Brother hitting sister, how do I get it to stop?

[admylin]

Ds is 8 going on 9 and dd is 7. Yesterday in school she had to write a few sentences about her greatest wishes. She wrote that she wished her brother would stop hitting her (also that she wanted a cat and her cousin to come and visit us again)I was quite sad to read it.
I didn't realize the fighting was getting to her that badly. Ds is not a typical wild, rough lad. He reads alot and they go to Aikido training together.
They do fight though and he went through a stage of always hitting her on the top of her head which I got him to stop doing with very strong telling off but he now hits or kicks on her arm, leg or back.
Any tips on how to get this aggresive side out of him? He only has it with his sister, never gets in scraps at school either.

Maye you could try a zero tolerance? I'm thinking back to when I was this age; my bro is only 15 months older so we were really, really close (people used to call us 'the twins') but i have to say, fights and rough n tumble just weren't part of our relationship at 7 8 or 9...

Would you think it would be possible just to say to them, now they are such big sensible children they need to stop hitting/kicking eachother. Maybe have some sitting on the bed intimate chats about what they love about each other etc, then you can repeat to the other one, 'wow, your sister ADORES you' etc etc, just really make them value their bond; maybe make your ds feel the grown up, protective brother in the hopes that this will make him feel less like hitting anyway.

Once the groundwork is done you could be totally clear that there is no hitting in your house. It is possible, I'm sure. Good luck, HTH?

Thanks for the advice, I just started last night sitting on his bed and telling him how much his sister loves him and she does really. Her first word was his name and she always adored him. I will have to intensify the talks a bit.
When they were smaller they were always happy to play together but lately they have fewer good days than bad.

Top advice from sunnysideup.

What do you think is behind the hitting? Is he just taking out his general frustrations on her, might he be getting teased or bullied in school and he's "taking it out" on her? Does he feel she is favoured in any way?

He may just not know his own strength, and genuinely not get how much it's upsetting her.

One approach that works with much younger children (and if there is a danger of his perceived favouritism, you may need to tread carefully) is to make a huge fuss of the victim, whilst ignoring/time out-ing the hitter. eg, take her off with you into the kitchen for a biscuit/drawing/extra 10 ins tv time. The advantage of this is that he will see that hitting her gets her privileges, whilst he gets zip, but not actually punished in a 'bed early/no tv etc' kind of way.

Might be worth having a chat about how to 'get out' his frustrations without laying into his sister, eg wallop a pillow/write down whatever's annoyed him etc.

Just read this through and just wanted to say about my favouritism comment, that how things are and how children see them are often two v different things. Really didn't mean to insinuate anything!

I've thought of this too. Dd is still a cudle girl so often comes to just sit and cuddle with me and she is very good at school so get's praised, helps at home, so get's praised and generally she gets alot of praise but ds does too when he deserves it but at the moment itis probably more dd. Ds has to be told 3 times to do things, fights off doing his homework etc..won't busy himself.
He's not being bullied, infact is quite well liked and respected in school even though he doesn't join in with the lads at football or get into fights. Wish I could get to the bottom of it all, he is probably what would be classed as highly sensitive but that sort of thing isn't a recognised thing here in Germany.

Hi, im having the same problem with my 4 year old son and my 1 year old daughter. He hits her all the time but this is gradually getting worse and he is fighting at school too. Ive tried the traditional punishing.. go to bed, time out etc... and ive tried been especially nice to my daughter when this happends but nothing seems to help matters. He knows that my daughter loves him and he says he loves her too but he just wont stop hitting her. Any ideas?

I've got a feeling though - when we are especially nice to dd because he hits her, it just makes it worse in ds's eyes, he doesn't get it. I think although unintentionally caused, there is a favouritism problem. That's the only reason I can find at the moment but how to solve the problem...?