5yo ds behaviour - saying he is cross because I argue with daddy

[Honesttodog]

So depressed. A lot of challenging behaviour this term from ds and he has just told me that he gets cross because me and dh fight. I am Now feeling So guilty. I am naturally quick tempered and have definitely shouted too much at the kids. Been focused on joy shouting recently but am really concerned ds may need to see a therapist and/or I need to talk to someone about my temper. I tend to shout a lot (again not recently) and ds is sensitive to loud noises, but often doesn't listen or shows off or does naughty things. Often does thing which require consequences eg sitting on step, taking away fave thing etc.

Just don't know who to turn and do t know whether to reduce his after school stuff as a major consequence of ongoing bad behaviour or just keep working away at it day to day talking things thru, extra cuddles etc. how can I support him and get to the bottom of angry feelings, managing temper etc. ?

Horrible feeling that damage is done.

Dh and I have always snapped at each other but also v loving - just the way we are.

"damage is done" seems a very defeatist attitude. How about just working on cutting down on the shouting? Identify your triggers, have a plan ready, decide beforehand what you are going to punish for (more effective the more seldom), try lowering your voice to get his attention (works surprisingly well)

and tbh if it upsets him then "just how we are" may not be the kindest approach

remember this is his home, it's his safe place

if there is something relatively small you and your dh could do to make him feel happier there, then why not try working on it?

I also have a ds who is very sensitive to arguing and people being angry with each other. Of course, it doesn't mean I can never tell him off, but dh and I have made a bit of an effort to watch the way we speak to each other- and tbh looking back over the years, I don't think being a bit more considerate has hurt us at all. Nor has it made him grow up into a timid or over-sensitive lad; he is fine coping with his peers, just likes his home to be a pleasant relaxing place.

If he's a 5 yo in Reception then he needs a little leeway. Its been a long term and Xmas and all the events/hype means that emotions will be on edge.
You need to pick your battles and tell him off for the nonnegotiable stuff.
As you probably know, shouting is inevitable but doesn't achieve much. I have a child who's sensitive to loud sounds too and he can't hear shouting. Its too physically painful for him to listen so I have to talk at a normal loudness.
Does Ds see you and your h apologize to each other after shouting? Arguments are part of life but owning mistakes and making amends are good skills to model.
I think you and your son need lots of hugs and a mutual agreement to try and listen to each other and talk to each other calmly. I'm not saying that I never shout but sometimes when you're in a negative rut you need a mutual ceasefire and agreement that you will try and be respectful

Thanks all. Need to focus on being less of a Mardy bitch and definitely have a clear plan of action to deal with upsets. But DS causes a lot of tension so can be a real strain for me to keep calm and find inner reserves. Me who does almost all discipline as dh often away At work.

Any books to coach DS on staying calm? Who could I speak to in the health system? Yoga? Some calming activity?

Maybe you could do some calming exercises together since it seems that the two of you have similar problems? Also, make it clear that calming exercises are not an alternative to trying to solve a family problem.

How difficult is he actually being? Could you give us examples?

Children mirror your behaviour, I can be quite shouty especially when trying to get the kids ready for school, I got a bad cold and lost my voice and had to whisper for a few days and they actually listened to what I said, I try to remember this!

A lot of Anger around hunger after school. I give a large snack but he is grouchy until the meal. Unless distracted. V hard to deal with it as as I don't see this behaviour with other kids.

Getting cross and retaliating if he feels something has been done to him. Extreme impatience.

Last week he hit Dh because food shopping was taking too long. After a week of being good and talking to school.

Just feels like a thousand tiny battles, very tiring and draining when we want to all just get along.

I understand that it is draining, but could you try to look at it in a more glass-half-full way? He managed a whole week of behaving well before he fell down. Is that an achievement compared with his previous record? If so, feel proud, pat yourself on the back, acknowledge that he has achieved something.

It is difficult to judge from your posts as you don't give a lot of detail (what does grouchy mean? is he throwing things and calling people names, or just looking a bit grumpy, or somewhere in between?). But I do wonder if maybe your expectations are a bit high.