Any other 4yo like this?

[flipflopson5thavenue]

DS1 is 4.4yo, and is - as far as I can tell - perfectly normal and healthy.

One thing he is though, and more so than I've seen any of his friends or peers, is shy.

At parties he won't play with the other kids really unless his two closest friends are there.

He never greets anyone or says good bye. We tell him it's polite to reply to someone when they say hello or goodbye but he just ignores us.

We recently had DP's parents to stay for two weeks and DS1 wouldn't even wave or acknowledge them as they left.

Every morning his teacher says "good morning" and he doesn't reply. All the other kids smiled ans say hello back. He tells me he says it back to her quietly or "I say good morning at the register mummy"

He never says hello or answers any adult who talks to him like the parents of his friends or my friends if we meeting up with them etc.

Does this all seem within the realm of 'normal'....?

My daughter did this for a long time. She didn't seem to have any friends (except an imaginary friend at nursery). If we bumped into children she knew from school and they greeted her, she would ignore them. I felt dreadful! It was just the same with most adults. When she started at school, she wouldn't even respond to the teachers. However, she was fine with us at home. I was quite worried, but MIL reassured me that DH had been very similar!

Gradually, she began to talk to the teachers and other children. A new child joined her class mid-year and made friends with her, and that seemed to really help her confidence with her peers. We had lots of play dates. Talking to adults followed. She's nine now, happy and bubbly, with lots of friends. I still need to remind her to greet people nicely sometimes, but she always does it and is generally fairly chatty and confident.

It sounds like your son is just very shy. Schools are quite good now at picking up on special needs, so I'm sure they'd have mentioned it to you if they thought it was anything like that. Hopefully he will become more socially confident as he gets older!

My DD used to be just like this, but she's much better at saying hello, goodbye etc now (she is now 5.5).
I wouldn't worry - it's frustrating, but not that unusual. It will get better

Dd is very like this, she's 3.6. She's fine with adults she knows well but otherwise she's exactly the same. She seems to take ages to build up the confidence to allow herself to be comfortable with people and only it's only now that she's coming out of her shell a bit at nursery. I find it really difficult to watch. Like theconstant said , I'm sure the school would have mentioned if they'd picked up on anything.

My 4 yo dd is exactly like this, I don't believe she is shy as she's like this with family members, refusing to greet etc is just how you describe.
School reception teacher actually called me aside today to say she's putting dd in a "shooting stars" programme in January, it's a smaller group and more 1-2-1 teaching to try and build confidence and social skills, she's sending me the letter so I'm feeling a bit upset as not sure if this is the start of something bigger.
She's a lovely girl but can be very demanding and I'm hoping it's something the school and this program can help with.

Hi, my daughter is the same and her nursery have referred her to speech and language as they believe she has a condition called selective mutism, this is where it's not just shyness, although I have had very different options since hearing this, as my daughter is only three a price sal and the gp have said they will only really worry if she had started school and was still doing it, maybe worth a read up on

Yes it's normal. You've got a sensitive child and should just help him feel more secure rather then pushing him to greet when he feels awkward.

My DD was just the same. She barely spoke for ages it seemed...at home with just us she did...but not at school. I worried so much.

She's 12 now and another child in her class told me "X and her friends made up a funny song and sang it in front of the class yesterday"

She's so completely different now. Don't worry too much OP....they all develop at different times and some children find social interactions trickier than others...just as some take to reading easily whilst others don;t.

Read The highly sensitive child by Aran

Both my children who that were like that in infant school are quietly confident now and can converse with adults/strangers and present to groups

My just gone 4 year old dd is like this. A right little miss chatterbox at home but refuses to speak to or look at certain people. We met my aunt yesterday and dd did the full on face into my cost refusing to acknowledge my aunt routine. She is getting on great at pre school with no issues so I hoping she grows out of this phase.

I have a 5&3 yr old who are both quite confident. But I was shy as a child and I remember feeling very embarrassed by my own shyness and the more people sort of noticed the worse it was, so when my mum said something like, "oh, she's just shy!" or, "she was chattering away about x just a minute ago" I would start blushing madly and feel very silly and ashamed.

Hence, I have a 'no enforced greetimg' rule. Instead of telling my child to say hello, I will say, "let's say hello to x" and will greet the person myself, looking back and forward between the person and my child, to sort of include my child in the moment. If the person comments on the child's shyness** I will say something like, "I think x doesn't feel like talking right now" or "everyone likes to feel quiet sometimes" because I remember feeling sold down the river by my mum's comments, so I am trying to signal to my child that I am on their side, or at least that want I am saying about them is a guess ("I think') and I'm not labeling ("she is shy" - I thought shy was pejorative when I was a kid as it was used to explain my inadequacy).

Like I say, mine are confident and relaxed, but all small children have moments where they are unsure of themselves or what to do. They least pressure option I think is modelling to them what they can say or do and make as little fuss as possible so hopefully they can develop the skills in their own time.

** wtf is it with people loudly proclaiming a person to be shy, or even worse asking a tiny, overwhelmed child if they are shy? How is drawing attention to someone's overwhelm going to help? And if they are shy, on what planet does it seem likely that they will be happy to discuss that fact with someone they have just greeted in a situation where they are overwhelmed? /rant overwhelmed.

Oops - / rant OVER

My middle ds (now 6) was like this, he came across as being a bit aloof and rude but he was just shy. He's fine now, completely different at school and with his peers. But he can still be a little like it with adults he doesn't know very well.

School have observed my 4yo dd and they say she is only like this with adults, she won't even say hello to her teacher!
I had senco teacher from school call to say she's making a referral for the "boxall" test, it's reassuring to hear others have had this and all turned out well.

Thanks everyone.
I don't think I've ever pushed him to greet anyone.

Outself- you've articulated really well a lot of what I think and feel. DS1 sometimes says "I don't want to say hello because I'm shy" and that makes me sad because we've never called him that so it's other people saying it about him.

I like the idea of saying hello together I think I'll start doing that.