Two year old son is a nightmare with food

[cobaltblue27]

Hi,
My two year old son still barely feeds himself and has a very limited list of things he will actually eat. Breakfast is always easier, (maybe partly because breakfast seems to be more repetitive for most of us?) with porridge/Weetabix/toast and butter/fruit/water/yoghurt all going down fine. So we know he CAN feed himself. But then lunch and supper? ARGHHHHHHH. About one day out of seven, he will actually eat a decent amount with a spoon by himself, but the other days? Food/spoon/cup all gets thrown on the floor and he will barely eat anything unless it is spooned into him, usually with someone singing to him/him being distracted with a toy. His behaviour has become so isolating as we can never meet anyone for a meal time as he is such a nightmare (we have had one friend over to lunch since he was born, and NEVER AGAIN. I can't even stay with my sister or family as meal times have become such a nightmare and I feel such a failure and I'm so embarrassed). He doesn't have a lot of snacks. I have tried taking food away and just giving up, but I can't do this for days on end as he is already a skinny boy (although extremely tall for his age - always has been) and also a bad sleeper (possibly related). I am due with my second baby on Tuesday (c-section) and I am wondering how on earth I am going to cope. I dread mealtimes.

Some context: I had terrible postnatal depression, partly as a result of suffering from two undiagnosed autoimmune diseases which have destroyed my thyroid and adrenal glands - finally worked this out after I ended up in a coma in intensive care when DS was 11 months, which suggests what a bad state I was in before I get any judgemental replies for what follows. I started to get ill when DS was 3 months. I started trying to wean him at 5 months and by 8 months he still wasn't eating anything at all and I just broke down every time I tried. We also had a complete nightmare getting him from breast to bottle - he was entirely breastfed with nothing else because he refused to eat/take a bottle until he was 8 months. Because of this background, we had a nanny. She managed to shovel food into him with a spoon using a LOT of distraction. However, despite me insisting that we needed to get him to feed himself more, it wasn't until he was about 20 months that she finally took me seriously. However, by then it was too late. Also, because he has been so used to eating mashed up textures, he can recognise only a few separate foods, as everything he eats tends to be massed together - e.g. cottage pie, fish pie, lasagne etc. Something discrete like a fish finger for example would be rejected outright - he doesn't know what chicken is for example, or broccoli etc. However, he does recognise and eat on his own (and likes), bread, cheese and any kind of fruit. He likes mashed potato too.

Progress made? Since I had my final showdown with the nanny, she is not persisting in feeding him when he refuses - but I still have to supervise this as she finds it harder to let him starve when he hasn't eaten anything. It's easier for me to supervise this now that I am on maternity leave. I have also worked out that her cooking is awful. She does this awful chicken/squash/tomato stew thing which is so gross - I don't blame my son for not eating it, but i wonder whether he has been permanently damaged with regard to his relationship with food - he really does not enjoy meal times at all. He has improved since I told her to start giving him more ready meals - like the Hipp organics toddler meals, Annabel Karmel etc. We have also made great progress in getting him to eat less mashed up stuff - as in grown up pasta shapes etc. And, we do get that 1 day out of 7 when he is amazing and will eat. So I KNOW he can do it. He just doesn't. Having been a really happy and agreeable chap we are also now into the tantrum stage: crying when he doesn't get his own way, lying on the floor etc. (Parenting is so much fun isn't it?).

His language is improving all the time, but I can't talk or reason with him yet as his language just isn't there. Has anyone been here? I don't have any other friends who are mothers - and in fact deliberately avoid them as I know I am so useless and don't want to be judged - but I am now at the end of my tether. I know the whole nanny situation sounds like a disaster - it is. It has just been such a tricky year managing pregnancy, nightmare job, and getting to grips with having two lifelong illnesses, that I haven't managed to sort this yet. We will get some different help but I don't want to make any drastic changes before his younger brother turns up. Needless to say, with DS2, I will not even touch a spoon when weaning. BLW all the way.

Constructive replies much appreciated!

There's a lot of stress for you surrounding your son and food OP. Linked I'm sure to your PND and illness. It's not your fault AND it's not uncommon...loads of toddlers are tricky about food and it's nothing to do with what their parents or nanny did.

I would suggest stepping right back from it all and starting afresh.

No child will starve themselves unless they're suffering from a genuine illness. Since your son is healthy, he will eat eventually...even if it's just bits and bobs at first and supplemented with milk.

What I would think might help is to begin serving him the same as the rest of you are having, not commenting and certainly not encouraging him to eat.

Let him play with it if he wants, let him ignore it....let him yell. If he yells too much, put him down from his chair.

He should be eating WITH the Nanny...as she eats. And in the evenings and at breakfast he should be eating with you and his Dad.

Serve him his food, same as yours...obviously less of it though. Then continue to talk as you usually would over a meal.

Outside meal times, encourage him to discover food in settings where things are different...picking apples and eating them if he wants...or other fruits and veg when they come into season.

Let him help make a pizza by setting dishes with toppings int hem and having him choose what to put on. Then cook it...let him see it go into the oven...then serve it.

It's a tricky area for many OP...don't blame yourself though.

I agree. Take the pressure of him and you. Eat together and make no comment about what he does or doesn't eat. Focus on making meal times enjoyable for him and I think he will start to eat better as it doesn't sound as if he is especially sensitive to tastes and textures, more just that you've become trapped in a negative cycle.

Agree with the previous posters. You need to de-stress this situation for all of you.

I'd go right back to basics again, serve him what you're eating, when you're eating. Let him explore food again - you want to do BLW with your next child, so apply the same principles to this one. It's important for children to play with food, and user above has made some really good suggestions.

Don't comment/cajole/spoon feed. Just let him get on with it and clear his plate with all the others when the meal is finished.

Thanks for replies. I have breakfast with him and we try to eat lunch but he honestly cannot eat what we eat. He would starve. I have to make him something different otherwise he won't stand a chance of eating anything at all. The nanny is a problem. But I can't manage on my own at the moment and am not in a position to make a change. And meal times ARE stressful. I have spent 18 months dreading every mealtime. I literally have had times when I feel he has ruined my life as it is so isolating and it is having an effect on my marriage. We are having a horrendous day at the moment where everything is being thrown on the floor. Even buttered toast. Which he likes. Every time he does it I am taking it away and then leaving him for three minutes each time before trying to give It back. He has eaten nothing since breakfast.

I think the less fuss the better. If he throws it away then just leave it. You might ( will ) have a nightmare few days but as previous poster said - he will not starve... I'd also recommend getting him to help make food. Chopping and stirring and letting him taste as you go. You are carrying a lot of stress and guilt and you have to let that go. He'll sense tension around food. Just make easy things as if weaning.. finger sandwiches, dips and veg crudités, lots of colour, patterns, smiley faces out of food and prepare for lots of waste. He'll eat how much he needs... currently my 4 year old lives of dry crackers and yoghurt but he is growing, healthy and I know he'll come out of it. Just relax and have fun with food. Let him smear textures and lick bowls..you do it too. Take the stress and pressure right off. Good luck and try not to worry

You're getting some excellent advice and have been given some brilliant, practical ideas to employ.

This isn't going to be resolved in one meal time - you are going to have to be patient.

Even if you are insistent he can't eat what you eat, he can still eat WITH you and experience a normal meal time dynamic.

Could you explain more why you are finding this so isolating?

He will not starve, really, he won't.

You sound very stressed. I don't want to stress you further but can I gently suggest that some of the issues are not as important as you are making them out to be?

Why is it important he feeds himself? He is clearly stressed himself over food and if he needs the reassurance of being fed, what is wrong with that? I'll put my hand up and say my DD wanted to be fed until about 3.5yo. I indulged her and she grew out of it in her own time. My DS insisted from very very young on feeding himself always with cutlery and that was a bigger mess and hassle! They have their little preferences, sometimes it's better to go with the flow.

As for food why not offer options? Show him what he tends to like and something new you are all eating and see what he picks. Unless you suspect he has some kind of physical problem preventing him from eating some kinds of food, again I would go with what he wants to eat. My DD was terribly fussy at that age, but eats everything now at 5yo. Sometimes it's just a phase.

Have you sought any professional help?

Could you consider finding a new nanny or using a daycare? As you don't seem happy in general with your current nanny.
I think all babies go through a period of fussy eating but you need to really set the boundaries for them and if they have settled in a pattern where refusing food gets them attention for example, it will be painful to break that pattern but you'll need to persevere. Give him food you know he likes and say enjoy your meal, don't force him to eat it, if he's not finished by 20 minutes remove the food and give the same again at lunch. Same thing at dinner. Don't make a bug deal of eat, do it breezely and say okay no problem if you're not hungry it'll be here for lunch/dinner/breakfast. If he cries, it will be hard, but ignore him. You know he likes that food. You know he eats it pureed. That's his only option. He has to know if he doesn't eat what he is given he won't get anything else. He will realise quickly if you repeat your pattern that he will be hungry if he doesn't eat at meal times. Don't give him any snacks at all if he won't eat his meals

It's not cruel, it is essential to his well being. A child begs for guidelines and boundaries and you can set those in a gentle but firm way. There is Dutch book called Children with Sleep Disorders and that suggests all sleep issues start during the day. A child needs to know that what's wrong today is also wrong tomorrow so don't decide tomorrow he can jump on the couch but today it's banned. Pick one thing and stick to it. Same with food. One meal, this is it. Don't eat your meal no snacks. If you give in one day he will cry even longer and louder the next time, refuse to eat more and for longer the next time as he knows eventually someone will crack

I agree with pp, perhaps putting him into nursary one day a week would be a huge benefit to him.
My ds2 used to be terrible picky, but put him into nursary when dd was born. Sitting down with other children was a great help, he began to try different things because everyone else was.

As for eating with you, or at least the nanny, at meal times, it is really important that you sit down together. Even if you're eating different things.

DS1 couldn't figure out feeding himself - he'd pick up the spoon and fork, but he was just a bit unco-ordinated, and the disappointment on his face at breakfast when yet another spoon of porridge failed to make it into his mouth meant that we fed him for a long time.

He also had phases, where he would only eat some things - a cheese (his first word) phase, or a porridge and honey phase, etc - there was a month when he only had icecream for breakfast (before you judge, read the side of a box of cereal! - and the sense of achievement that he could feed it to himself was worth it alone).

He also was late to talk (not exactly delayed - but definitely the far side of normal)

I never forced him to eat anything, preferring to get something in his tummy, although I didn't bend over backwards either - I tried to strike a balance.

Now he's 6, and he still has some firm lines about what he will and will not eat (no fizzy, milk and water only, food must be recognisable, nothing acidic like yoghurt) - but eats a wide variety, loves veg - had steak tartare the other day, loves sushi etc. - he will try anything and give you an honest opinion on whether he likes it. He has been diagnosed with some issues which indicate (although too early to diagnose) dyspraxia - which gel with what I was seeing, and what's in the family. It became clear that he was a bit different when his younger brother came along.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't worry too much, just work with him, appreciate what he can and can't do (I've never even bothered trying to teach DS1 to tie shoelaces for example - I know there's just no point), and take it easy on the food as long as he's giving things a go.

I will say that DS1 is way easier to deal with now that I'm comparing to 3 year old DS2 - DS1 was always a lot more... compliant? Reasonable? Unfussed? I don't know the right word, but his character, because he does find so many things a bit harder work than others just seems to be a lot easier to deal with than super-stubborn DS2

Representing the same meal to a child that is refusing to eat it again and again sounds like awful advice to me. Frankly I'd feel sorry for any child treated this way and would worry they'd develop lifelong issues with food.

It's really normal for some babies not to bother with food till 10 months. Non of mine did.

Secondly when he throws food about, he's not hungry. Let him down. Stop trying to force him to eat. He needs to listen to his bodies needs

What percentiles is he on? You say he's skinny but really that is much much healthier then fat

Stop feeding any snacks at all. Give him lunch or tea early if he can't last.

You should only present the meal to him a second time if he's actually hungry. Which he won't be if it's only 3 minutes since you last offered it!!just wait an hour or an hour and a half.

My 2y2m old only sometimes uses a spoon and fork. Mostly she uses her hands to eat. It's really not a big deal your ds doesn't spoon feed himself.

If eating the same things isn't something you would consider I would serve up child's meal on a plate alongside some of what you are eating. Leave in front of child while you eat, not stressing about it. Then offer to spoonfeed (while all still sat around the table) when ypu have finished, until refused.

Try not to worry. I used to read a book to dd1 and shovel food in when she was that age. She grew out of that and is now fine. I think you would all be happier if you fed him while he wants you to do that. I did used to stress about the fact she didn't like to feed herself and now I wish I hadn't as they get there in their own time. Although no harm in gentle encouragement. Try to take small steps towards getting together with other mums. They will no doubt have lots of stories to share about their own disasters. I couldn't have got through the first few years without that. And if they judge... find new friends. Good luck!

I could have written a very similar post OP. A few things I try to do:

-no snacks between meals
-waiting until he asks or shows signs of being hungry before offering him his meal
-allowing him to feed himself at first whilst we eat our food (and therefore ignoring him a bit so as not to create a stressful atmosphere ) and then spoon-feeding him when we've finished to try and get a bit more into him.
-always offering fruit as usual after a meal, even if the meal hasn't been eaten (as he will always eat fruit so I feel like he has at least eaten something healthy and fruit isn't used as some kind of punishment).
-if he's had a bad day with food, I'll offer him something plain that I know he will eat (like toast) before bed as it makes me feel less worried!

But it's bloody hard and soul destroying. Ds is also tall and slim and needs a lot of cajoling to eat a decent meal. He seems to eat just enough to take the edge off his hunger and then he's not interested but he's been like this ever since he was breastfed! His short attention span doesn't help and he has a terrible sweet tooth so is always on the lookout for a biscuit wherever we are. Meals out are genrally fraught.

I'm always trying to remind myself that he won't starve and that forcing him to eat is more likely to ruin his relationship with food. I feel he needs to be able to have control (within reason) over what and how much he eats to feel positive about eating and food.

Why can't he eat what you eat? As long as you're not eating crushed glass seasoned with bleach, of course he can.

If you have very spicy foods every day then just stop making them as spicy for a while. A little spice is fine though. Both of mine have eaten curries and sushi from about 18 months.

He WILL eat OP....if you give him a chance.

And don't repeatedly return food to him. If he throws it, then take it away. If he doesn't eat ANY of a meal, then offer a small snack an hour later. If he refuses that...fine! He will probably eat some of the next meal.

If he goes an entire day without eating it's fine as long as he drinks.

One of mine went an entire week on milk and a few cucumber slices once...and she was almost 4....she's 8 now and the tallest in her class.

OP you do sound as though you might need more support than you've currently got.