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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Do you have a child who can't occupy themselves?

24 replies

penelopecruz · 05/03/2007 17:20

I do. She has always been like this, and her sister is not like this at all. I worry about it. She likes reading. She will play with her little sister, but she never really seems to have much va va voom, many ideas about what she wants to do, unless it involves one of us playing with her - and her sister is totally the opposite, always knows what she wants to do, has millions of ideas, is always making something, planning something.

I am worried that I have "made" her like this some how from my early parenting....too controlling or something - . I don't know any other children as passive as she is. She loves her extracurricular activities as they provide a structure to her life,but she seems all at sea without structure.

Does anyone else have achild like this?

OP posts:

luciemule · 05/03/2007 20:23

yes- my 5 year old DD is like this. She used to be quite good at entertaining herself but once I had her brother (now 2) all she seems to want to do is watch tv. I guess she'll be more tired since starting school but she never rushes home to go up and play with her toys (of which there are far too many) like I used to when I was her age. Everything she wants to do always has to involve me! DS is much the same. They both love stories but are quite happy for me to instigate everything. Even when they play outside they look a bit lost and can't find much to entertain themselves. I hope, once the weather gets better, they'll have more ideas and want to play away from the TV!
How old are your two?

Jimjams2 · 05/03/2007 20:32

nah they're born like it. DS2 (5) has always made up imaginative games- he;s a bit computer boy now but he can entertain himself really easily for hours. DS3 (2) on the other hand...... he has to be with me, doing exactly what I'm doing. He cannot entertain himself for 10 seconds. If I play he's enthusiastic. If I try and set up a game and leave him to empty the dishwasher, he;s in there with the crockery..... Grrrrr.

whywhywhy · 05/03/2007 20:42

My ds (3.7) is exactly the same. Cannot spend a minute alone. Rarely if ever occupies himself for more than 10 seconds with anything.

I would be interested to know if there's a theory about the type of parenting that 'causes' this or if it's really just personality (ultrasociable, or something else)

Jimjams2 · 05/03/2007 20:47

It's personality. Ds3 has been like it since the moment he was born.....!

whywhywhy · 05/03/2007 20:50

yeah my ds too jimjams. I have always been convinced he was 'born that way' but you read so much stuff about how parenting determines everything...including your levels of anxiety,etc, and like most first time mothers I was anxious with him when he was a little one.

Still doesn't quite explain why he has to spend every hour of every day 1cm from his dad, me or his nanny (in that order of preference)

Hassled · 05/03/2007 20:53

I don't think it's anything to do with parenting - of my 4 kids, only one was ever really happy to play independently and that was the oldest, so I always assumed it was birth position. We had 2 years on our own playing together, but then the other siblings started to arrive and I guess he had to be more self-sufficient when it came to playing. But this doesn't fit in with the OP's experience (older DD doesn't occupy herself) which shoots my theory down in flames. It has to be personality.

Jimjams2 · 05/03/2007 20:54

I'd bin that idea. TBH I gave up blaming myself when I was told it was my fault ds 1 couldn't talk- he still can;t talk aged 7, so I doubt it has much to do with parenting!!!

Ds3 is a very different personality to his brothers. They're both quite laid back, he's much more intense, and sensitive and therefore stroppy. He really was born like it though- he was born holding his head up to look around and check out what was going on- his brothers were passive little laid back babies.

I don't think it has anything to do with parenting at all. He;s too different from the other two, and I didn;t change that much!

Jimjams2 · 05/03/2007 20:55

Hassled - I wondered about birth position- ds3 was born having to stake his claim-(plis all the third children I've met have been lons) but I think you'[ve just shot down my theory

roisin · 05/03/2007 21:02

Hmm.. I'm not sure, I think they can be trained:

DS2 could 'naturally' easily amuse himself. At age 2 ds2 would happily go out in the garden and play out there for 2 hrs on his own (I would keep an eye from the kitchen window).

Even at the age of 4 ds1 still demanded lots of attention: at least every 10 mins, and preferably constantly, and he certainly wouldn't go out to play in the garden alone.

But by the time he was 5, certainly by 6, he had made huge strides; and could happily amuse himself for long stretches without being constantly demanding.

whywhywhy · 05/03/2007 21:04

jimjams' ds3 sounds just like my ds1- intense, sensitive, stroppy...and born checking out everything, leading to refusing to sleep in the daytime pretty much from birth in case he missed anything...
Personality is an underestimated force eh.

malaleche · 05/03/2007 21:09

I'll probably get scorned for this but how about if you got them both a professional astrology chart and reading - might highlight your dd1's strong points and explain the weaker ones...just a thought...

Jimjams2 · 05/03/2007 21:12

why- exactly the same sleep wise Fighting daytime sleep even when eyes are shutting......

Is that training or development though roisin? I REALLY hope ds3 an amuse himselft a bit by 5 or I'll be fruitake!

Jimjams2 · 05/03/2007 21:13

asrtrology...... both capricorns (ds2 and ds3), as am I, god help us!

PeachesMcLean · 05/03/2007 21:15

I've been putting it down to the way we look after him. He's an only child and DH plays with him constantly when he's around, (they're a pair of idiots together.) When it's just me and him in the house, for example during school holidays, at first he wants to be played with all the time and it takes some doing to get him into the spirit of chilling out and enjoying his own toys.
DS adores DH and follows him around constantly. It's great that DS loves him so much but a bit wearing on DH I think.

whywhywhy · 06/03/2007 11:57

interesting peaches cos mine also has a very emotionally close relationship with his dad, who unfortunately works long hours. But when dad is around, he is much more full on with his son than almost any other dad I know- he cried at the end of his paternity leave, because he wanted to be with ds so much (not an option, as I am a penniless student).

I do sometimes wonder if the 100% full on attention from 2 parents thing (with one not always actually available) makes ds more attention seeking generally...

malaleche ds is a triple Leo. (I have a weird relationship with astrology whereby I will do birthcharts but would deny in any rational argument that I actually believe in it). Sun, Moon and ascendant, and several other planets, god help us. He does have all the conventional Leo characteristics, extremely generous, extremely bossy, but can be quite cold and reserved at times (though still not to the point of actually leaving you alone). He is a mini emperor. One of his first phrases was 'you HAVE to...'.

FunMumm · 06/03/2007 12:10

My DS was the same when he was young.. Never played with traintracks/cars/lego, wasn't interested in the telly, drawing, and never sat still. In fact sleeping with him is like sleeping with an epileptic [no offence meant] He was always very active so we used to go swimming, walking, to the park...

He's now 8 and has got a lot better, still likes his sports and being outside, plays with his nintendo, likes the computer..

I always thought it was an age thing as he's never had to amuse himself as he has an older sister to occupy him....

mamma2kids · 06/03/2007 12:40

Definately the way they're born. I have 2 different kids. DS will play more on his own but tends to act out things he's seen on TV (power rangers mainly). Also he jumps about and chucks tha cushions around etc (ie not very relaxing if youre in the same room). He likes to come and show me things (somersaults) and tell me things then goes off again. Do you restrict her games much (ie saying don't jump about, don't make a mess etc) as I've found DS will only play a game thet he's interested in and not one that is suggested.

Lazycow · 06/03/2007 14:39

As I only have one I assumed it was because ds (2.4yrs) gets both me and dh giving him lots of attention but I am glad those of you with more than one have this as an issue too . Maybe it is personality. Ds is certainly not laid back and never has been. He has a very intense personality - even for a toddler. He is constantly chatting and interested in people and gets really bored indoors for too long.

I have NEVER spent a whole day indoors with dh since he was a newborn (i.e about 4 weeks old). Even if one of us is ill it is just not possible to spend the whole day at home with ds and to stay sane. He needs regular short trips out. Dh who is much more of a homebody than me finds this quite difficult. He has tried to do the 'We are having a day at home today' thing but always cracks as ds gets so whiny and unhappy.

Ds has been known to say 'want see people' -He is quite happy with a stroll down the high street as long as there are people and things going to look at.

DS will also play at home but really only if dh or myself are involved or at the very least if we are watching him making encouraging noises. I am very of those of you with dcs of 2/3 years old who can entertain themselves for 2 hours or in fact even for mor then 10 mins!

Troutpout · 06/03/2007 14:46

ds (9)...has always been allowed to entertain himself. I used to hover trying to get in on the act when he was little.
dd (4) cannot occupy herself at all

Troutpout · 06/03/2007 16:36

allowed?
i mean able obviously

CarofromWton · 10/03/2007 21:28

DD1 (now 8) has never been good at entertaining herself - I used to become exhausted going to different places just to keep her amused 24/7. I try to be more laid back but even now she complains if there's a spare hour in the day to fill!

By contrast DD2 (now 3) has always amused herself and is much easier altogether.

Must be down to individual personalities!

Posey · 10/03/2007 21:36

My dd is a hopeless self-starter, still finds it hard to entertain herself and find something to do. She's 9. I put a lot of it down to the fact I was pretty full on with her as a little one and found myself feeling guilty if I wasn't interacting with her.
By the time ds came along, the guilt had gone! He showed early signs of being good at keeping himself occupied so I felt less guilty about sitting reading the paper or doing some chores while he played. I must say it is a breath of fresh air not having to entertain him, but I do like playing with him.

lostinfrance · 10/03/2007 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Abwab · 12/03/2007 15:05

this is all really interesting. My DS is 2.6 and has never been able to entertain himself for longer than 5 minutes. His speech is very good and he loves physical activites but is not interested in puzzles etc. He will draw or paint for about 5 mins and then get fed up. He constantly wants to be played with so i get him involved with the chores i need to get done but alot of the time i am at my wits end with his demands to be played with or entertained. He is a very good little boy and very funny but i long for a time where i can relax while he plays on his own for a short time. I worry myself sick that i have made him this way somehow.

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