Views on incident at nursery

[slotnicki]

Until recently, my dd who is 3 played very happily with another child at her nursery. After half-term, my dd began saying that the other child had hit/bit/kicked her. I know that all of these incidents were seen and addressed by the nursery when they happened. Over the past few days it has got very much worse. Eventually, after a lot of provocation, my dd bit the child concerned. The next day, the other child bit her to the extent that her face is marked still marked one day later. I am feeling sooooo distressed. I can honestly say that I love the nursery and have always thought the staff were excellent. I also don't think badly of the child concerned. I feel that it is a game which got totally out of hand.

The nursery raised the incident with my dp and addressed it. However I still feel upset and am beginning to worry about leaving my dp there. I want to raise it with the nursery myself, and want to say that this is how I now feel - but at the moment don't think that I could raise it without getting very upset indeed. Has anyone been through anything similar and did it make you feel the same way?

Yes, but it only happened once (he got bitten by another child), the fact that it has being going for such a long time is what really worries me, does the mother of the bully know about this? you may ask the nursery if they have told the other child's parents about the incidents. I would leave it this time but if any other thing happens between them I would ask for a drastic action. Personality is defined between 3 and 5 yrs, so if your DD feels she is meant to be passive against agression she will feel like that even after many years, considering that, if the nursery doesn't do anything I would contemplate to use another nursery.

My ds was bitten at nursery a few times. The first time he was 2y 5m and no-one saw it, and none of us understood why over about a month or more he regressed more and more and became very distressed about nursery. We all thought that it was to do with his baby sister (about 2mo at that time). Eventually I found out and went to talk to the staff. Since then there have been one or two other biting incidents - one severe enough to break the skin through his clothes. The staff have been aware of these other incidents.

After our experiences, I wuold be very very concerned that the staff aren't actively dealing with your dd's situation. She clearly shouldn't be left to play unsupervised with this other child. I don't think it is safe for her - both from the point of being bitten, and from the point of what she is learning about behaviour.

If at the moment you feel you cannot talk to the nursery about it, then perhaps you can talk with your dd? Perhaps she needs to learn some avoidance techniques? I'm not very good at this myself, but what I taught my ds was that if someone does something that upsets or hurts him, he should first say 'No. Stop that.' if necessary putting his hand out (palm outwards as if he was a traffic policeman stopping a car). There are quite a few non-English-speaking children in his nursery, which is why I got him to use his body language and tone of voice, as well as words. Also, putting his hand out puts distance between him and the other child.

A few days ago ds came home and told me that he had done just this when the child who had previously bitten him got too close and physical. And the child stopped, and ds felt very pleased with himself.

Hiya, I know I got mightily upset when something similar happened to ds - but at the same time it seems this does seem to be a phase that some kids go through. That said, I think you should raise this with nursery as it is causing you distress. At least then they can tell you what steps they are taking/take to try to limit these incidents.

Also, as I think you need cheering up a bit, I should let you know that ds' nursery have a policy of not naming the other child involved. However, ds is now 4 so perfectly able to say who did it. The last time this happened to ds the minute I got him in the car I asked who was responsible. He told me the boy's name. I was surprised as ds is friends with the boy in question so I asked why he had done it - ds replied "Well, I said come on (boy's name), try and eat me!"

I think you should definitely say something to playgroup that you are unhappy that your child keeps coming home with bite marks. If there is one particular child that is doing the biting etc then they should really be monitoring him/her much more closely so that he/she is not in a position to do any damage to another child. I think it's great that you're not condemning the child. It could be that he/she has some sort of hearing problem. I know that that can result in behaviour of this sort, particularly at playgroup where the background noise level may make it hard for them to concentrate. Whatever is causing it though, it needs to be addressed for although occasional behaviour of this sort is perfectly normal, to continously do this is not and his/her parents really need to be involved. Playgroup has a responsibility to look after your dd while she is there so you are not being unreasonable to ask what they are doing to ensure that your dd is safe. Good luck.

There is a child at my dds nursery who bites quite a bit. My dd has been bitten and several of her friends. The child in question is bi-lingual, with mostly another language spoken out of school, and consequently her language is behind some of the others and she gets frustrated not being able to express herself.
Like you we do not blame the child but after several biting, hitting etc incidents the nursery had noit said anything to the girl's mother. In the end one of us did, she was horrified, spoke to her daughter and most of the behaviour has stopped.
So I think you need to make sure that the nursery is addressing it with the other child's parents, and that until it stops they supervise the children closely during play and probably separate them a bit (e.g. make sure they don't sit next to each other at mealtimes etc).

Willow. When DS was bitten, he said, quite indignantly in the other child's favour - 'he had to bite me Mummy, he was being a dog!'

Thanks everyone. I have decided to leave a message on their voicemail tonight, explaining that I need to speak to someone tomorrow am, as I could do this without getting upset. I would then hope that they will ensure that there is someone around to talk.

Some of you have raised some questions....Dd's nursery has a policy of not naming the child. However last week, his mother came up to me and told me that the nursery had spoken to her about his behaviour towards my dd. I explained that I knew and had told dd not to play with him if she didn't want to or (if she did) to walk away if his play became aggressive and tell a member of staff.

I have really reinforced this with her, as I was bullied at primary school and it wasn't until I learned to deal with the situation, that the bullying eventually stopped. I also feel very strongly (as some of your have pointed out) that she must not 'learn to accept' aggressive behaviour.

Two particular aspects of this week's events have bothered me. The first was that when we were told that my dd had bitten the child it question, we were also told that it happened after he had pestered her several times to play with him. I feel that if they saw this, someone should have distracted him. The second was that on the day she was bitten, he had again bothered her. She refused to play, told two members of staff and was then somehow bitten. Again, I feel that the situation should have been diffused - in fact she received a star for behaving sensibly under provocation! One other point, when dd fell over last week, I was asked to sign the accident book. However this didn't happen after the biting incident and I am not sure why. Does anyone know how accident books are used?

When DS was bitten, the nursery staff asked me to sign the accident book, may you offer to sign it tomorrow?

Any child who has an injury caused by any means should have it recorded in the accident book and you should be shown details at the end of the session. Presumably your dd had some sort of treatment (we have cold 'Mr Bumps' for lots of things!) and details of any treatment however minor should be passed on to you. The child who's doing the biting should be monitored by all staff especially his keyworker. The nursery are wrong not to tell you, they should at least cover themselves in case of future incidents, although they don't need to tell you who it was.

How did your discussion go, slotnicki?

It seems very strnge that your dd received a star for good behaviour under provocation - so the staff were obviously paying attention - yet they didn't do anything to prevent the situation arising in the first place.

Fair enough that children have to learn to cope with others, but they still need help, guidance and protection!

My son's nursery has two books: an Accident book and an Incident book. The bitings were all (except the first obviously) reported in the Incident book, which I was shown and signed. I believe that in the interest of confidentiality they actually have two incident books - one for the perpetrator and one for the victim. It may be a hassle for the staff to fill out, but it's a good way of recording situations and making sure that all parents know about it.

Our nursery has an accident and incident book as well.

Having been going there for 2 years ds1 was suddenly in the incident book 6 times in 2 weeks for pinching (he's autistic). I spoke to the staff about it- a strategy was agreed to use at home, school and nursery - which worked reasonably quickly. The nursery manager said that she wasn't worried about it - because- there wasn't one child being singled out. She said that if he had always gone for the same child she would have been concerned and would have seperated them.