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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4yr old son driving me nuts.. help!!!!

24 replies

mumof5boys · 24/02/2007 17:20

My Son is a nightmare, I dread having to leave the house his behavior is terrible. He runs around, will not listen to anything I say. He runs across roads etc.. It is even becoming embarrassing to have friends around to visit because of the way he behaves, it is really embarrassing.. i have tried star charts, lots of praise etc.. but he's driving me mad and I dont know what else to try.. any ideas gratefully received.
& yes I really do have 5 boys ...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nearlyfourbob · 24/02/2007 17:26

And where in the order of your 5 boys is road runner?

Original poster

mumof5boys · 24/02/2007 17:27

He is the youngest, if he was my first he would have been an only child!!!

OP posts:

nearlyfourbob · 24/02/2007 17:40

Okay if you have raised 4 other boys that haven't driven you to drink then you obviously know more than I do.

Have you ruled out hearing problems, medical conditions etc.

Is it just you, or does he not listen to anyone?

tigi · 24/02/2007 17:43

my middle one is like this, but I find he is much better if we are on our own,without his brothers,such as just us on a walk. I'd never take him to shops though - he just rolls around on the floor making noises and shouting!

NAB3 · 24/02/2007 17:45

Maybe an attention thing if he is the youngest of 5? Could you try ignoring the naughty behaviour, unless it is dangerous, and stay calm and consistent with your discipline. Be like a broken record when telling him not to do something,etc.

Original poster

mumof5boys · 24/02/2007 17:45

He doesn't listen to anyone...he is out of control when we are out or in. He is quite aggressive towards his brothers and is very strong willed. With the others we have always been able to talk them round but he is a nightmare. He throws things around, takes things and hides them, he hits anyone and everyone including complete strangers. I just dont know what to do, I can feel myself loosing my temper so quickly and seem to spend the whole time telling him off I spent far to long trying to ignore him, it just made him more angry and violent. arrrggghhh kids
p.s I am starting to drink alot more

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NAB3 · 24/02/2007 17:47

X post there so mine didn't help then. My son is 5 and I just try not to shout. It makes him shout back. I stay clam and consistent and talk to myself telling myself I can do this and I am in charge. It isn't easy but I remind myself of when it has worked and it does help.

Original poster

mumof5boys · 24/02/2007 17:50

the thing is he gets more attention than the others already, I have tried the time out step etc..for weeks but everything I try fails I feel like I have somehow failed him.

OP posts:

NAB3 · 24/02/2007 17:52

You haven't failed him!! If he had come with an instruction book but you didn't bother to read it, then yes maybe. He is a different child to your others and is testing the bounderies. It is boring and repetative but it is true that children respond to consistency and structure and you just have to keep repeating yourself. Have confidence in yourself too. My kids definitely know when I am not sure if I am doing/saying the right thing and they play on it.

Original poster

mumof5boys · 24/02/2007 17:52

I spend most days in tears, its constant with him. There seems to be no let up what so ever. He is such hard work, by the 5th you'd think I would know what to do, but I havent had this with the others

OP posts:

NAB3 · 24/02/2007 17:53

2 seconds cross again!!!

sunnysideup · 24/02/2007 18:17

Does he attend pre-school or school? what's his behaviour like there?

Have you ruled out ADHD - is it worth getting him checked ?

Some of it could be of course that he is the youngest of five and he is really, really having to fight for his position in the family, for enough attention, for the toys he wants, for time alone....lots of things might feel like a real fight to him because of his position in the family.......#i'm guessing here, am mum of one!! but this sounds like it is common sense really.

If there is no 'medical' side to this behaviour then I think you just need to deal with his behaviours in a very clear and consistent and no-nonsense way, for example running across roads - don't give him the chance. Unless he can hold your hand sensibly, he has reins on....time out step I think is a waste of time, just asking for it to become a game - if he is really being impossible or has hit someone or something serious, I think 4 minutes alone in his room is far better; genuine time out for everyone to calm down, not as a 'punishment'.

You might need to accept that you're both in a downward spiral at the moment, your negative reactions (while completely understandable) may just be worsening the situation as he is more negative in response. Always make sure that you move on from things, don't stew on them or bring them up after the event, forget about past behaviour and concentrate on the here and now.

What do you think, have you had him assessed for anything or is this just extra challenging behaviour?

Original poster

mumof5boys · 24/02/2007 18:49

Hi,
he attends school he is a little bosterous (sp?) and cant keep still for 2 seconds!!
We thought about adhd but isn't he a little young to be checked?
I dont like time out in his bedroom because of past experience with it made my eldest son dislike his bedroom so much it then became a problem to get him to bed..
My eldest son has ADHD and although very difficult it never seemed to be soo constant. I agree it could be an attention thing although he does get most of my attention, I thought it might be because he has started school fulltime and doesn't get attention there so when he comes home all hell breaks loose..??
He has gone from a shy quiet little boy into a mum eating monster!!

OP posts:

brimfull · 24/02/2007 19:12

Could it may be a diet thing? HAve you tied cutting out all additives and colourings and adding some fish oils to his diet?
May be worth trying,you've nothing to lose.

megancat · 24/02/2007 19:34

Poor you. I have a very lively strong willed almost 4 year old who brings me to tears some days though this is usually due to my feeling v guilty that I have become too cross and angry and then not dealt with his demanding behaviour well. If yours has changed so drastically I would probably have a chat with my GP if they are a decent sort of person. Also give yourtself a break, anyone trying to cope with 5 boys deserves a medal! Is DH on the scene? How does he cope?

Glassofwine · 24/02/2007 19:41

I have a 4 year old ds - the youngest of three (the other two are dd's). Recently I noticed his behaviour was getting v bad, nursery noticed too, they were very helpfull suggested that perhaps he's a bit bored as he's one of the older ones etc. Then I remembered that I'd run out of the fish oils I'd been giving him and the dd's about two or three weeks before. I rushed off to buy more and within three days he was back to normal.

My ds is a typical boy, full of beans - will push the boundaries as much as he can etc. but he went from doing what he was told on maybe the second telling to not listening at all. Try the fish oils - they are expensive, but it's been soooooo worth it.

megancat · 24/02/2007 19:44

Can you tell me about the fish oils - which ones and how do you give it - spoonfull? Does he take it ok? Mine is a really fussy eater. Does it taste nice?

luckylady74 · 24/02/2007 19:58

chemists stock fish oil sweets - my ds1 has eyeq and loves it despite being asd and food resticting.
i don't think 5 is too young to have an explorative chat with the paed that a gp would refer you to, but i think everyone else has made very valid points about possible causes.

ChipButty · 24/02/2007 20:03

Mumof5 - you have done well bringing up your other 4. Stop beating yourself up! I think you need a break. Do you get any time for yourself? I am a Mum of 2 ( a breeze compared to your life, I'm sure!) but when I'm knackered I just lose perspective and have also hit the bottle at times. Try and get some time to yourself if you can. Being calm and consistent does work but you have to have the energy to be calm. Stick at it.x

foxybrown · 24/02/2007 20:19

There's a brand of milk which has fish oils added. Don't know its name, but Sainsburys stock it I think.

Glassofwine · 25/02/2007 08:43

Mumof5 - chipbutty is right, I'm lucky enough to have a Mum who often takes one or even all three children for a couple of days regularly. I am such a nice Mum when they get back and realise just how wound up I was. Breaks are important.

With regard to the fish oils, I give my ds and dd2 the eyeQ smooth, which they love mostly because they can't take the capsules. DD1 7 hates the smooth and takes the capsules. I noticed that they've started doing chewies now. I suspect that I could get cheaper ones, but am sticking to the if it aint broke don't fix it theory of child rearing. I does take a good few weeks to see any difference. Also I'm not sure that I did notice a difference as it sort of creeps up on you, but wow it was very noticable when he haddn't been taking them.

Original poster

mumof5boys · 25/02/2007 14:56

Hi Thanxs for all the responses. My mum has the boys now and then but never all 5!! I do get some time on my own when they are at school, but i have been going to college to which unbelievably involves a lot of theory course work!! I dont seem to have time to even enjoy a soak in the bath, 5 second shower seems to be my lot!! I love my boys to bits my husband is around we got together when I was 14yrs old and have been together ever since, he does help me a lot. Hopefully its just a mad phase that will end sooner rather than later

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Posey · 25/02/2007 20:55

No real advice, just a lot of sympathy. You sound like you're doing fine, just need a bit of help and a break maybe.
Another little suggestion. When I had dd I never really took much notice of additives, colourongs etc as nothing seemed to have any adverse effect on her good behaviour.
Ds on the other hand is different. I recently bought the squash with sugar, whereas I'd routinely bought the No Added Sugar variety (habit I think). Anyway after a few days dh and I both commented on dh's improved behaviour. He's also sleeping better, and eating better. Not sure what is relavent or connected: is his behaviour better because of no artificial sweetners, or because of better sleep or better sleep because no artificial sweeteners...?
Anyway I'm probably talking rubbish and telling you stuff you do routinely but if not, maybe worth a shot!
Good luck.

Raggydoll · 25/02/2007 21:02

just a thought - maybe you could do something just the two of you - like swimming or even just going to the library and taking books out. I think ds's do need their mummy's and this would be a great way to be reassure both you and him that his mumis their for him.

I also advocate diet and fish oils - good luck.

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