Baby doesn't like DH, please help...

[Mamatallica]

My ebf DS is 4 months old and has some reflux issues that we are working on but he's often happy. He smiles, giggles, and listens to stories and songs with me, the minute I hand him to DH though, he screams the place down and won't calm down until he's back with me. DH is understandably very upset about this and although I keep saying it's just a phase, he is starting to say things like "what's the point of holding him, he'll only scream". He is a good dad and wants to bond but my DS seems dead set against it. Just me popping out the room to put the oven on brings about a full on meltdown if he's with his dad, if it's just the two of us though, he will play on his baby gym happily while I hang washing out etc. My DH works varying shifts so we don't have a regular routine, he had the day off today and it's just been horrible, he feels so rejected and down, he's gone off to bed with no tea and won't speak to us. It's breaking my heart and making me feel guilty for the nice times that I get with DS. Any advice would be appreciated please, I'm posting this in desperation.

Ok, the title was stupid, sorry, I'm sure he doesn't "not like" my DH, it just feels that way. Apologies, I'm pretty new, be gentle.

My son was like this at that age, he's now 17 months and always goes to his dad before me! I miss all the cuddles

My ds was like this and it got better around weaning time but I just got my dh to play with him when I was there and we both played so ds had both of us to focus on.
My dd ( now 15 weeks) was showing similar signs but I got dh to do bottles etc as part of our routine so now she only has to have me when she's not well. U still get jokes of dh saying she hates me etc.

Thanks for replying Helen, I keep telling my DH that in a few more months, he will be the favourite and I'll be boring old Mummy but it doesn't work, I can't cope with him moping about and moaning about it until then. We've waited a long time for our precious baby and it's the only one we will be able to have, I know it's not fair on DH but I feel like he's sucking the fun out of both of us at the moment.

Oh we had this with DD at exactly the same age. It does pass I promise. I remember my DH being totally downhearted too when it happened. She would only feed from me - bottle fed - and up to this point had been fine with him. Just know it does pass. Some suggestions were for him to wear something that smelled like me like a scarf etc. That may help. I do think it was just time really and him relaxing more and letting it pass. Maybe he could "play" more like lying down on the mat and interacting with the baby rather than always just holding or not. Tell him to stick with the interacting and it will pass. My DD is incredibly close to her dad they've a fab relationship. Best of luck I know it's very hard at the time.

Thanks Lookinatu, I was wondering whether weaning might help, I'll try to get DH as involved as possible when we get to that stage.

Thanks Cassie, that's interesting that it's not just bf babies that go through this stage, I have been feeling guilty that my decision to breastfeed has maybe helped create this situation. I agree that DH needs to get down on the floor and interact like that more. He does try although he has a disability so struggles sometimes. He was just too depressed to try today.
I also wonder if because he thinks DS will cry, it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I do think it's just a stage. My DS never went through it - and he was breastfed! - so part of me thinks the anxiety of it for him happening when it did with DD just exacerbated it. But we were both very tired and stressy with a new baby so some conversations about it weren't so productive
Once I got him to agree to just leave the feeding to me the majority of the time and try to relax and just interact with her it improved. That and time. If he can't get on the floor then try just getting him to chat to your DS in the bouncer / pram / in your arms whichever works best. But he needs to get it out of his head that it's him and that it's personal it's not, it's just a stage and once he relaxes and lets the time go it'll pass.

You may not want to hear this but my 9 year old is still a bit like this! It probably took him until he was 2.5/3 to drastically reduce i.e. would allow DH to cuddle him even if I was there too but he definitely still has a preference for me! Over time though he and DH have found some things to bond over, e.g. DH takes him to his football matches.

When he was younger though we did find he was better with DH when I was out of the house (provided He wasn't hungry as wouldn't drink from a bottle). Have you tried going out and leaving them together - if he hasn't got the alternative of you he might be better with DH.

If it helps, when DD was 2/3 she screamed like I was killing her when I tried to strap her in the car. It took every ounce of my strength to get her in her car seat. Both my arms, often a leg.
For daddy, she'd sit back, smile, and say 'strap me in daddy'
He didn't believe how hard it was for me till he hid round the corner & watched.

Poshme babies are fickle things. To be fair, my DS screams when anyone tries to strap him in the car seat, it's the worst thing in the world ever apparently!

Thanks for replying Alimonkey, I won't be telling my DH what you said!
My DS won't take a bottle either but I could leave him after a feed for an hour if my DH was willing but he is too scared, says DS will be inconsolable and there will be nothing he can do. Sadly, he may be right as this is what happens when I try leaving them together and going in another part of the house, he becomes so upset that feeding is the only way I can calm him again.
DH seems more positive today at least, i just keep repeating, "it's a phase, it's only a phase..."

Try and get your Dh more hands on. Breastfeeding is just a small part. He can still burp them, resettle them to sleep, bath them, nappies, change them, take for walk etc

My DD was/is like this.

My top tip is bath times! Get your OH do bath time when his shifts allow. That's what I got my OH to do. It was their "thing" when I was still off on mat leave. Now we take turns

My DD was hard work most days so as soon as OH got home I handed DD over and left them to it. I needed the head room.

And, as harsh as this may sound, when he wittered on about it I reminded him that a) babies do not understand the concept of hate and b) he is not the one who has limpet child attached to them ALL the time, so just suck up the crying for an hour so I can go to the shops/hairdressers/wherever in peace......

It did get much better after that wee rant

And now DD picks her favourite for the day if we both off together. I personally think it's her way of assessing who will give in and give her a "nana" (banana) first. OH, it's always OH

though, it's hard work this parenting lark

My baby is 9 months old and is exactly the same. She's always been Formula fed. My husband gets upset but I try to explain that for her whole life it's been me that does all of the feeds. He's never once got up in the night. He goes to work full time and feels like because of this he's missing out but personally I think it's because he didn't make enough of an effort when she was smaller.

It's understandable him being upset and some babies are just clingy but could it possibly be slightly self inflicted?

Thanks so much for all the replies, I've been giving my DH carefully edited highlights of this thread and it does seem to be helping, he's taking a more positive approach and getting down on the floor more to play with DS. I'm planning to get him more involved with bath time too and weaning when we start that. Hopefully, persistence will win through...

Just to add & agree with previous posters that it's really not the breastfeeding. I bf'd both of mine and dc1 was a total mummy's girl (and still is to be honest at 6!) but ds adored DH from newborn onwards. I actually put this down to how much time DH was able to spend with them as young babies. With DD he was working late nights & working away. With DS he had sole care of him 2 days a week while I worked. My DH got very down about it, but I promise you it will be a distant memory in no time - just make sure DH spends time alone with your baby even if he feels rejected..it will pay off eventually!

Had this with one of my children...totally feel your pain and my DH would totally empathise with yours! Our DD rejected him completely until the age of 2 yrs when she suddenly switched and began interacting with him more and allowed him to comfort her. Before then she would rather lie on her own sobbing than have him cuddle her. Sometimes he'd come in from work and say hello and she'd burst into tears. I have approximately 5 or 6 photos of him holding her in her early years. He was a broken man over it and in truth even now (she's 5) he struggles when she has a strop at him as he automatically links it to rejection again.

In truth it nearly led to him leaving the home as he felt so rejected and unloved. I have so much respect for him as every single day he kept trying with her only to be rejected every time.

We've now had DC3 and the midwives gave him a bit of a hard time trying to push him to hold the baby. He declined and I knew why...he wanted to hold her when we were alone in case she rejected him too. Our eldest was fine with him and fortunately so was our youngest so please reassure your DH it doesn't mean any subsequent children will be the same.

One thing I am aware of in hindsight is that with our eldest I BF her then handed her to hubby to be burped. With middle, our eldest was still in effect a baby and demanding as we had them close together so it was easier for him to manage her and me to feed and burp baby so he didn't interact with her as much as with our first. I don't feel this was the ultimate problem as she was clingy to only me literally from birth (wouldn't sleep unless touching me) but I do feel it would have helped if he'd held her more in the early days.

She now definately loves him and goes for cuddles but in truth she still loves me more (I don't mean that to sound horrible or braggy). She always writes me notes and wants to go everywhere with me even if it's boring but will happily decline going somewhere exciting with him if it means leaving me. This aside though she does love him and they are well bonded now.

I hope your baby isn't as drastically attached as ours and accepts your DH sooner. The best thing he can do is what you've said he is doing which is daily routine of getting on baby's level and chatting and playing. If he can have something special he does with baby that will help bond them for instance singing a little song with actions to make baby laugh then as they get older adapt it to suit.

My friend had a baby who only liked her, me and one of her grandmothers.
The father was horribly upset and did the same "don't give her to me, she'll only scream".

It was awful and I do sympathise. It's a time thing...she grew out of it at six months but of course a very long six months for him.

I would observe that although I appreciate it is very depressing and upsetting for your DH, it is also very stressful for you. I was at my child's beck and call for everything and had no support because she wouldn't let him do a single thing. I was in effect a single parent to her day and night (terrible night sleeper who would only Co sleep and during day would only sleep if held or pushed in buggy). Obviously it wasn't as emotionally difficult as the rejection my DH experienced but it was immensely pressured and emotionally demanding on me.