Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

getting a 3/4 year old dressed

55 replies

puppydavies · 06/03/2007 10:13

why is this always such a flipping trauma? it's not about ability but motivation. she is totally capable of doing most of it on her own, and when i was a bawling mess yesterday (unrelated) she proved to me that she can actually do the whole lot including tights when she wants to.

so whyyyyyyyy is it always a flash point for us? she just doesn't want to do it and no matter how creative i try to be it's almost impossible to motivate her. before xmas we resorted to star charts (not my preferred method but it was getting dire) which helped to a degree but she's still reluctant and it's about 1 day in 3 i don't end up resorting to growling or shouting or threats to get her dressed (and this applies equally when we're off to do something exciting not just tescos or school).

is this standard? why? any tips? it's driving me round the bend.

ps i'm happy to help (if she asks nicely and doesn't scream) with the bits she finds tricky, i don't expect her to do it all on her own every time.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ScottishThistle · 06/03/2007 14:22

I always have a time for getting dressed, that way there's no fuss or negotiations.

Sounds like your child needs a routine, breakfast, play for 10mins then up to get washed & dressed!

Original poster

puppydavies · 06/03/2007 14:23

oh and in reply to enid - i'm a laid back mum with few rules, but two i do enforce are i will not be shouted or whinged at. when asked nicely i will happily do the whole damn lot with as much grace as you like, and often do.

it's her resistance to the whole process i'm trying to understand.

OP posts:

Bozza · 06/03/2007 14:26

hmm I think scottishthistle might be right - a non-negotiable routine that includes getting dressed. Maybe relax at the weekends. So she knows that getting dressed is expected of her at a certain slot in the day.

Would she be amenable to a race with you?

ThisFrogIsGonnaWhoopYouAss · 06/03/2007 14:30

Agree with ScottishThistle. Also think it might be worth whhile having a 'race to get dressed' with her - my 3.5yo DS loves that, and it always works, especially because he always wins

Original poster

puppydavies · 06/03/2007 14:32

hmmm, you may be right.

OP posts:

Enid · 06/03/2007 14:32

yes agree with routine

SofiaAmes · 06/03/2007 14:36

My 4 (dd) and 6 (ds) year olds are expected to dress themselves every morning. It is part of a non-negotiable routine (includes making their beds and teeth brushing) that we do every morning. It has been part of their routine for a long time, so they don't question it.
It sound to me like you are perhaps being inconsistent with your dd. If you give in to her at 10:30 and start yelling at her because she has chosen not to get dressed and get her treat, then she knows that at some point you will give in. Why don't you try not giving in. After a few days of missing trips to the park etc. she may realize that it's worth doing it on her own. Also, I'm a believer in not setting clothes out the night before and letting my kids pick what they want to wear themselves. But I do think some of that may be personality driven as well.

Original poster

puppydavies · 06/03/2007 14:41

i don't see this as a "giving in" issue. she would happily sit at home all day in her pyjamas, really she would. it's for my benefit/sanity that we were going somewhere thismorning.

OP posts:

Original poster

puppydavies · 06/03/2007 14:42

oh and we have missed trips because she wouldn't get dressed and it has very little impact - like i said, at home in hr pyjamas is fine with her.

OP posts:

SofiaAmes · 06/03/2007 14:47

But puppydavies, you described the outing as motivation for her...If it's really an outing for you and she prefers to stay home, then it's no wonder that she isn't getting dressed.
Also, it sounds like your dd is enjoying the drama and negotiations. It is a form of attention.

I wonder if you need to rethink the approach. What motivates your dd. Perhaps you could take her out in her pj's if she doesn't get dressed in time. That might convince her to get dressed when asked. (that would work with my dd, but be a complete waste of time with ds who would love to go around town in pj's).

ScottishThistle · 06/03/2007 14:48

I don't think it's healthy to allow a child to hang around in PJ's all day hence why I've always had a timetogetdressed...I know that I feel sluggish if slopping around in my pj's & the longer I'm in them the less I want to get dressed!

Original poster

puppydavies · 06/03/2007 14:57

have wondered about taking her out in pjs, always struck me as a bit cruel.

OP posts:

serenity · 06/03/2007 15:05

Hmmm, I can see you're in a bit of a no win situation then, if she's a pita when you leave her to it, and a pita when you try to help. Racing might be worth a try - it works with my lot when my sister does it with them, but not when I do it! Other things I've done with DD when she has her stubborn moments (she's 3.4 atm) includes attcking her with 'clothes monsters' - socks that eat her feet, pants that get her bum, or tickiling her into submission, but I appreciate that that could be seen as 'rewarding' her for being a pain.

northernfrozenmama · 06/03/2007 15:43

Lurking, saw the conversation, & thought I'd add my two bits.

Have a 4 yr old DD who is also adverse to getting dressed quickly. I don't think it matters who picks out the clothes - if she's happy for you to do it, then you do it. Mine likes to pick her own. I put the timer on 10 minutes, and give her lots of encouragement/remindes about what she is supposed to be doing.

I have found that she often dawdles for attention ( I have 2 other kids, both younger), so I stay with her, and if she makes the effort to start, then I help her as she needs/wants and we talk about what we're going to do in the day. Often we make a "date" for some 1:1 time then. It works some of the time, but not all.

I also have begun to get them dressed before we go down to eat, as getting them back upstairs is usually a nightmare. Sometimes it's a nightmare anyway!!!

sunnysideup · 06/03/2007 16:44

my 4 yr old ds is really not keen to get dressed independently and I'm of the serenity school of parenting, I don't make an issue of it because I am sure that by the time he is 16 he will be doing it for himself

What I do is, as some people have said, make it an unaltering routine; we always get dressed at 8.20am when Thomas comes on Milkshake, and ds watches this while I help him....If he jiggles about or gets silly, I remind him that he will have to do it on his own if he doesn't help me to do it...

it works for us but that's because I don't mind helping him and I don't have a baby on the way so no feeling of having to address it. I do agree with Enid though, you'll find she wants more babying than less when the baby comes anyway so perhaps just accept this is a battle that's not worth fighting for now.

I'd say help her from the beginning, every day, and using the telly as a distraction works a treat for us, and do it at the same time every day no matter what.

SofiaAmes · 06/03/2007 17:45

sorry, puppydavies, but not sure who is the victim of the cruelty when you take your child out in pj's. I hardly think the child suffers. If anything it's the parent who is worrying what other people will think about their lack of parenting skills.

To go back to your original question of "why is (getting dressed) always a flash point for us?" It's a flashpoint because you chose to let it be. Now don't take that as a judgement... it's your household and you get to make the rules and there are 101 "right" ways to bring up a child. But I do think it's important to recognize that you are in control of what happens. And it seems like you have made the choice that what it takes to eliminate the drama is worse (to you) than the drama. I wish you well....I'm sure she'll grow out of it eventually anyway....;)

Original poster

puppydavies · 06/03/2007 17:55

i disagree - if i sent her to school in pjs i think it would be cruel because the other kids would take the piss. she already has it in her head that she can't wear blue because people will think she's a boy. of course she would be aware (or be made aware) of being "wrongly" dressed.

OP posts:

ScottishThistle · 06/03/2007 17:59

You shouldn't have to take a child out in pj's in any case, take charge of the situation...Children feel secure with routine, rules & boundaries!

Original poster

puppydavies · 06/03/2007 18:19

oh i missed this bit sofiaames: "it seems like you have made the choice that what it takes to eliminate the drama is worse (to you) than the drama"

not at all. we haven't yet tried having a set time for getting dressed and am happy to have a go at that - indeed have already told her we're going to do that tomorrow. other than that i have yet to hear another suggestion that we haven't already tried with a worse outcome than our current situation.

i get the impression that your vaunted "non-judgemental" comments are anything but, but thanks for your sincere good wishes

OP posts:

Original poster

puppydavies · 06/03/2007 18:22

rules and boundaries we do fine thanks, routines aren't my thing, but am willing to give it a go to see whether it helps this situation (the one recurring problem we have in our otherwise blissful existence ).

OP posts:

Bozza · 06/03/2007 21:22

Hmm I think if you took her out in her pjs you might not have to get all the way to school before she decided she wanted to get dressed.

Smithagain · 06/03/2007 21:44

DD1 is 4.5 and in Reception. We have to leave the house by 8:15 to walk to school, so her slow dressing has become a bit of an issue!

Among other strategies, we have a rather rude and grumpy teddy bear, who doesn't believe that DD1 can dress herself. Sometimes, when she is mucking about, he and I have "conversations" along the lines of

Teddy: "Pah!, I bet R can't get dressed all by herself"
Me: "Oh, I think she can"
Teddy: "Rubbish - I can't see her doing anything"
etc
etc

It is strangely effective - the teddy can really take the mickey out of her (in a way that I would never do if it was "me" talking to her). And she is desperate to prove him wrong, so actually gets on with it.

And sometimes I count to a certain number (about 120 at the moment!) and she dresses before I get to it.

Both strategies work quite well when I'm in a serene enough mood to play along.

But sometimes I just yell like a banshee and then we end up being late because she gets so stressed

Enid · 07/03/2007 07:50

@ the old 'taking them out in pjs' arguement

unecessary and mean if you ask me

mediterraneo · 07/03/2007 09:43

Surely they will freeze in their pijamas? Unless you live in sunny Italy....
Haven't read the whole thread, but can you tell her that when she has dressed herself she will be rewarded with something (for instance she gets to "make breakfast", or "help" with something, or you will read her fav book, or she can play a short game on the computer, or whatever else). I think it is easy with one's on kids to get into a vicious circle of negativity, it happens with my ds, till I remember I am the adult, be positive, reward and praise, etc.

Bucketsofdynomite · 07/03/2007 09:51

My dd loves dressing herself, in fact me and DS are still in pjs, she's been dressed for an hour. Think she likes the grownupness of it - does your LO have any other worries about growing up? Does she start school this year?
(Today my DD is wearing shorts over tights with a jumper LOL.)
It'll be warmer soon, how about taking her somewhere cheap and letting her choose some new t-shirts that she can get excited about. You know the sort they like, ones with a kitten, icecream or rainbow on the front. Then you can just argue about cardigans or jackets.

Flip

1 2 3