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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Should Santa still come if 4yr old DS continues bad behaviour??

46 replies

u32ng · 01/12/2016 19:30

This is the first year we will be 'doing' Santa and have written the Santa letter (buzz lightyear toy), and made it clear that Santa only visits the good boys & girls etc. However his behaviour makes me wonder if he will actually behave and if he doesn't do we honestly leave him a lump of coal?? Also seems wrong that he could misbehave all December and still get his Santa present as surely he will think "oh well Santa still came even though I wasn't good so I don't need to be good to get rewarded"

I've posted on MN before about DS's behaviour (hitting, slapping, punching type behaviour). We thought we were turning a corner but today was an awful day at nursery and now I'm honestly wondering what we are to do if it continues through December??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

busyrascal · 03/12/2016 07:44

We're struggling with our 6yo dd's behaviour at the moment. There's no way we would threaten with Santa but we have taken her advent calendar away.

RedStripeIassie · 04/12/2016 08:00

Poor little man, of course he should still have Santa!!!

Dd is getting threatened daily by dh that Santa won't come if she's naughty and I think it's put her off the whole idea . Some creepy old man, stealing into our flat who Judges her on her behaviour! But seriously she'd never not have a stocking Christmas morning.

canwestart2016again · 04/12/2016 08:09

This is simple. Stop associating Santa and good behaviour.

You don't need to say Santa only comes for good DC, just stop saying it. Besides anything else it's not an age appropriate punishment as it's so far away.

Please can I recommend a book - Calmer Happier Easier Parenting. DS was challenging as a toddler and I found some of the book's suggestions really helpful.

handsfree · 04/12/2016 08:20

I would never stop Santa visiting my dc but I just wanted to say to those posters who are raining eyebrows and criticising people for saying Santa only comes to good children..... that's part of the story! Who's on the naughty list etc etc It's not like OP has just invented that specifically for her child!

canwestart2016again · 04/12/2016 09:00

handsfree yes it's one part of the story, but every family reinvents the detail of the Santa myth to suit their family to some extent - e.g. which presents Santa brings, where he leaves them, when you can open them etc. There is no rule you have to include the "be good for Santa" stuff.

And anyway, as Santa is a myth passed down generations largely by word of mouth it's natural that it adapts over time to stay relevant to a modern audience.

Also, how much emphasis you put on that part of the story makes a difference. I've never said to my DC they have to be good for Santa but even so they've picked the idea up from TV and other people anyway, so. But if they mention it at home I don't comment on it, I never make them feel that Santa won't come.

Ankleswingers · 04/12/2016 09:07

Remember that children need to understand that it is their behaviour you aren't happy with and not the child. Big difference and they need to understand that.
Positive reinforcement is good for four year olds, as are many others. Please don't take away Father Christmas. That's just nasty.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/12/2016 09:18

What a depressing thread

llangennith · 04/12/2016 09:36

I really hope you're taking all the comments on board OP.
Your poor little boy. You're ruining the joy of Christmas Day for him.

Yika · 04/12/2016 21:03

Yes womb's post brought tears to my eyes ... but great ideas on this thread too, love the encouraging letters from santa!! I have an often challenging child but it would never occur to me to withhold presents no matter what. For one thing it would ruin my day as much as hers!! Good luck with your son OP but shower him with love, you and your family all deserve to enjoy a lovely Christmas Day full of magic.

Kleinzeit · 04/12/2016 23:22

Santa can give him presents because even if he gets things wrong and Mum and Dad get angry sometimes, Santa still knows he is a good kid who is trying his best to be good.

A long time ago my DS did something dreadful and I needed him to go to someone's house to apologise for it. DS had defiantly refused. The following day I had lined up all kinds of punishments in case he wouldn't do it but when I went to talk to DS again he demanded "but WHY do I have to say sorry?" The only thing I could think of to say was "because you are a good boy and it is the right thing to do". DS went very very quiet. And he went to apologise, no more fuss.

My DS was a very challenging child with severe behaviour problems. But it made me realise just how much DS wanted to be good. And how big a mistake it would have been if I'd told him he was bad.

Dealing with a challenging child is very hard. You all deserve to enjoy a lovely happy Christmas.

SandyFeet177 · 06/12/2016 06:28

Excitement can manifest itself in them being an utter nightmare at this age, all through till Christmas once the trees start going up. Santa has to come for your DS, regardless, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on naughty or nice affecting the outcome of christmas - because christmas will come and you want him to have nice memories of it and not associate it with a huge disappointment. I'd use immediate discipline, stick to any rules and boundaries you do set, because you won't leave him a lump of coal and, at the end of the day, there's no point using a punishment that is neigh on impossible to carry out in there being no christmas for this little boy.

NiceFalafels · 06/12/2016 06:32

If he's in infants he will be utterly exhausted right now!

SynchronisedCatsBumming · 07/12/2016 08:15

DC is also 4, and doesn't even know there is an option to get coal instead of presents etc. Like a PP, any consequences for bad behavior happen that day and come from us. We are doing a happy/sad marble pot atm with a sticker chart but that is to crack some bad habits (chewing everything mainly) and just coincidental we started that this month.

JellyWitch · 07/12/2016 08:27

We joke about the naughty kids getting coal but would never ever do that!

4 year olds are bloody hard work but threatening that FC won't come isn't the solution to that.

SarcasmMode · 07/12/2016 08:34

He is 4. He needs immediate punishment (no TV, no park). They don't really get time like an older child does.

I think you're better to reward good behaviour than always focusing on bad.

Jennifer8787 · 10/12/2016 18:42

WombOfOnesOwn

Exactly what i was thinking when you said:
Remember this: it's likely your child will remember your behavior about this Christmas, if you actually follow through on your plan. He might forget a normal Christmas, and he'll almost certainly eventually forget the physical aggression he's directed toward his classmates. But the odds he'll forget coal in his stocking? Nil. And someday you're going to have to tell him the truth about who really bought that coal

Also I'm so sorry for the things your parents did. I'm sure they have taught you how NOT to parent and your children have benefitted from that.

TwitterQueen1 · 10/12/2016 18:46

Womb I am so sorry you had such awful experiences. Your parents were not loving or caring. I cannot imagine how very sad you must have felt.

You're on my nice list

bummedmummy · 10/12/2016 23:06

Please don't threaten no santa. It honestly makes me feel sad that you're even considering that. He's 4 - so very small - and you're treating him like someone much older and with much more logic, thinking that this kind of threat will make a difference to his behaviour.

The Nurturing Heart made a huge difference to my parenting approach. Teaches you to find and appreciate the good in ANY behaviour (and also how to deal with challenging behaviour). It changed my outlook on many things including myself and had a transformative effect on my son. I can't recommend it enough.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2016 23:10

Oh god, that would be unbelievably cruel. You can't have Santa not come because he was naughty. He's four. I wouldn't even do it at 14. I'm sorry, I can't even believe you'd actually think of being that cruel. Something is causing his behaviour and cruelty won't help make it better. 😞😞😞

zeeboo · 10/12/2016 23:21

Your post has made me so sad. Please, please Google unconditional parenting and give it some thought. Challenging children need less punishment and fewer demands on their behaviour.
A great book is How to Talk so Children Listen and How to Listen so Children Talk. It works even from as small as age 4 and makes behaviour management a two way street and really sets you up for when the child grows up and the challenges get even bigger.

CanadaMoose91 · 11/12/2016 23:48

One year when my brothers and I had been little menaces the weeks before Christmas (no particular reason, just as siblings can be), Santa brought us our gifts and stocking with a note saying that though we were good children, we hadn't always shown it and he'd be keeping a close eye on us for next year. My parents didn't give us our gifts on Christmas as we hadn't behaved - when we proved we could listen and be kind, then we could have treats from Mom and Dad. Family Christmas was on the New Years Day that year, and we certainly stepped up. I was 6, brothers were 5 and 3.

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