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Original poster

Oppositional defiance disorder - anyone have experience with this?

38 replies

LucyLamplight · 10/03/2017 02:41

My DS has just been given a preliminary diagnosis of this by a psychologist. I am really not sure what to think or where to turn to. Does anyone have experience with this? The psychologist's words of "this won't be easy" are currently ringing in my mind. Anyone have any reassuring words to offer?

Thank you.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 13/03/2017 12:13

It was and not great thinking we may have to repeat it....
DS1 is doing really well now though :}

MusicToMyEars800 · 13/03/2017 12:22

wannabe I feel for you having to go through it all over again with your 2nd DS, hopefully it will be a bit easier second time round, it's really good to hear you DS1 is doing well now, I do believe that age changes them massively my little brother is much better now he is older, he still has anger problems but is able to deal with them much better, I think when they are younger they can't cope with the emotions and hormones which makes it a whole lot more difficult.

Nelllo · 13/03/2017 12:46

We've just had DS 1 diagnosed ADHD, ODD and severe dyslexia... Much of what you write resonates with me FlowersFlowersFlowers

We don't see many issues at home - he IS energetic, spirited and headstrong, but we have very consistent, firm boundaries and high behaviour expectations. He has always needed this and he responds very well. OH and I are careful to discuss what's working and what isn't, and we do our best to keep everything on an even keel. He is also happy at friends houses and we often get compliments about his conduct and his gregarious personality from friends and family.

At school though? He absolutely takes advantage of any and every weak link. I've been horrified by some of his actions and behaviours; he is openly defiant, refuses to listen and engage, is behind in his learning and struggling socially. He seems to start each day well and then it spirals out of control as the day wears on. We are just now embarking on conversations about medication to see if it might be a way of helping him to be calmer and more focused throughout the day.

Original poster
LucyLamplight · 13/03/2017 20:59

Thanks for sharing your experience Nello

Yes, our experience is very similar. It is at school where this is having the biggest impact. I find it hard to get my head around -if I was told to do something at school I did it and would have been mortified to get in trouble and for DS his behavior is the opposite. I don't know what each day will bring as he too starts off ok and then it can spiral unpredictability. I am constantly looking for what I can control that might have set him off -food, sleep, going to before school care that has tired him out?

How old is your DS? Thanks for sharing -I feel so alone in this and I would also say embarrassed by his behavior and I am finding it hard to talk to people about what is going on whilst it is all consuming.

Big hugs to you.

OP posts:
Nellooo · 17/03/2017 01:14

He's 7.

I was like you at school Lucylamp. I was and still am a proper little apple polisher. It sure makes it harder to get your head around the behaviour issues.

Squeegle · 17/03/2017 06:56

I was (and am) the same. I'm very obedient. My son is off with a suspension today. I am worried, angry, mortified, puzzled, all in equal measure. It's hard to identify and to know how they are really feeling.
I'm also struggling with isolation, everyone's children seem to be constantly doing well, getting awards etc, and my DS just seems to be behaving worse and worse.' Feeling really anxious about what to do next really.

picklemepopcorn · 17/03/2017 07:16

I came on to warn you that therapeutically parenting your child may lead people to criticise you for 'letting him get away with it', then saw your update re DH.

Parenting children with these kinds of conditions needs calmness, not being drawn into their chaos and distress. It also needs conflict avoidance. This isn't the same as 'letting have their own way', but sometimes looks like it. When my DS was struggling, if I told him off, the behaviour got worse. If I removed him from the situation, gave him a hug, asked what was wrong, the behaviour got better and could be resolved.

DM saw this as pandering to him. Lots of people will. I'm not saying let him run riot at all, but avoid unnecessarily telling him what to do, telling him he's wrong, putting lots of constraints around him.

Routines are your friend though.

Look up positive parenting. It isn't aimed at ASD PDA etc, but it still helps.

Original poster
LucyLamplight · 17/03/2017 21:30

It is hard to relate Nello as there is simply no way I would have got told off, let alone have things escalate.

Big hugs to you Squeegle That is so hard. I completely feel those same emotions. I have stopped looking at Facebook as couldn't handle the pressure that my child is not the same (a great quote I find is "comparison is the thief of joy"). I have also felt disadvantaged by being a working parent in these situations where having to leave work to collect DS is humiliating to me. I tell my colleagues he is sick and leave it at that but feel deceitful as I work with lovely people who are parents too but I don't think they can relate.

Thank you pickle I agree. If I tell DS off he gets so down and behavior escalates. I am going to try and stay more calm (I am pretty calm anyway for the most part). Thank you for your reassurance.

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ifitsnotanarse · 20/03/2017 23:42

We're waiting for a CAMHS referral for DS1 as his behaviour is spiraling out of control both at home and in school. He displays symptoms of ODD and PANDAS and is very 'low' at present. I thought I was a useless mother, unable to control my child but now am coming round to the idea that he cannot help himself with outbursts and tantrums. After reading some litreature on ODD yesterday we had a fairly good day as both DH and I remained calm despite DS trying to rile us, but this morning he refused to go to school and it took much cajoling to get him dressed/into the car/into class.
I had also read that mineral deficiencies could play a part and have ordered magnesium and vit D supplements. Have also removed all sugary drinks, snacks etc, and the family are all going gluten-free - anything that could be a help. Am thinking I will phone Helpline tomorrow for advice as CAHMS appointment could take up to nine weeks.

Original poster
LucyLamplight · 21/03/2017 12:38

Thanks for sharing ifitsnotanarse

It's so hard isn't it. Good for you for staying calm -that is always my goal.

I am going to ask the paediatrician about diet too -I don't know where to start on that (with an already picky eater) but am willing to give anything a go.

I have started reading Ross Greenes Explosive Child book recommended by kleinzeit up thread. I am finding out reassuring so far and really interesting.

OP posts:
Elizabeth1970 · 28/03/2017 08:40

Are you in the UK?

Original poster
LucyLamplight · 28/03/2017 12:11

Hi there elizabeth1970 -no I'm not in the UK

OP posts:
Elizabeth1970 · 28/03/2017 14:57

Ah thinks will be a little different then maybe, what country are you in?

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