How can I help my DD?

[Imnotaslimjim]

She is 9 in a few weeks and always had a spectacular temper. When she was younger she could tantrum until she vomited then just carry on. Nothing soothed her once she was set off. We've done a lot of work with her and school, putting things in place to help her talk about how she is feeling rather than lose it etc. The last year has been really good until the last few weeks. Now, we are back to weekly phone calls to tell us that she's had a tantrum or she's hurt another pupil.

Today, she hit another child because they said she had broken a toy belonging to another student (it's world book day so they had personal belongings not normally allowed) it was proven that it wasn't DD but the other student persisted in blaming her and she hit out, hard enough to leave a mark.

How do I get through to her that while I understand she felt it unjust to be blamed for something she hadn't done, she can't be hitting people. She was very upset when the student hit her back and doesn't seem to grasp it was just as deserved as her hitting first.

Sorry if this is a bit rambly, I'm a bit upset that she's lost control again and I don't know how to help her keep her cool.

I would ask for a school meeting to find out a few things.

One thing to look out for is that it maybe she is being wound up. I've seen it in schools many time where a child, or group of children "tease" until the victim hits out, then go and tell on them and get them into trouble. Yes the hitting isn't right and is escalating it, but actually it is a way of bullying.

Is the class teacher/lunchtime supervisors treating her as a tell tale if she comes and says someone is upsetting her or are they allowing her to take time out and helping.
if she feels they will just tell her to go away and play nicely then she may feel she has nothing but hitting left to deal with persistence.

Is it always the same person/group of people? Would she regard them as friends?

The fact she's gone back to it, raises alarm bells to me that there is more than just bad temper.

Yes, when you speak to the school and her you need to not minimise the offense of hitting-always unacceptable (except as my dc will remind you, when you're being kidnapped by a madman!) and you need to agree she will be punished for that. but I think you need to find out what's behind it to ultimately help.

witchend thank you that really helps. I've actually said the same thing to my friend today. I am wondering if DD is being bullied and provoked into reacting. She's had 3 incidents with one particular child so we've advised her to stay away from her as much as possible.

I'll chat to school about it next week and ask them to to keep an eye out. She said she does tell teacher if someone is being nasty to her, whether it's followed up every time is a different matter.