2yr old DD becoming more & more violent as new baby imminent!

[Picklingaround79]

Would really welcome some advice on this, as DH and I are both nearing wits end, and v worried about what will happen when number 2 arrives in Feb!

DD is 24 months and began hitting and shoving other kids around 6 months ago. We have been consistent with 'time out', leaving her alone in her cot for 3 minutes if at home, or if out, taking her away and explaining calmly but sternly what she has done wrong, then if she repeats - removing her altogether. We always try to explain why we are doing what we are doing, without giving her the attention we think she wants (that seems to be driving the behaviour - as if we so much as raise our voices we've noticed she looks visibly thrilled).

I've seen other posts suggesting to ignore the hitting child, and give attention to the victim, but this is impossible in our case as I really do need to physically remove her to stop her in most cases, and she is very fast (and I'm very pregnant!)

Recently her behaviour has escalated, and as she's gone up a room at nursery and is new, slightly older kids, the nursery staff say she's been acting up there too with snatching and hitting.

It could be the approaching birth of her brother that's driving this, or nursery, or ????? We have kind of almost given up analysing reasons as we are both so exhausted by managing her constantly around other kids. She also occasionally lashes out at us, which is horrible too.

I would really appreciate advice on two fronts from those who've been there:

1. can you tell me what worked and didn't work for you? Also, how long did the 'phase' last for? Are we stuck with this till she's three??!!!! 😣

2. I'm getting more and more worried about possible violent behaviour towards the new baby when he arrives. Can you give me your experiences with managing this?

Thanking you!!!

Oh dear, so sorry you're having to deal with this but congratulations on your pregnancy!

Unfortunately I don't have much advice as my DD is only 15 months, but am very interested in responses as we're trying for number two soon so DD will be a similar age and I'm worried about this too.

I have read one mum with a similar age gap saying she got her DD a dolly to look after and focused her attention on praising her being do grown up and responsible, not a complete fix but might help you get some peace sometimes, and help when baby is here?

Hope someone who's already ready with this comes along soon :)

My DD also started hitting us and other kids about 18 months. She was fine at nursery for ages but then it escalated there too. We did the same as you are doing - zero tolerance, no reaction other than timeout. As her language improved around 24 months she started to get better but even now at 2.5 when she's tired/ill I have to follow her like a hawk when around other kids. I really wish I could be the Mum who sits in the corner drinking tea but I just can't.

That said, she is so much better than she was - before she'd push and hit any kid within reach. Now it's very rare for her to try and do it. We noticed about 2 and 3 months at a kids party that she had been playing nicely with the other kids for two hours - to the point where we'd forgotten how much she used to be a nightmare!

I suspect it's just a stage that has coincided with an imminent baby - rubbish timing but hopefully she'll be over the worst soon.

Timefor2 - Thanks so much for this - I guess it's just shocking is a bit how long a so-called "phase" can actually last! I hope as her communication skills improve the hurting will start to ease off... its exhausting isn't it being a 'hawk' parent? I can never seem to chat to other mums etc in social or play environments, and often think they're watching me and thinking "oh my god no wonder her daughter is so chaotic when her mum is a helicopter parent!" We've just returned from her weekly singing group where DD managed to biff a little boy over the head with a bloomin percussion stick and smack two girls making both cry! I expect (HOPE) that not having a massive baby in my tum shortly will help me run around after her with a bit more energy, but at the moment it's really bloody tough.

Thanks for your experience anyway - good to hear your daughter is improving a lot now!

Hitting not hurting... silly spell check

It's a nightmare isn't it! I must admit I actively avoided toddler groups until she was over the worst of it. I promise it won't last forever - just feels like it sometimes

I found with DS1 the more difficult he got the more cross and negative I became and his behaviour would deteriorate further. I would then try really really hard to be much more positive - lots more positive attention. Lots of specific and clear praise. Lots of cuddles, stories, play, etc. Your DD might be sensing that things are changing and that you are 'not the same' (ie pregnant!) She is only 2yrs old so her understanding of consequences, remembering punishments, being able to control herself etc is still very very limited. She is desperate to be in control but also desperate for routine and consistency. I read a book my Dr Tanya Byron about what you can expect at different ages and it was fascinating, I think it was called Little Angels or something, it did help me understand DS1 better and what I could realistically expect of him. We struggled to get DS1 to have the right amount of sleep at the right time and this certainly did not help until he really did not need any sleep in the day.

I have to say the second most difficult time as a parent was when DS2 was born and I certainly did not get it right but now looking back I wish I had been much much more patient and understanding with DS1 (although as I was sleep deprived this is unlikely!) I was a much better parent when I had DS3 as a baby and DS2 as a toddler though so maybe I did learn!