I could really do with some advice about DS1. This is long, sorry

[saltire]

See here for a bit of background.
I am so at the endo fo my tether with him.
He gets lots of attention, we spend the weekends together, most days the mindees are away by 5, occasionally one is here till 6. The behaviour towards the mindee is just the tip of the iceberg. He gets so aggressive. One day a couple of weeks ago he swept his arm along the mantelpiece, sending everything crashing to teh floor because i wouldn't let him watch something on tv. Another time he pushed me off the computer chair because i was doing something on it and wouldn't let him on until i had finsihed. he had a full scale meltdown in teh school playground a couple of weeks ago - bag was thrown across the playgfround, he hit me, he lay down screeaming, all because i wouldn't let him go to the house of a child whose mother i hadn't met, didn't know where he lived, or even if the mother had said he could go. If mindees and DS2 are watchin tv he turns it over, if they are playing a game he disrupts it, and ends up being sent to his room.
My mum blames me and DH, mainly me. It's all my fault because i childmind, don't give him enought attention, am always having a go at him, etc etc. I do feel as though i am always having a go because he drives me to it. Everything is an argument or battle, he bursts into tears over anything, he lashes out at his brother and he won't listen. We hav esat him down, explained things to him, asked his opinion but nothing, no change in his behaviour at all.
Last week at my mums he was clambering all over DH, who had a glass of red wine on teh table. 4 times DH said to him
"settle down and sit still, there is a glass of wine, you will knock it over". What happened, he kept capering about, and sent the glass of red wine flying. DH was furious, and told him he was careless. DS1 was in kitchen crying with my my mum telling him how bad we were for having a go at him. My mum is never off my back about how we talk to him, and we should accept it because we have made him like that. I don't see how though, we aren't aggresive in any way, i do shout occasionally, because i need to.

I think your dh should have moved the wine to a higher surface. Your ds WILL muck about and be immature - he IS immature, he's a child! I's just easier to put things out of knocking distance, in our house anyway!

I know it's really really hard, when you feel you are trying your absolute best, but can you listen to what your mum is saying, with a genuinely open mind?

If he is sustaining such very good behaviour at school it shows you that he can do it....and kids do, unless they have special needs which is a different matter, give back what they get really; they can very very quickly create a downward spiral because they reflect back any angst immediately and things get more and more negative.....

I think you need some very clear and consistent consequences if he does naughty things; this will help because all you have to do is impose the consequence, you don't have to moan at him or get into negative conversations, and when the consequence is done you welcome him back with genuine friendliness - you have to let things go, not refer to them again, move on and this gives him the chance to move on.

Things like the meltdown for not being allowed to go to his friends - I wonder if again, you could modify the way you talk to him about things; did you say quite a straight 'no'? sometimes if you couch things differently it riles kids less for instance "Oh, lovely, a new friend. I think it would be a great idea. What shall we do, get his mum's number and phone her now? We need to know if it's ok with her, don't we" etc etc, I know that sounds a bit poncey but you get the idea.

It's been said on here before, but pick your battles, put the telescope up to the blind eye now and again...and it goes back to the consequence thing; things can't be a battle if you simply don't engage with it. If he talks rudely, tell him you will talk to him when he can ask you more politely, if he does stuff like breaking things when you've said no to a TV programme, perhaps he's in his room for 10 mins; but then when he's out you find him something constructive to do and you are all welcoming and sweetness so that you can BOTH move on.

What does he do when he comes in from school? Has he got any activity or is it just fitting in with the other kids who are there?

From your post it DOES sound as if your mum may have a point, but I don't think it's your fault as such, it is very very easy to get in your situation and you are not alone!