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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 2 1/2 year old is repeatedly rejecting me. Why?

13 replies

Elguapo · 01/12/2016 22:37

Evening everyone. So, our DS for quite a while now, repeatedly says "move away Daddy!" or "I don't want you, I want Mommy!" and other similar things. This happens when I sit next to him, come into the room or even look at him some times. It's been going on for 3-4 months. My wife keeps trying to reassure me that although really annoying, it's fairly normal. I'm sure it is, but I have to say that having the one person on earth that you love more than anything repeatedly rejecting you gets pretty tough after a while. We are super loving with him while setting clear boundaries and follow a very child led parenting method. I cannot for the life of me figure out why he is forcefully pushing me away? I have noticed that this behaviour is much stronger when my wife is not around. I will spend whole days with him without his Mum and he seems fairly chill and happy and sometimes not. He's a really happy little boy, so it makes me really sad when he pushes me away like this. Has anyone else had a similar experience or have some information regarding how this fits into a common developmental stage of some sort? I tell myself not to take it personally, he's 2 and a half, 2 year olds are insane and totally Id driven, it still crushes me every time he does it.

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Growingbeanno2 · 02/12/2016 01:05

Oh you sound like such a lovely daddy and this must be heart breaking.

Ime it is normal at that age.

Could you try getting involved in the routine (although you may already be). My DH has done bwthtime since DS was little and it's 'thier thing'. Perhaps have some daily activities which are your thing to do together. Perhaps also try to ask what he wants you to do for him or what you can do together?

I'm sure it'll pass, they're hard work and fickle at that age. We have days when only the childminder will do!!

AppleMagic · 02/12/2016 01:38

I think this is developmental stage as both of mine did the same thing at that age. They grew out of it after a few months though and now just favour whichever parent they think is most likely to give them their own way.

Original poster

Elguapo · 02/12/2016 07:20

I am as involved as I could possibly be. I spend tons of time with him, taking out to the park, making art, bath time (which is fairly traumatic at the moment) etc etc. We don't have a TV so we spend most of our time reading books or playing with blocks and trains at home. It's always been really good, but this rejection thing started a few months ago and it's been a real heart breaker. I'll just keep trudging through this with my positive thinking cap on. When he was tiny and having terrible reflux problems, everyone on Mumsnet was really helpful and supportive, So I figured this was a good place to come to get some advice and support on this. There will be more in the future I'm sure.

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Growingbeanno2 · 02/12/2016 10:16

Sorry you do t find this advice helpful. You didn't say in op what you did with lo hence my suggestions.

It is a known stage of development and normal. Not sure what else you want to hear really?

Perhaps talk to the health visitor?

Bumpsadaisie · 02/12/2016 11:02

It's the Oedipal phase! He wants to get together with mummy and have her all to himself and get daddy out of the picture. Its a normal part of sexual and gender development. He is realising he is a boy, mummy is a girl.

Ultimately to negotiate this phase successfully he needs to fail in his efforts to be a couple with mummy and to accept that mummy and daddy are the couple in the family.

So you need to set boundaries and not allow him to supplant your place with mum, but in a kind way that allows him to express his natural feelings of jealousy towards you and wish to have mum all to himself, without you getting terribly upset or angry about it. That will make him fear his own strong feelings on the subject. He needs to know his feelings are ok but nonetheless there is a boundary.

My youngest son is five now and if my DH hugs me he will still come over and wiggle between us and do pretend kickboxing on DH! Its sweet and my DH finds it funny that this small boy is willing to have a go at him in the competition for my love! Its more a game now though I think my son does still feel strong feelings whenever he sees me and DH behaving like a couple (eg hugging in the kitchen) - he feels compelled still to try and get between us.

EssentialHummus · 02/12/2016 11:15

Another vote for the Oedipal stage. We're not there yet, but in practical terms I'd expect it's important to make sure you and your wife are sending him the same signals so he doesn't feel he can win time with mummy/send daddy away by acting up.

Original poster

Elguapo · 05/12/2016 11:29

Thank you so much for your answers and advice. The Oedipal phase! It's all makes so much more sense now. This was exactly what I was looking for. I suppose I should have been a bit more clear about what I was looking for in the beginning. The funny thing is that DS has been doing this rejection thing with me for the last three months and literally the day after I posted my concerns here, he started telling my wife to "go away" and asking for me! 2 year olds are completely insane.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/12/2016 11:37

Eh?!

They all go through this stage, then switch out of the blue. That includes both sexes. It's normal and it passes, just don't take it personally.

gamerchick · 05/12/2016 11:39

I loved it me when they were all for dad. Means I got a bit peace to do things like visit the bathroom alone

Growingbeanno2 · 06/12/2016 16:11

I know you didn't find my precious comments helpful and I don't know why I thought id try again, but I saw this today and thought it may help or what ever.

www.handinhandparenting.org/article/i-only-want-mommy-helping-your-child-feel-safe-with-both-parents/

Jennifer8787 · 10/12/2016 18:49

But don't forget how bad you felt when he said that to you!

dailymaillazyjournos · 10/12/2016 19:20

Elguapo - they are soooo fickle!

My DGD is 15 months and has times when only DD will do. Then others when only DSIL will do. When I had her to stay overnight she didn't want to be carried by either of them when we went out after they got back.

I think it's about how they feel at that moment/day/week. It will pass and it's not personal.

corythatwas · 10/12/2016 23:07

Fickleness is completely normal. Not sure I believe in the Oedipal stage, but what I do believe is that this is an age where they simultaneously need to start experiencing independence and feeling very close to and able to rely on a parent. The simplest way of doing this is by rejecting one parent and clinging to the other. Which parent that will be at any particular time seems to be pretty much luck of the draw.

Your job as parents is not to react but to stay calm and absolutely reliable. If one person needs to do something with them, then don't let them stop you. If mummy has to go out, they will have to make do with daddy. But don't let them see that you are hurt. This way they will learn that they can be independent and you will still be there for them.

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