What makes a child popular?

[pepsi]

My little ds is 4 and a bit and has been at nursery for a year, after the summer he will be in reception. In a whole year he has not been invited to anyones house to play/tea. I invited one little boy here and on another occassion met up with them at the park. The only child he talks about is this boy and he is the most popular boy in the class. Today when I picked ds up this little boy's Mum was in front of us. When he left the whole class shouted out goodbye see you tommorrow. When my ds left there was not a sound. I often over hear play arrangements and how things went and wonder if its me that puts off other Mums of if the children just dont want to play with my ds. Its totally heartbreaking. Im going to write a few notes inviting the popular boy and another over during the hols. You may have seen earlier threads about my ds and his lack of socialising with others in his group. He is getting better but I fear the group has bonded now and will just leave him on the sidelines. I was wondering if its common to have people over after school at 4 (without their Mums), or whether this is more for the older child. I dont need him to be the most popular child in the world but it would be nice to feel someone loves him as he is just such a lovely littel boy.

I must admit I never had a child back to play/tea after nursery - mainly because I didn't know any of the parents (a lot of the children at the nursery my children attended had both parents working so didn't get to see them when I collected at lunch time).

DD1/DS1/DD2 have never been back to anyone elses (apart from DD2 sometimes go to my friends house who has a little boy at nursery with her and he sometimes comes here).

To be honest, I've not been keen to have 4yo children I don't know - and it's not until they start in Reception when you get to know the children and parents that the "playdates" start IME.

I dont know pepsi but my daughter seems to be the most popular child in her mainstream nursery class and she is very different to the other children! She has a special needs and is developing at a much slower rate than her peers but everyone is fighting to be friends with her!

Anyway on a more serious note, dont worry. i have worried myself sick about my daughter making friends and she does so easily. Everyone finds a likeminded friend and being popular is not what its cracked up to be (not that I would know) He is only 4 he will makes friends. You sound so sweet worrying about him like this

Hi pepsi, I haven't seen any of your other threads so don't know the background but I'm a big inviter of children to tea. When ds was at playgroup I did it (at 3+) and at his first school I did it and at the one he's at now I do it regularly too. He seems to be reasonably popular but I absolutely couldn't tell you whether it's anything to do with this or whether it's just luck - quite possibly the latter. I didn't know anyone either but just either asked outright when I saw the parents (Hi, I'm y's mum, would x like to come to tea next Tuesday?) or left notes with the teacher asking the parents to call me so I could invite their child to tea. If they didn't call, I assumed they didn't want to, although I can't think of a single time that's happened tbh. As he's got older I've only invited children when he's told me he likes them though, I don't select them now. When he was younger I always made it clear the parents were invited too (so therefore only invited kids whose parents I thought looked OK and I could stand to talk to) but only if they wanted to. From about 5yo onwards parents don't seem to want to stay (they obviously do just assume I'm ok, they don't usually know me to start with) and that's always been fine with me! The invitation has usually been returned too so everyone's happy. I don't think the group in your son's class will have bonded already - my son started a year after everyone else as we moved and he has plenty of friends now. HTH.

hi pepsi, that sounds heartbreaking . My ds is just 4 and naturally quiet and gentle. He often plays on his own at pre-school and I have talked to the teachers about it several times. They assure me all the children love ds and are always happy when he joins in with their games, it is just that he often likes his own company. It might be worth having a word with his teacher to see if you are worrying over nothing.

Re playdates, as ds is, so far, an only child I have always made a huge effort to spend time outside school with other children. Generally at least 3 times a week we meet up with a friend for a picnic in the park, train ride, lunch or whatever. Ds does enjoy these playdates and it also means there will be quite a few children in his reception class that he already knows. I have often made the first move inviting someone over and I have never been turned down yet.

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yesd s1 still has a variety of pals ( i think wiser) and he is 6

also thinkt he best friend thing maybe very female

I agree re getting to know other mums - just start saying hi

Pepsi, please don't worry. DD2 made few friends at nursery. DD1 did 1 term in reception. After dd2's induction day today, she was disillusioned that some children had already been at playgroup together, and had formed a 'clique'. DD1 said to dd2 'Don't worry, Alex, I hated the first time at school, but then I made some friends. You will too.'

I love them so much

I also found it quite hard to approach other parents when my first child started nursery, but it does really help if you can overcome that. With my 2nd child I invited other kids to tea from quite early on, sometimes with a parent, later without (4.5+). It really did give him a headstart with socialising, as it gives the children a talking point other than their shared experience at school.

I also made a point as we were leaving nursery of telling the child to say goodbye to the teachers/children which usually results in a chorus of 'Goodbye's in return.

Isn't your ds changing schools next term? Could you arrange for him to have a little visit to his new class so he can get to know some of the children? IME schools are usually quite good about assigning a helper to new kids.

I think that you have to remember that just because your child is not 'popular' ie the one sort after by the other kids, doesn't mean your child is not liked. IME playdates in Nursery tend to be instigated by the parents rather than the kids themselves. Like WWW, twiglett etc have said they have approached the other parents themselves in order to start it off.

With DS1 I found it impossible to do this, I'm quite a shy person and I find social chit chat a bit difficult (what do you say to someone you hardly know?!) Strangely enough it was going to a MN meetup that made me change tactics with DS2. If I could drive all that way to meet complete strangers I could do anything!! So, I spoke to the school about borrowing a room during nursery hours and, after canvassing the other parents, started up a coffee morning. It has made a big difference. Not everyone goes, but the fact that we are so much more relaxed around each spreads even to the parents we still only see before and after nursery. People pick each others kids up, we help each other out - its a real community feeling, completely in contrast to DS1s class! We will meet up during the holidays, and the school want us to keep it up through reception etc. I'm now looking into beginning one in september for the 'new' Nursery parents, as I didn't get the nerve to do it for ours until Easter!

Anyway the point of this ramble is that at this age there are not 'popular' kids, there are outgoing parents. So, get all your courage together find another parent you think you could get on with and invite them over! Seriously, if a coward like me can do it anyone can.

Good Luck, and don't worry.

Once again all good advice. DS is going to a private nursery, there are two reception classes and there will only be 6 in his class, 3 boys, of which he is one, I think there are 3, maybe 4 boys in the other class so I dont really have many to invite but have tonight written notes to both Mums in his class. DS is leaving at Christmas but he doesnt know that and neither does the school so am carrying on as normal in the hope that everything will come together in the end. Must start another thread on how its all going. Been to see pead and have been told by school that ds will not be able to cope in reception as he cant hold a pencil properly because his hands are still weak. The pead we saw said he could hold a pencil fine, will try and come back on when I have done my jobs.

lydialemon, I just wanted to say what a lovely post that was and well done on starting the coffee morning and overcoming your shyness, it's a great story.

Just in answer to your thread title - there was some research on "popular" children (really it was about older ones of course) and the one thing they all had in common was openness to other people's ideas, a sort of particular ability to be flexible. Sounds vague in theory; in practice, so simple: instead of saying just "yes" or "no" to something, the child that is going to be popular says "yes, and let's also do ..." or "no, but what do you think about ..."

I think it's a real life skill that can be encouraged even in very small children, though it probably won't have an effect in terms of nursery playdates - which in my experience sadly are just a matter of luck as to who you click with and where they happen to live. School, and especially the reception year mass birthday party circuit, will change that I'm sure.

That's interesting Binkie...

Maybe self confidence might have something to do with it too? - i.e. the child who is comfortable in their own skin and expects to be liked (so therefore is outgoing and friendly often initiating friendly contact)might end up more popular?

I hope it all works out for your little boy Pepsi, I am sure he is well liked by the other kids...

Yes, I agree hmc - it's one of those virtuous (as opposed to vicious) circles - I've seen it with dd since she was tiny - she expects to be welcomed, and she is. But maybe self-confidence is a consequence, not a cause? - with dd I think it all started with her being welcoming herself, in little ways which didn't need confidence - eg from not much over a year she used to notice which toys were particularly special to which other children, and had a little game of giving them their favourite ("here's your dolly" ).

Pepsi, have noticed you are planning meetups in the holidays - one-on-one playdates sound ideal for your ds. Also, I really don't think groups "bond" this young, they'll play with one child one week and another the next. Occasionally groups can be exclusive, but in a nursery I think the staff shouldn't let that happen - my two have been taught (nanny with principles!) to watch for anyone being left out and try to include them. Not sure they always remember, but at least they know.

Pepsi - My son (now aged 5 & in Reception) was very unhappy at nursery & didn't make any friends. I was very worried about it, particularly when he came home saying the others were calling him 'the naughty boy' because he was becoming aggessive. He did have one friend out of school who he played beautifully with & I kept reassuring myself that if he could play nicely with Joel, then he had the ability to do it with others! When he started Reception it all changed - looking back I think he just wasn't interested at that stage in his development - he has an older brother he plays with a lot & just used to say that me & his brother were his best friends. We had lots of chats about how to make friends - he found it hard to initiate friendship & would often hit the other child to get a reaction..... & did lots of role play about making the first move. When he started school I spoke to the teachers in Reception about my worries & they were great - helped identify some children they felt he would bond with & it's been great - he's just finishing Reception & has 2 or 3 really good playmates in his class & is much more receptive to having people over & making friends. He's quite a quiet child & I think he is just the kind of person who will have 1 or 2 good friends as oppose to loads of mates.
Have you tried talking to the playleaders at nursery? Maybe they can help reassure you - they may not feel it is an issue.
Hope this helps - I know this issue ate me up for a long time.
On the tea front - I'd invite as many kids round as you can (assuming your son is happy with this - mine wasn't & we didn't do it for a long while, whereas with my older son it was usual to have at least 2 play dates a week) Most mums are really happy for their children to be invited to play.
Sorry if this is a bit disjointed....... Let me know how you're getting on