Middle Child Syndrome...? Help!

[chel86]

Hi, I'm new to the site but would really appreciate any advice!!

My Family consists of my 8 year old DSD, who lives with her mother but comes to ours once a week for dinner and then stays over weekends, then there is my DD who is 6 months and my DS who is 3 years. My DSD also has twin 14 year old sisters, who also come to stay every so often.

My DSD's behaviour is becoming a problem at the moment and I'm st a loss as to what to do! I love her to bits, as if she were one of my own, so I really want to help her.

She is an extremely bright child academically, but she doesn't do her homework and either "loses" it or lies to us that she hasn't any. We have now had to resort to checking her bag every day and speaking with her teacher as well. Her teacher calls at least twice a week to say that she has been really naughty, back chatting teachers, and even bullying now. She had some poor girl up against the wall the other day! At home it's constant lying, back chatting, disrespect etc. One minute she will dish out the attitude of a 14 year old (her sisters) and then the next she will throw a tantrum like a 3 year old (her brother!). So I'm convinced it's middle child syndrome, but don't know how to approach it.

Sorry, rambled on a bit then!

Don't really understand what middle child syndrome is supposed to be. My niece was very gifted but hated school (bored, socially isolated) and has had a similar attitude, though.

It sounds like if I were in your shoes I would crack down and set some firm rules with known and discussed (and acknowledged by her) consequences. E.g. each incident of back chat means 20 minutes less on TV, have to do homework each day or no pocket money at end of week, each lie she says means X later -- or whatever motivates her.

And talk to her about why she's acting up, what is she unhappy about?

Also wondering what does her birth mother or her dad (her dh) do to address this behavior...

I think she just sounds a bit confused, maybe, and maybe trying it on a bit...don't sound like middle child syndrome...what ever that might really be...
Also, maybe she is just pushing the bounderies?

We've tried punishments and she doesn't care. We've tried no TV, no playstation, cancelling outings she really wants to go on, time out. She doesn't care. At school she's been given god knows how many detentions, but her attitude is that if she's in detention then she's punishing the teacher as well because she has to spend her spare time in detention as well. And she also doesn't have to go out in the cold!

DSD mother takes the same approach as me and has privileges taken away etc. Same as her father. So we've made sure that she is treated the same by all. I've tried talking to her but she won't talk, so I'm not even sure if she knows why she's doing it herself.

She doesn't get pocket money and I'm wondering if I introduce it as an incentive for good behaviour it would work. Any bad behaviour and she doesn't get it that week?

Chel, she sounds rather an angry child to me. She does sound a bit lost. It must be tricky for her the way the family is and she probably has all sorts of confused emotions. To me her acting like this shows that she has real low self esteem issues. How long has she been your dsd? Do you think it is possible that she she doesn't feel she belongs properly to either household?

Seeing that the negative route doesn't seem to achieve anyhting...maybe go down teh otehr way...i.e. ignore the bad behaviour, spend as muhc time with her as possible, make a fuss and what not,but if she doesn't behave well,just take the fuss away...maybe it's a matter of punichment is better attention then non...not saying you don't give her attention or enough of it....not implying that...but well, Kids can see things quite differently to us, iykwim.
Not sure if that made sense at all, sorry!