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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

6yo DD is a bully

25 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 25/04/2017 09:36

I've just been approached by another mum who says that my 6yo DD is bullying her child at school. Things like pushing, hitting, etc. But they'll be friends the next minute. In fact if you ask my DD who her best friends are she will mention the other girl. But it sounds like in school they run in different circles and my DD's circle does things to this other girl, and my DD goes along. She's definitely not the ringleader but I think she is going too far and causing this other girl pain. What can I do? They are so young, how can her dad and I stop this behaviour?

This is literally the first time I've heard this and it hasn't been mentioned by my DD's teacher. The other mum was very upset and said she had "had enough" and was "giving me a chance to deal with it." I'm worried that talking to my DD won't be enough, as obviously I can't control what she does at school. With the mixed messages she sends, it sounds like my daughter doesn't quite understand when she's gone too far. And the teacher seems to turn a blind eye to it. Any advice?

OP posts:

tickingthebox · 25/04/2017 09:38

yes - refer the other mother to the class teacher!

Then speak to the class teacher yourself.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 25/04/2017 09:41

I would go in and talk to school. They may not know about it. Try and get the full picture (there is always two sides and I know this as a mother of a child who was bullied).
Dont be defensive and ask for their help.
Tell the other mother what you have done or even ask her to come with you to school. Tell her you want to make it better for all the children. (little kids at this age aren't good at understanding another persons perspective).

GwenStaceyRocks · 25/04/2017 09:42

Speak to the teacher. Ask if they have seen evidence of bullying and also tell them that the other mum approached you about this.
The teacher can introduce supervised play or organise circle times about bullying. They can also confirm if there are any issues or if the other mum is incorrect. They may also want to remind the other mum that she shouldn't have approached you.

tissuesosoft · 25/04/2017 09:44

Definitely speak to the school but in the nicest way possible- children learn the majority of their behaviours from home, you can teach her how to treat others and how to follow that in school. Home and school are not mutually exclusive. I think your daughter should write an apology letter, maybe use some of her pocket money/birthday money etc to buy an apology gift for the girl.

Original poster

BaldricksTrousers · 25/04/2017 09:51

Was it wrong of the other mum to approach me? Apparently she had already been to the teacher repeatedly with no joy. Obviously as I haven't heard anything until today!

As far as home goes, my DD isn't violent although she has mood swings. Her dad and my husband have a loving relationship and we've never spanked her, although we are firm. So I'm not really sure where this behaviour is coming from and makes me think that my DD is looking to impress others or just getting out of control.

OP posts:

Original poster

BaldricksTrousers · 25/04/2017 09:51

Sorry it wasn't clear--her dad is my husband!

OP posts:

Movingin2017 · 25/04/2017 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJamesMathews · 25/04/2017 09:57

Of course she wasn't wrong to talk to you.

Your DD either doesn't know how to behave nicely, or doesn't care enough to behave nicely. This mother is expecting you to teach your child that bullying people is wrong. Because, you know, that's your job.

Your DD needs a firm talking to, clear instructions as to what is and isn't nice behaviour, why it isn't nice and how she would feel if the tables were turned. Tell her you're going to ask her teacher to keep an eye on her and if you hear any more stories of this nasty behaviour there will be serious consequences. Then ask the teacher to keep an eye on her and tell the other mum to keep you informed if the other girl has any more problems.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 25/04/2017 10:04

Your DD either doesn't know how to behave nicely, or doesn't care enough to behave nicely.

Or, they are falling out, and the girl is complaining to her mother about it but neglecting to mention that she's doing the exact same thing.

This mother is expecting you to teach your child that bullying people is wrong. Because, you know, that's your job.

Because, you know, I'm sure prior to this she's taught her bullying is just great.

MrsJamesMathews · 25/04/2017 10:09

Whether it's coming back from the other child or not, two wrongs don't make a right. I doubt very much this other girl has just made this stuff up out of thin air.

My DD has been on the wrong end of this. She was being bullied by a manipulative little madam who was BFF with DD when it suited her then being a nasty piece of work when it didn't. No one could see it until one day the girl threw a punch and I went straight to the head to sort it out, which he did.

tickingthebox · 25/04/2017 10:10

I think the fact the class teacher hasn't spoken to you means that this isn't the case...

Definitely no need to take your daughter to task until you are 100% sure that is exactly what is happening.....ditto with the poster who says she needs to apologise..... find out first if she is actually a bully...

This

"If she's been to the teacher I would suspect that the problem is not obviously your DD or it would have been dealt with and you would have been spoken to. Go and discuss with the teacher. I bet their view is its six of one and half a dozen of the other, there's every chance this mum has blinkers on."

TessTube · 25/04/2017 10:12

I would thank the other parent for making you aware of it, and you will make an appointment to discuss it with the teacher.

And then I would just take it from there.

purplecollar · 25/04/2017 10:14

I would speak to the teacher. Find out what the situation is. Talk to your dd and ask her - why is x's mum saying this to me?

I would really recommend going through a friendship book or two. The ones I bought list out what is acceptable/nice behaviour and what isn't. From the perspective of both how we treat others and how we should expect to be treated. It's really not clear to many of them, it's a very long learning process and I think spelling it out helps sometimes.

But these friendship groups are complicated. For my own dd (now 11) it's only very recently she's managed to fathom it out. At age 6 there will be I should think a lot of falling outs, with some siding with one and others siding with another. Some being led/urged to exclude another - that sort of thing.

My own experience tells me to not act on what another parent is saying to me. I've been misled a few times. I would definitely speak to the teacher so you can get a fairer picture of what's going on.

Original poster

BaldricksTrousers · 25/04/2017 10:14

When the other mum told me about it, she told me that it had been witnessed by other children and told me what the other kids had said to her.

OP posts:

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 25/04/2017 10:14

I think the DD definitely needs to be spoken to and encouraged to change her behaviour, even if they are "just" falling out and it's not coming more from one side than the other. It's still not a healthy relationship.

I think that projecting other experiences involving different children (and calling those children names... they're SIX... "little madam" - can you not see the hypocrisy in advocating modelling gentleness and nice behaviour, and then namecalling a small child with your next breath?) is not helpful.

I'm sorry your daughter was hit once but tearing strips off the OP's little girl when you have no idea what she's done or what she's like will not help any kids build better friendships.

MrsJamesMathews · 25/04/2017 10:23

My advice is based on the fact that the OP has not given any suggestion that she doesn't think her DD is doing any bullying. See thread title. It also comes with the fairly obvious assumption the OP would try and find out why her DD is behaving like this. Regardless of the reasons though, it should still be made clear it is not to happen again.

I'm not talking 'tearing strips' I'm talking about being very clear about what constitutes acceptable behaviour and what the consequences are not being able to behave in an acceptable manner. I don't see what's wrong with parents enforcing zero tolerance for bullying.

The OP thinks she can't control what her DD does at school. To me this smacks of hand washing.

llangennith · 25/04/2017 10:37

Don't say anything to your DD till you've spoken to the teacher. My youngest DD was always coming home from school complaining about various 'friends' being mean to her at that age. By the next morning she'd forgotten all about it and would look forward to seeing her friend at school.
If this had happened with my oldest child I'd have taken it that my poor child was being bullied, but I'd learnt a lot about children's squabbles by the time the youngest was at school.

TessTube · 25/04/2017 10:39

Well you can't do much unless you what's happening can you?

The teacher should have a handle on it.

MrsJamesMathews · 25/04/2017 10:40

Pushing, hitting, mum has "had enough" and there are witnesses. It doesn't really sound like a squabble and it doesn't sound like the OPs DD is a passive by-standing either.

FeralBeryl · 25/04/2017 10:57

Agree that you need to speak to the teacher ASAP before you can make a plan.

TessTube · 25/04/2017 11:00

They are SIX. This needs input from a teacher.

How can you punish a kid before you even try and find out what's going on?

Original poster

BaldricksTrousers · 25/04/2017 11:09

I work shifts so will be speaking with teacher in the morning, to schedule a talk later this week. Although the other mum has already told me that the teacher is "useless" and so I doubt she will take anything the teacher says into account over what her DD has said.

I have just spoken to a friend who has a girl in DD's class. She said that she has heard nothing about bullying, but that my DD's circle play very roughly so her DD doesn'the like to play with them.

OP posts:

purplecollar · 25/04/2017 11:41

Sounds like a good plan. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of what's going on.

Witchend · 25/04/2017 14:17

You need to talk to the teacher.

The fact the parent says she is bullying, may be correct, but it may not be and the teacher can keep an eye on the situation and let you know what the actual situation is.
You need to go in with an open mind. It may be that the roughness is tipping into bullying. However it isn't necessarily true.

You can't take that one child says it, then it is definitely happening without potentially doing an injustice to the other child.

Even that apparently other children have told the mother tales that back it up isn't clear. If you have one child sobbing "A is always nasty to me" friends will usually back it up at that age.
They also are quite capable of coming up to a parent and saying "A did this to B" without giving the back story of what B did first.
Or the parent may be going either to other parents and asking/telling to ask "what did A do to B?" If you ask a loaded question then you often get the answers you want. I know for two out of three of my dc if I asked something like "did A hurt B" I would have definitely been told A had. So I'd have to ask more along the lines of "are A and B friends" or wider question.

Children do tell lies about bullying, I have noticed that children do seem to discover it's an emotive word at quite a young age. I've seen a child of similar age say, for example, "If you don't do.... then I will tell the teacher that you're bullying me" actually using the treat to bully another.

One of my dd had a girl in her year who accused roughly one child a term of bullying throughout primary. Parents would be into the school, badmouthing the child concerned to other parents etc and the next term she'd have moved onto another.
Often if you listened to the stories you could immediately pick holes in it-I remember her mum telling me how she was being bullied into playing a game she hated, and suggested to dd that if she saw her playing it she might try and help and her jaw dropped and she said "but she always asks to play that when it's her turn to choose. I don't like that game so I don't play with them then."
Mum used to greet her every day with "What has

Original poster

BaldricksTrousers · 26/04/2017 09:41

Thanks for the advice everyone. I talked to DD this morning who was completely gobsmacked that anything was wrong. I mentioned a few incidents and she agreed that she might be too rough with play but that for the most part she and the other girl play nicely. When I told her that it would be best to keep away from the other girl and that her mum didn't want them walking to school together anymore, DD burst into tears.

I talked to DD's teacher today as well. She told me that 'bullying' was far too serious a term, that all of the girls are just as bad as another, and that DD might by receiving too much of the blame. I told her that DD was probably being too rough in her play, and she told me that the other girl tried to sit next to DD yesterday and DD actually told her she didn't want to sit next to her, but apparently this other girl still gravitates toward DD. The teacher admitted that perhaps the other girl is stretching the truth or telling one side of the story. She said she would keep her eye on everything and also talk to the other girl's parents again. She was just as surprised as I was with the accusation of bullying. She said that they are 6/7, they are still finding their way with their emotions.

Like I said, I don't consider my DD to be blameless, but now I am pretty miffed that this other mum confronted me and accused my daughter of bullying. Something needed to be said to my daughter about being too rough, but to ignore what the teacher says and come at me with a bullying accusation is a bit OTT. I'm glad I didn't punish DD without talking to the teacher, just had a serious talk with her.

OP posts:

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