Worried about my Niece

[cerealnamechangers]

My Niece has just turned four and I am worried about her behaviour and development, i am not planning on saying anything to her Dm as i am hoping that her nursery teacher will spot if there is something going on and obviously it is better to hear it from a professional than a family member as i don't think it is really my place to say. Her Dm doesn't have any concerns herself as far as i am aware, i look after her overnight regularly. I am just posting to ask if my concerns are valid or if these things are normal for her age range and how i can help to support her development i suppose.

These are my concerns;
Appears to walk on her tiptoes a lot of the time.
Does not have sufficient co-ordination to pedal a trike or bicycle.
Is not yet able to count to 10.
Still needs assisting to the toilet to pull trousers up and down and to lift onto toilet seat.
Is not yet able to write her own name, screams when asked to use a pen by family or nursery.
Screams when asked to have a bath or wash.
Will not walk on grass or sand, she gets very upset.
Hates having her hair brushed.
Does not interact well or play with other children, she shouts 'i don't like him' or 'get him away from me' when my 13 month old approaches her. However she does interacts better with adults.
Panics when the curtains are drawn.
Pulls food apart into tiny pieces or squeezes/ squishes it in her hands.
My niece does not cope well with change, for example when she has a sleepover at her grandparents or my house she will ask to sleep on the landing at the top of the stairs rather than sleep in a strange bedroom other than her own.
Likes to keep the same shoes/ clothes. Often refuses to wear new shoes even though the old ones hold no sentimental value e.g have a favourite character on.
Didn't walk until around 17 months, although i do know that this is within the normal range.
Was an exceptionally good, quiet baby, slept through the night almost from birth and rarely ever cried. Never went through a stage of separation anxiety.

Some of what you list is very normal for a 4 year old. For instance, my younger DD did the following

Couldn't count to ten
Couldn't write her name
didn't like dirty hands or sandy areas
couldn't ride a bike
couldn't scoot
screamed at hair brushing
ate fussily

and others....you seem to be getting at your niece having some sort of spectrum disorder but the fact is that there's nobody who can judge that or check it out other than your niece's Mum and Dad.

If the school do say anything then steps will be taken to check this out. Until then you can only be supportive and not scrutinise your niece.

My DD is now 8 and can do all the things she's meant to do and has gotten over her dislike of cycles and muck.

Thanks for replying user, that is very reassuring about your dd, my niece really seems to be struggling at the moment, bless her.

I would be slightly worried really. But I won't mention why as I'll sound neurotic. I would try to support her confidence first and foremost.

Yes that would concern me (not everything on your list but a lot of it). I can see why you don't want to be the one to bring concerns up but what will you do if the nursery don't say anything?

I forgot to say she also has a habit of licking her fingers when over excited etc.
Barbarian, do you think i would be right to gently bring the subject up with my sister? She hasn't settled well at nursery, refuses to go and cries every morning. It concerns me that she will be attending full time school in almost nine months and that she will not cope, although i do know children change quickly at this age. If there is something going on then i assume it would be better for it to be picked up before starting school so the necessary support could be put in place?

I am sitting here trying to think honestly about what I'd do. I think I would have a gentle, exploratory conversation which would (hopefully) leave the door open for my sister to voice her own concerns (I'd she had any) and/or come back to me at a later date if she had concerns then. I would highlight the self care and sensory stuff now I think and either ask for or suggest strategies to help. I wouldn't worry about the counting, writing ex as that is totally within the bounds of normal for that she (actually everything you mention could easily be found in a nt child, it's the cluster of sensory/social stuff that would make me wonder if there is anything more).

I have a 4yo, just started school and he has a few of the traits you mention and I'm not worried about him at all. But still I think I'd be a little concerned about your niece. If you have a good relationship with your sister I'd gently bring it up with her, perhaps ask whether she thinks DN will settle into school ok. What's her favourite thing to do at nursery etc. Gentle open questions.

I think it's fine for quite a few of them not to have been met at this stage but, that's quite a long list and some of them would worry me.
So, a non judgemental chat would prob be what I'd do.

It's a tough one. Even as a parent of a child with ASD I would probably never approach someone and suggest I had concerns about their child. In all likelihood if there are problems they will be flagged at nursery. I would imagine her DM already has concerns of her own but either isn't ready to face them or doesn't want to discuss it with family.

I did not discuss my concerns about DS with family at all but I started the process of diagnosis when he was two. So on the outside it may have looked like I wasn't aware, I was I just wasn't talking to anyone about it.

She sounds exactly like my neice!
Dm worried so much she brought it up with sister & bil & it didn't go well, they got very defensive & upset & said she was just quirky. Shes year 1 now & theyve been told shes a year behind her peers. School picked up she needed glasses & grommits last year & they say she wanders around a lot of the time instead of concentrating.
I don't know what to suggest, maybe best to leave it to school to pick up