some children do better with a small, healthy after school snack to prevent hanger!

Then, have the same thing lots- e.g., Monday fish, Tuesday mince, wed beans on toast- so it is nice and predictable. Then the rule is eat what you want of it, say thank you, load the dishwasher and get down. No moaning, no snacking after dinner, and a nice protein filled breakfast the next day. Any tantrums, go to bed, no electrinics. Be really firm or it will get worse!

That's interesting Better, I haven't really thought of it like that. I like the 3 foods idea although it's still annoying a I know one of them will pick a meal that the rest of us all like!

Tanaqui, I'm not sure I've ever quite got the tea time right. We get in about 3.30 from school and they are both always hungry & want snacks. I let them have a biscuit or similar and then after that fruit or cheese snack etc. DS is always ravenous and would just keep eating snacks if I let him. DD moans that she doesn't like any of the snacks on offer (apart from the biscuits).

I usually give them their tea at 5.00pm but maybe they should have it earlier? When I was growing up my mum would cook a meal and we would all sit down as a family at 6,00pm and eat and talk.
We never do this apart from weekends as 5.00pm is a little early for DH & me but I do feel I'm missing out on an important bit of family time by not all eating together during the week. Not really sure how to deal with that one though. I do think it might benefit their eating habits if we ate together. Do other people eat all as a family during the week?

I've noticed the same with ds (5) in that he's ravenous after school so I either do tea for 4pm or give him a small snack and immediately distract him until we all eat at 5ish. Dh works from home so we tend to eat together unless I'm at work in which case I eat alone later. Even if you're not eating I would sit with them at mealtimes and chat as a distraction from focussing on how much they're eating.

Do you have a garden? Can you get them interested in growing things like veg, or sunflowers? To get them outside mainly. Our trampoline is small but invaluable, although mine are younger.

A small thing, but mine love sandwich thins and it removes the whole crust issue!

Meal planning: we vary in our commitment to this but tend to get big online shop delivered on Mondays and do meal plan and shop on Sunday evening. We have a standard repertoire of meals that dc will eat and I recommend the baby led weaning family cookbook for easy recipes - we've been using it for years now! Dd is much more fussy than ds but we just ignore best we can. I hated all veg as a child and now love it.

As for the consequences, it's a tough one but we try to avoid screens after school as it definitely makes ds worse behaved. More tricky with a 9yo though, I can imagine. Make screen time contingent on kind behaviour? Reward chart? Do school have a behaviour system you can implement at home? Ds school use a smiley face system.

Thanks Misty, not heard of sandwich thins, will investigate further!😀

I would start with a conversation that food is to be eaten and keep the meal simple but explain the alternative is a small
Block of cheese and half an apple. Every time the same offer of cheese/ apple. It has fat and protein and the apple has carbs and vitamins. Don't engage in their conversations about the foods they don't like. Just focus on your consistent stance "this is your meal etc" . Don't get dragged into the details they will whinge about.

Keep the original meal aside and if they say they are starving you can offer to heat it up again.

The thing is, you need to be consistent every day. They need to crack before you and that is the bottom line.

Else - pay for a paediatric dietician who will have the best experience in all honesty-

Definitely sit down together as a family if you can. Can't you feed the kids when you eat later on? Also just cook 1 meal. If they don't eat it they don't get anything else. If they are hungry they will eat Something off that plate. They won't starve. They might be a bit hungry at first when they go to bed and whine for something else but they'll soon start eating their dinners if you stay firm.

I would like us to eat altogether as I think it would benefit us in many ways as a family. It's just getting the timing right as the dc's can't wait much longer than 5.00 & we're used to eating closer to 7.00pm. I wouldn't mind giving it a go at 5pm as I never have much for lunch so am hungry by 5pm and it would free up more of the evening. It's just getting into a new routine I suppose..

I feel your pain.

While DD2 is amazing and will eat pretty much anything you put in front of her (aside from beans being on the same plate - they have to be separately in a bowl) I have an older DD, and two DSDs.

When DP and I first got together, trying to make a meal which all six of us would eat was just about impossible.

DSD1 wouldn't eat any veg at all, only like processed crap and would live off pizza given the chance. Turned her nose up at anything home cooked.
DSD2 slightly better but hated all veg except carrots, would pick minute pieces of onion out of spag bol with a painful look on her face.

DD1 wouldn't eat much in the way of meat except mince or chicken and only if the chicken wasn't on a bone.

DD2 eats pretty much anything and so do dp and I.

In the end I got everyone round the table. Everyone got a piece of paper. They had to write down three meals they would eat without complaint and three things they would absolutely not ever eat.

From that I managed to cobble together enough meals each weekend to please everyone although I was fucking sick of sausage and mash and pizza!

Now DSD1 is living with her bf, DD1 is at uni and DSD2 who is the least fussy of the three oldest rarely comes here so it's pretty easy to keep us three fed. DD2 is bloody awesome with food. I do appreciate that's an absolute minority though.

Wraps are a good alternative to sandwiches too.

They can make their own.

At the younger ages during the week we did have the children eating earlier and then sitting and having something later with us maybe pudding or a return to a bit of dinner they had left!

A simple two week rolling menu with no choice once menu is set. Maybe let each child pick two meals. Serve it up if it's eaten it's eaten if it's not no fuss, no persuasion, it goes in bin. No alternative food offered or allowed until next day. Let children help with cooking at weekends.
If they are rude about food or misbehaving at the table give one firm and explicit warning "If you are rude about your food it will all go in the bin". Next time remove their food and put in the bin.
It sounds quite harsh but you have to nip the behaviour in the bud and impose rules to encourage good eating habits. Stop snacks apart from vegetable fingers or a set snack after school, if supper is later.

It doesn't take long to change the behaviour if you hold firm. Don't do the four peas, clever boy for eating stickers approach- just serve up proper meals and expect them to eat it. If they choose not to eat something make no comment.
Friends coming to supper often improves behaviour and eating habits too.

I found myself in a similar situation with my eldest two 6 and 4. Rather than plate everyone up I now do food on central dishes and they can take what they like but they must eat it. Don't like any of it? Have a banana. Normally I try and take turns about about what they both like and the loser gets to fill up on garlic bread/ peas/ carrot sticks and humous type stuff. I think it's partly that they are just not that hungry as sometimes they'd eat the perfectly nice food but declare they don't like the same dish three days later.

Stop the snacks.

2 snacks in the 90mins before dinner. Offer fruit once they get home then nothing until dinner.

Involve them in meal planning. No reaction to refusal to eat. At 9 and 5 they won't starve themselves.

For behaviour can u put a time limit on tablets? My daughter's I can set how long she's allowed to go on it and what times e.g. on weekdays it has a 1 hour games limit but unlimited reading and switches off after 7pm. Really bad behaviour I lower the times or remove it. We have a no tv until after dinner rule here, then it's an episode each on Netflix or family film.

Meal planning I do weekly and do food shop on my day off each week. I always have a bag of pasta for days where the meal planning doesn't work.

Dinner time could u do their dinner earlier like 4-4.30 so they aren't snacking after school, if its too early for you, you could have a drink and still sit talking to them. Or have a substantial snack after school like toast and fruit then they have dinner later 6-6.30 with you.

There's never a right answer, its finding what works for you!

i feel your pain! DD 6, is a nightmare with food at the moment.

for school lunch she has brown bread cut into 4 squares, a few chunks of cheese, yoghurt and an apple with a drink....no variation on this at all - but she eats it so i go with it. tea time is usually, chicken burger/nuggets with cucumber, peas, smiley faces or a waffle....i;ve tried so hard to get her to eat something else but she just won't have it.

now i just cook what she'll eat and i put a smaller plate by the side of her with a bit of whatever we are having and slowly but surely she is starting to try it and gasp actually like it!

just hang on in there - i think a lot of it is being able to make their own decision as to what goes in their bellies, and the other half is "eating with their eyes" xx

My advice would be to start afresh and tell your son and daughter there is going to be a change. Tell the children they are allowed three foods each which you won't make, but everything else is non-negotiable. Serve up meals cheerfully and allow them to eat just as much as they want. No drama if it's not much - take the unfinished food away without comment and then ignore pleas for food (except fruit and toast in limited amounts) until the next meal. A great deal of your children's attitude to food is down to an attempt to control and be in charge. Take back control of this important part of family life - the present regime is good neither for you or them.

This is spot on!

Rewarding children for eating gives them all the wrong messages.

You provide a healthy balanced selection of food, on the table in serving dishes. They are free to decide how much to serve themselves and eat. Take no notice whatsoever of what they eat and make sure there is lots of pleasant conversation around subjects unrelated to food while you are all eating.

If you provide desserts, then do that but in the small amounts that could be considered part of the balanced diet. Don't make it contingent on eating savoury first. If that is all they choose to eat, they will be ravenous by the next meal and all food tastes much nicer when you're hungry.

Take away all attention for not eating and ignore rudeness about the food you're providing. Anyone who doesn't want to eat is free to leave the table but they don't get to come back.

You can choose to make some foods available at all times. Maybe carrot sticks and apples. That way they don't need to be really hungry for long.

This will teach them to learn listen to their own appetites, stop eating when they're full rather than when a particular amount has been eaten and help them to develop a positive long term relationship with food. It should also reduce your stress levels.

The only rewards children should get for eating are satisfying their own appetites and enjoying the taste.

Re meal times...My children were always ravenous after school, so I used to give them a substantial snack, more like a meal, really: leftovers, or soup, or hummus and various things to dip, etc (no biscuits usually). Then we would eat together much later, maybe around 7 or so. They were always hungry again...

It sounds like you are on the right track, op, and I definitely wouldn't put up with any comments on the food except for thanks and praise. No one should talk about what they are eating or not eating, in an ideal world, I think.

Thank you all. We have had a couple of better meal times this week, mainly down to sitting together and eating as a family. This really does make a difference and although won't be possible every night, I'm going to try & do it as often as possible.
Also, limiting Xbox time has resulted in a calmer, more pleasant DS so that helps too.
We went through some meal ideas as a family and came up with a list, although to be honest they are not all meals I would choose to eat as I am trying to lose some weight & really be careful what I eat.

That is good to hear that things are looking up Honey1975

This thread has been really helpful for me too.

Can I ask a question - when serving up a dish that has been turned down (only offered fruit/toast as another option) and then ending up with lots of leftovers of uneaten food, would you then serve up the leftovers again the next night/later that week to see if anyone has changed their mind on wanting to eat it?

Can I ask a question - when serving up a dish that has been turned down (only offered fruit/toast as another option) and then ending up with lots of leftovers of uneaten food, would you then serve up the leftovers again the next night/later that week to see if anyone has changed their mind on wanting to eat it?

You mean food that hasn't actually been served onto plates?

I often put those leftovers in a takeaway tub either for the next day or to freeze for a day when we need single meals for some reason.