Only Children. Sensitive, four year old, gets angry with himself for not doing things properly!

[saaa]

Help, is it my fault. The only time my four year old smiles is when after asking if he can watch a video, I say yes !!! He doesn't seem happy to play on his own. He has always been an 'observer' and not actively involving himself. I play with him but find myself getting frustrated at his lack of real involvement. Am I expecting too much? He has always been a shy boy. I could go on forever. He is however a lovely, kind, bright, Happy, sociable little thing and really amazingly "good".

My ds is 3.7 yrs old and an only child. He is not exactly like yours because he is very good at being naughty . But he is an observer, as you put it, for the first half hour or so of being in other kids' company. He didn't use to play well by himself either but I think that was because we went through a period where he was fighting for our attention (we'd just moved abroad, lots of building work, starting a business etc). I would say that he IS shy unless he knows someone very well, but even with them it takes him about 10 minutes to relax. Does your boy go to nursery/school? My ds started a few weeks ago and I've already seen a big change in him. He is fascinated by everything he sees, full of energy (even more than before!) and is quicker at joining in when he's with other kids, even ones he doesn't know. It's made a big difference very quickly. Also, during one of his really naughty periods we withdrew TV and surprisingly he stopped asking for it after a day and started playing by himself very happily, getting out toys he had neglected for ages. And he was only getting 1 hour a day previously.
He picks up on atmospheres a lot. If we are both stressed with external stuff he starts acting up but if we are relaxed he is fantastic fun.
I answered your thread because your ds sounded a bit like mine and I don't know tbh whether it is a syndrome of being an only child or just personality. I think the worst thing to do would be to make him aware that there is an issue, and let time and life experiences do their job. I was extremely shy as a little girl and was pressured a lot to talk to people, which made me not want to talk to people!! Stubborn child! But at some point while I was growing up I decided it was fun to interact and I am now the complete opposite. Sometimes it is difficult to shut me up.... as you can tell from my reply!

Oh, and also my ds gets annoyed if he can't do things properly too. But I think he is copying his dad when he does that....

hi, thanks for replying. He is at nursery and it did make alot of difference to him. Especially as he is one of the eldest. But it's the getting angry with himself bit that I find most difficult, because I see that holding him back. And yes I recognise that in me. I feel I make it worse, I try to be patient but sometimes I get so frustrated with him when he won't try something new, I feel it's from fear of failing. Getting dressed, if he puts his arm in the wrong way he gets so cross he throws the clothing around and throws himself on the bed with a blank expression on his face. Not always of course, but.... He is shy, and yes picks up on the atmosphere around him.I feel I need to support him but am not quite sure which is the best approach. Sometimes when I am gentle with him I can tell he stretches out the tears. He is so chatty with adults but not so with children. He appears to be very popular in nursery.

Hi, I'm writing this from work, and probably feeling a little tense because of that. perhaps I should wait till I am ay home

Laugh and say it doesn't matter. children learn from what you do, not what you say. You might be telling him to calm down, but if you are stressing, he will stress. If he sees you laughing and relaxed about it, he will eventually learn that this is how we respond when frustrated.

Hi thanks.Just typing it out has helped me concentrate on what it actually is that is bugging me at the moment. He has always been an 'observer' since he was a baby. Someone once described him as 'passive',I felt very upset. I used to make models with him, set up painting, playdoh, bake cakes all that kind of stuff, and find that I was doing it on my own. He would wander off. So i relaxed on the crafty stuff let him only lick the bowl out when cooking etc. All babies progress at their own rate, all are individual, own likes and dislikes. So we used to go out, or he was happiest just sitting on my lap reading a book, Trains, planes, cars etc.So I tried to find the things he liked. But now I feel a bit stumped. He seems to say 'I'm bored' alot.And doesn't really ever play on his own, 'it's boring', His friends come round and play with his toys in ways he never does. He is a bright little thing and I'm very proud of him but can't seem to get on his wavelength at the mo. I feel frustrated at the end of each day, and so pleased when my dh comes home, to hand over. BAD BAD MUM.

You are NOT a bad mum at all. My DD is 8 and an only child also. She too gets very frustrated with herself if she can't do things right the first time. I recognised a while ago that she was just copying my behaviour - I do it too! I get irritated with things far too easily and she's grown up seeing that.
Now, I try to be all light-hearted when things are frustrating for either of us. It's not working yet though
I had to go to parents' evening the other week, and her teacher told me my DD takes things very seriously in class and gets annoyed if she can't do a sum or whatever correctly first time. She doesn't like to ask for help either. I do think my DD's a bit of a quitter at times and I try really hard to show support and help her in a helpful way, rather than getting frustrated with her like I used to. Hopefully it will have an effect soon.

Not much help I'm afraid, but just wanted to show you that you're not alone in this situation. Wish I could give you some useful advice.

FBB

Yes thanks, It is hard to change your own habits isn't it. But I hate seeing it reenacted by my ds. Yes I feel he does quit too easily. I can see the laughing it off approach may be better than the gentle approach. He seems to then pull it out forever. And better than the frustrated approach that I can be driven too. I flip from one to the other perhaps too easily. Gentle - Frustrated, poor child !!!

And thanks, you did give me some very helpful advice in fact, Many thanks