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Using Time out

41 replies

myermay · 23/06/2004 19:03

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CP3 · 23/06/2004 19:06

I use it on my DD thats only just two and it works like a dream with her. I follow the same guidelines as Little Angels and it doesnt often get to time out stage as shes learning now that after she had two chances to stop whatever shes doing then she doesnt get another chance. I then really praise her for what she goes on to do next, as in playing nicely etc

CP3 · 23/06/2004 19:08

Sorry myer i use it when she constantly whines or when she refuses to take no for an answer. like jumping on her baby brother or running away down the street etc

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myermay · 23/06/2004 19:10

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CP3 · 23/06/2004 19:16

Wouldnt like to say yes or no really, but if he knows hes not meant to be doing it then hes old enough to understan time out.

I put her wherever we are at the time. I dont drag her off anywhere, as in her room, the fact that i no longer want anything to do with her works a treat. I know little angels say dont use the bedroom but if shes in there then thats the room i use. I also dont do two mins as one seems to work at the moment with her age.

katherine37 · 23/06/2004 19:28

I think timeout is really good for children and parents. 1 minute for each year they are old. Somewhere safe and boring. I used bottom stair and had to hold him on at first without looking at him or talking, as he got older he would just go by himself. we didn't have a room that was suitable which I think would have been a much better idea. Just hold the door shut.
I think CP3 is quite right after a while you don't need it. As long as you give 2 warnings first.
Don't use their bedroom as it is too exciting toys etc but also you Do not want their room becoming a room for punishment maybe leading to probs with bedtime etc.

childish · 23/06/2004 19:30

There is a really good book called 123 Magic by Thomas W Phelan - you can get it on Amazon. It uses the time out technique and is fantastic. Good luck

katherine37 · 23/06/2004 19:32

myermay Does he think it is a game?

fisil · 23/06/2004 19:34

Myermay, we use it and ds is only 17 months. I've read Christopher Green and we've both watched Little Angels.

We've used it once each. I used it one evening when nothing was right (I love Green's quote that "toddler's don't know what they want, but they want it now!". DS would reach for his milk (etc.) and when I reached for it he would bat it away. He was having tantrums and doing that wilful squirm that toddlers are so good at. I tried distraction (I was only trying to get him in the bath), I tried cuddles etc. So in the end I picked him up ery calmly but firmly, looked him in the eye and explained that I loved him but he was going to take some time out to calm down. I put him in his bedroom and shut the door. I then waited exactly three mintes. When I went back in he greeted me with open arms and gave me a huge long cuddle and I gave him a huge long cuddle back. And then the bedtime routine went like a dream.

When dp did it, ds was repeatedly doing something he shouldn't (probably climbing on furniture) and ignoring or laughing at "no!". DP did exactly the same, and again it had a wonderful calming effect.

Since then (c. 4 weeks ago) we haven't used it again, but we feel really confident knowing that it is there for us when we need it! If you think your son is able to deal with it, I'd give it a go. Feel free to ask any more questions.

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myermay · 23/06/2004 19:41

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StripyMouse · 23/06/2004 19:48

Another time out fan here - works where everything else fails with my DD1 (3 years). Much better than continued confrontation or trying to reason with a yelling stomping toddler. My MIL was horrified when she learnt I "shut her away on her own to cry.." but I know it works for us both and don?t think it cruel at all.

One thing I believe is really important is what happens immediately after the time out -how you discuss what happened, why they were given time out, what they should/could have done and why they are sorry etc. More important in my book than where the time out happens and for how long - length of time varies with me and I try to take the lead from my DD listening and watching to see her calm down enough for rational talk.

fisil · 23/06/2004 19:48

myermay, it's funny you say about getting angry. Both times we used it we knew we were getting angry, and it was really time out for us as much as him! After 3 minutes I was calm again too! Christopher Green makes a lot about parent behaviour and he is so right (although it can be so difficult when they get really infuriating). So time out helped us too!

Weatherwax · 23/06/2004 19:53

With dd1 she trashed her room when I used it for time out, so I moved to the bottom stair. It worked a treat and I'm trying to use it with dd2. Unfortunately dd2 is resisting although I only got to 2 when I started counting the other day. She knew I meant it!

CP3 · 23/06/2004 19:58

I think like Fisil and stripymouse the time after the time out is just as important. We always have big cuddles and lots of praise after as she is like a different child and im alot calmer

katherine37 · 23/06/2004 20:01

stripymouse, yes I agree it does get extended if they have not calmed down and are still screaming, calling out etc then they say sorry or whatever the reason was for going there. You must not interact with them while they are having timeout even to ask/answer questions

katherine37 · 23/06/2004 20:14

Sorry that sounded really strict of course you give hugs etc. It works because they want your attention and any reaction even a cross one is better than none at all.

My sister just shouted and theatened that they would not have sweets, new toys, pocket money, and the boys didn't take any notice as they knew they would still get whatever,
For a quite life she would give in!

fisil · 23/06/2004 20:24

CP3, I agree. The big hugs serves a function for us too. It is so easy to get really fed up and annoyed and forget that your children are the most wonderful thing in your world. That big cuddle reminded me that however horrible and wingey ds can be, he is so so precious, and he needs me so much, and I need him so much. I suppose it's like rowing with your partner - the making up is always wonderful and you realy apreciate each other!

CP3 · 23/06/2004 20:36

Fisil that is so well put, you are so right. Ive had the most wonderful day with my DD, with only one time out. They are just so rewarding arnt they. And to think a few months ago i was on Mn upset as i thought she hated me as she was so difficult for me to handle with the new baby.

Today i am in love with mn

batey · 24/06/2004 06:43

I've used time out with my 2 since they were about 18ms, they're now 6 and 4. I've always used the bottom step on our stairs as the bedroom is too easy to play in. I've used bottom steps substitutes too if we've been out somewhere. Now it's very rarely mentioned, only when I can't take the bickering anymore! Luckily we have 3 sets of stairs in our house so they get a step each!!

gothicmama · 24/06/2004 13:04

Have been using Time out since dd was 18 mths but no longer than a minute for each ie now she is 3 no more than 3 mins - it does not usually get to that stage now. I put dd in my bedroom as it is safe and gives her time to think - I found it far more traumatic if I put her on the bottom of the stairs and did not really achieve anything

Kayleigh · 24/06/2004 13:12

I have always used time out for ds1 and ds2 as this is what the childminder used and I felt it was good to be consistant. I always use the bottom stair (or similar) as I was told never to send them to their rooms as a punishment as this confuses them with going to their rooms for naps/bedtime. And consequently my two have never had a problem with going for a nap or upto bed - in fact if they are tired they ask to go.

CountessDracula · 24/06/2004 13:16

I used this this morning when dd 21 months slapped the dog in the face (see dog beating thread). I picked her up, marched crossly down the corridor and put her in her cot. Then I frowned and said "mummy is VERY cross, you musn't hurt Ruby" then shut the door and walked out.

After about 2 mins of wailing I went back in and honestly you have never seen a baby looking so tragic, she was really looking at me like I was about to beat her, sort of cringing I picked her up and she was saying "sorry Ruby, sorry Ruby". I put her in bed with her dad and went into the kitchen and cried

I think I need to buy a book on it

gothicmama · 24/06/2004 13:22

CD I always feel that way - but sometime there is no alternative

CountessDracula · 24/06/2004 13:33

but did i do it the right way?

CP3 · 24/06/2004 13:40

Just how i do it CD, you explained to her why, left her the right amount of time and cuddled afterwards. Bet she doesnt even remember it now and hopefully will think before hitting the dog, however it may take a few more time outs. Good Luck and well done, dont feel bad, its a learning curve for them.

CountessDracula · 24/06/2004 13:42

Thanks so much