3 yo DD behaviour affecting family

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I don't really know where to post this - behaviour, relationships, sleep? We seem to have problems with everything at the moment!

Everything, literally everything is a battle with my 3 yo DD at the moment. In a typical morning, she tantrums when it's time to get dressed, time to eat her breakfast, time to brush her teeth, time to get in the car. She's at nursery (where she's an angel apparently) everyday, then comes home & the battles start again.

We've had a tough time of it recently (4 mo DD born 9 weeks prem with a 6 week stay in special care). I get this is a reaction to all of the changes, I really do, but I can't go on like this much longer. Ironically DD has accepted the baby so well - she loves being a big sister.

I guess the bigger problem is that DH & I are not united. He thinks I pander to her. I think he expects too much & is too quick to lose his temper with her. But my attitude is that she's going through a huge adjustment & needs as much attention as we can give her. And she's 3, & bloody good at being 3!! I really hate shouting & conflict so we've fallen into a pattern of DD tantrumming, DH shouting, me stepping in to calm her down, then me & DH arguing over my "lack of support". All culminated last night, when I ended up sitting with her for 3 hrs in the night as she couldn't sleep, DH wanted to leave her to shout/cry & I refused. Finally got her to sleep, DD2 needed a feed (am bf'ing) then it was morning and the battles started again!

Sorry this is long & a bit of a ramble, I guess I needed to vent. Don't expect a magic wand, but some words of wisdom would be good!

She needs love-bombing and 1:1 attention whenever you can give it, not shouting from your DH! She's had a massive disruption to her life and much as she loves being a big sister, she's reached the point where the novelty is wearing off and she's realising baby isn't leaving.

Are you able to leave the baby with your DH for an hour or so and take her to the park, or somewhere else of her choosing? Get your DH to have 1:1 with her as with lots of laughs and cuddles and categorically no telling off.

You poor things. She's a typical bloody toddler but that doesn't make anything easier for you!

I don't have any solutions, my own DD is exactly like this much of the time, but I am lucky that DH and I are very much on the same page. Or if we aren't, at least he doesn't actively try to undermine me and we try to always present a united front.... mostly

But when we do get stressed and disagree on what to do it gets bitter and hurtful so quickly... and like most blokes DH knows I'm better at this stuff but won't back down sometimes, I think it's hard for men to back away sometimes when they've nailed the colours to the mast. You need to find a way to salvage something from this.

I hate to say it, but is it worth letting him have his way a few times and see how that goes?

I honestly think your way is better than his, but I also know the wisdom of acknowledging the things you can't change.

Him realising for himself that letting your DC cry it out (for example) doesn't work will have so much more impact if you come to that realisation himself, rather than having you tell him it won't work.

It's just a thought. Best of luck

I think first you need to have a chat with Oh and see what you can compromise on(meet in middle and what is nonnegotiable). For example if she does x,y,z it's warning then a consequence (and you support eachother) but no letting her crying it out and so on,until you decide on something you are both comfortable with.
Make sure both of you take time to spend one on one time with her,preferably out of the house where the baby can't distract you . Don't rush it.

As for her behaviour...have you tried giving her choices? For example rather than saying it's time for breakfast ask would you like toast or cereal for breakfast? Time to go out..would you like the purple coat or the ble coat? You get the point. It gives her more control,but from choices you are comfortable with. More importantly pick your battles.
A little trick,that sometimes works sometimes doesn't, is to follow a request with thank you. Like "time to brush your teeth now thank you." For some kids that thank you at the end(normally reserved for AFTER they've done a task) "tricks" them into believing that they have already agreed to it.

And don't forget,it's a stressful time for all of you. Massive changes,scare with ds,bad sleep etc take it easy and take it slow. Changes won't happen overnight.

My daughter went through a few terrible phases like this. We found it was really easy to slip into rewarding the negative behaviour by negative attention and ignoring the good behaviour. We eventually found that if we changed that around we saw progress - so totally ignored the bad and went totally over the top on praise for the good - e.g. 'Wow you ate all your shreddies this morning - I'm so proud of you. You are such a good girl!'....you get the gist. Worth a try maybe. Good luck x

I could have written this post myself. I have children almost the same age and the set-up is identical.

The nursery mornings tend to consist of DD (3) getting upset about everything and DH losing his patience, me telling him to calm down and me getting her ready and the baby having to wait

Anyway, the only advice I can give which tends to help us, is that she chooses what to wear to nursery the night before and we lay it out and it's made clear that's what she is wearing. If she strops in the morning about not wanting to wear the tights but leggings instead, I get her some leggings.
She has a brioche & watches some telly while I brush her hair (she has proper bfast at nursery but the bite at home takes the edge of the grumpiness). Then puts her shoes on and we brush her teeth downstairs in the kitchen. Because I am more patient, she wants me to do it all. I am happy to, even with DH grumbling away because I hate her leaving in tears and him in a huff!

But I'm hoping it's just a phase (albeit a long phase, it's been going on for months). She is worse if she hasn't had enough sleep and often says she doesn't want to go to nursery which is really tough. But I remind her she will have a happy day playing with her friends and singing songs and I want to hear all about it when she gets home.

Don't know if any of that will help you OP, but you're not alone!