Need help with my 4yo

[Mol1628]

He's just turned 4 last week.

His behaviour is awful and just not how I have brought him up at all.

He answers back, shouts no at me. Screams when he doesn't get his own way, I mean high pitched full on screams, refuses to do anything I ask. Even something like putting his own shoes on is a TWENTY FUCKING MINUTE screaming fit every day.

I've tried getting cross. I've tried completely ignoring him, I've tried time out, I've tried talking nicely. NOTHING works. He can be a really really horrible child.

Problem is when we are out, he's fine usually, very polite, intelligent, nursery have no concerns at all socially or educationally. He's fine.

Just at home he'd absolutely horrendous. He's always been a high maintenance child, never wanted to sleep, always had tantrums from really early on, he had to be forced into Prams and car seats from 6 months old screaming. He's just always been bloody defiant.

I don't know what I've done wrong.

I will always sit/kneel to look DS in the eyes and remind him that I don't snatch from him, hit him or do things that I know will upset him; these are our rules so that everyone can be happy. DS is really good at understanding rules and why they are there. He's always asking the speed limit and checking the traffic lights etc. I think the whole pushing boundaries thing is his way of understanding rules. When he finds a rule that changes, he will keep pushing until he understands what is expected of him. This is why I'm firm with the important rules but generally relaxed with things that really don't matter. If he wants to wear his pjs backwards, fine. But the rule is he puts them on himself.

I also give him a last warning in my 'nice' voice and am explicit - "this is the last time I will ask you to do x in this voice. If i have to ask again, I will use my telling off voice, and punishment. Perhaps no chocolate today?"

I stick to the same telling off mode as well. I will count down from 5 to 0 and if you haven't started x then there will be no chocolate today. 5, 4... and so on. The only problems I've had with this method is DH allowing him to get to 0 then giving another chance or saying he can win back the chocolate (or whatever he lost). This blurred the line again and he rebelled big time. DH is firm with it now and DS behaves so much better.

It really is hard when all you feel like you do is shout and it doesn't even work. I really hope you start to get some improvements

If he's fine at nursery but not at home - then try and look at how nursery keep order and implement that at home, worked really well for me.

My 4yo goes through phases like this, usually when very tired at end of term or during/after a bug. Holds it together when at nursery or out (mostly) and then is vile and tantrummy at home. We concentrate on trying to keep our patiences, easier said than done, and getting her to sleep as much as possible (we use a buggy to get her nap if nec). Usually the phase passes in a week or two and she is lovely ... until the next time she gets ill or very tired.

In our case DD is better at nursery largely because nursery is in the morning, and also because of the peer pressure effect. (eg all the others are tidying up so she tidies too). Neither of which we can recreate at home in the afternoon unfortunately!

I'm so glad to read this and see hat I'm not alone! Our son is 4 in a few weeks and has never had tantrums as a younger child but has just started and they're awful. As op said I struggle with being shouty and I know it only makes things worse.
I know with my son its tiredness really, and if I try really hard at being positive all the time his behaviour is loads better.