10 year old has violent rages over small things!

[Chellavix]

I'm the mother of a 10 year old (will be 11 this week) and I am at the end of my tether. My daughter has violent rages that are getting worse and more frequent (she has had 6 in the last 4 days). I've been to local parenting courses (triple p), but they all talk about my behaviour rather than hers. The problem is that her rages aren't triggered by me asking her to do something or not letting her do stuff. They are triggered by general things that happen that I don't have any control over; in fact quite often they are things that are her own fault. For example, a recent episode was caused by her school librarian badge being broken (due to her obsessive need to unpin it from her cardigan every night and repin it in the morning). When the badge broke, she became so angry that she threw it and her cardigan across the room, screamed in my face and proceeded to take her anger out on her bedroom door (which no longer closes properly...another trigger for another episode later that same day). Similar episodes occur when she feels a clothing label is annoying her or the clothing is unconfotable in some other way (socks or tights usually). Other episodes are caused by her getting upset when she realises that a previous rage episode has resulted in her damaging something that belongs to her. There is no way I can predict when she goes or prevent it. And once she's in a rage, nothing I do seems to help: I've tried being calm and patient, I've tried just hugging her in silence (amid being kicked and punched myself), and I've tried walking away and ignoring her (this last really raises the stakes for her rages and tends to be when most of the damage to my house and belongings is done-not a single door in my house closes properly now). I've had dining chairs flung at me, books, ornaments, and she's even come at me with a pair of scissors. And the increased frequency over the last month is taking its toll on me as I have hardly slept, am exhausted, not eating properly, have headaches and a permanent sore throat/cold. I've got an appointment with the doctor this week, but I'm worried that the doctor will just refer me for more parenting classes. I think my daughter needs help herself. Has anyone else been through similar who can advise??

Phew, that sounds very tough.

Could you go to the GP and explain what's been happening and ask for your DD to be referred for some assessments? This has been going on for a long time and you've done parenting classes but they're not helping. So really you'd be within your rights to insist. Say you want a referral for your DD to CAMHS or to a paediatric consultant so she can be checked out for developmental or mental health issues.

My DS had rage attacks too, and he was assessed when he was 6 and diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Things got a lot better after he was diagnosed, he had support in school and I learnt how to deal with him in a different way from the usual parenting classes because the usual classes didn't take his needs into account.

To be honest your description of how she is at home sounds as if she might possibly have some autism-spectrum issues too. Obviously I can't say for sure but it would be worth getting her assessed and finding out for sure. How does she get on at school? These issues often show up at school as well but not always, some girls are very good at "masking" in school but that puts them under a lot of strain so they really let rip at home. It's also possible that she will start to show signs of trouble in school when she moves to secondary. So it is worth getting some assessments now and finding out what the problem is before she changes schools.

In the meantime a lot of us whosekids have rage attacks have found Ross Greene's Explosive Child book and his Lives in the Balance website very helpful. They don't need any particular diagnosis, they work for kids who have rage attacks over nothing for all sorts of different reasons.

Hi,
So sorry you're gong through this. I agree your child needs help from CAHMS. This sounds so much like my little one, well 18 now & not so little. We had a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome. I do think there's something more going on with her than just naughty/ rage issues.
My other child has bipolar & can go from being high & happy to suicidal in minutes. Sh never had anger rage but more tearful self hatred. She does however suffer with dreadful OCD, which contributes to the tears. Good luck with getting help