Really worried about DS and DD (really long, sorry)

[eviletc]

tbh i wasn't sure where to post this. its going to be long, sorry, i just need a different perspective and some advice maybe?
background: Ds and dd are actually dss and dsd. i tend to refer to them on mn as ds and dd as they live with me and dh fulltime. they are 4.8 and 7.7.
their mother left dh for another man when dcs were 15 months and 4.2. she is now married to him, they live in another town and she sees dcs every other weekend. sometimes they sleep over for 1 night but they have not been doing this lately as it seems to exacerbate/result in the behaviour below.
i met dh not long after he was separated, we became involved about 8 months later and i have now been ds and dd's fulltime carer for just over 2 years. we all get along very well and i think are quite a close family.
dd2 was born 9 months ago. ds and dd1 are very affectionate toward her and love to play with and cuddle her. we have never seen/heard ds or dd1 being negative toward her. she has fortunately been a very easy going baby who has fitted into our family very well.
ds is also severely deaf. he wears hearing aids and attends a mainstream school (same school as dd). he has little to no contact with the deaf community and does not sign.
ok, now the problem part. warned you this was long but i feel all of the above should be made clear as it may be relevant.
ds is currently waiting to begin counselling. while he is a lovely, affectionate, well behaved boy most of the time he can go through periods of total non-compliance coupled with violent tantrums where he has broken things and hurt people (kicked and slapped, mostly dd1 but sometimes dh and i).
he has also feigned illness (to the point of making himself sick)in order to get out of going to school. this has happened 4 times since september . as soon as he gets to school he is absolutely fine. his teachers have no cause for concern about him and his behaviour at school is impeccable. although he is very reluctant to talk about his feelings, he will occasionally say that he misses his mum, that he wants to see her more and that he has no friends at school.
we have tried to arrange for his mother to see him more but she says she is too busy. he frequently has friends come to call for him and always runs off to talk/ play with friends going to and from school.
dd started school fulltime in january. while her behaviour in school is not naughty, her teacher has expressed concern that she shows no interest in learning or anything other than playing (which i know is normal at 4 and tbh does not really worry me). dd has said she does not like school as she has to do work. at home, while she is not out-of-control naughty, she persistently refuses to do as she is told and will regularly deliberately disobey ( i have posted about her before). i have made a real effort to choose my battles and let little things go but it seems the more she can get away with the more she pushes. star charts, rewards or negative consequences have no effect whatsoever. if she does not get her own way she has a tantrum.
the more ds acts up, the more dd misbehaves and vice versa. dd2 at the minute gets the absolute minimum attention when the other two are not at school because i am with one or the other. we are trying very hard to ignore bad behaviour and reward good behaviour with attention.
both are extremely competitive for dh's attntion and are actually more badly behaved when he is not at work.although dh is supportive and has good intentions he tends to give in and react to the bad behaviour, making it worse in the long run.
this does not happen all the time and i know i should count my blessings as other people have much worse to deal with. it is not like this all the time but we seem to be stuck in a viscious circle.
half term is next week which dh will have off. tbh i am dreading it.
what does anybody think, if they have survived the boredom and read down this far?
thanks

sorry about the mass of words, there were more spaces between paragraphs when i previewed it??

Oh gosh what a story.I always feel it's a bit over the top when people write 'I'm in tears' on here but reading that his mother says she is 'too busy' to see him more just made me want to cry. Poor little mite. You sound like you are doing a marvellous job, difficult situation for you all without ds's deafness.
FWIW dd1's behaviour sounds quite normal. Of course she wants to play, she's only 4 and been at school a few weeks. No advice to offer re ds but love and support are obviously what he wants most right now and he's getting that from you all
Take care

I'm not really sure what to advice. The only things that spring to mind, are is your ds, feeling a bit of minority going down the mainstream option? what I mean, is that its great that he has stayed at mainstream school, but perhaps a bit more contact with the deaf community would be useful? If is was my son, I would probably want him to learn how to sign as well as use the hearing aid, and sign language.Just to maximise his communication skills.
It actually sounds like you have a lot on your plate. A new baby, a ds with who is hearing impaired, with some behavioural problems, and your dd, is probably not taking a while to establish herself at school. But from your perspective it is yet another thing to worry about.
I hope that he gets counselling soon. Maybe some family work might be of benefit too?

I think put 'worries' about dd's behaviour at school right out of your mind and stamp on the teacher hard if she tries to hassle you about it. She is four, of COURSE she just wants to play - children know what they need. she knows that at 4 the way she learns IS by playing. If this is a problem, the school are doing it wrong - not your DD!

I wonder if some of your Ds' aggression is down to the effort of attending mainstream - if he doesn't hear properly even with his aids, it must be an exhausting effort for him.

but I think the crux for them, perhaps particularly ds, is the treatment from their mum. They possibly feel abandoned and I am sure they are picking up on her reluctance to see them more. For a child there is nothing that rocks their world more than feeling abandoned by their mum, I think it's the ultimate knock in life so I think they need lots and lots of support with this.

So I guess what I'm saying is that you and DH will basically need to show endless patience with them because the situation with their mum is so hard. I don't mean put up with bad behaviour, but I just mean that having a secure, stable, extra loving home with you is so so important to them so you just need to carry on being the loving carers you are.

Sibling rivalry too - they are dealing with ALOT in accepting the new baby - this will get easier for all of you as time goes on I'm sure.

I think they sound like they are doing great considering what is going on in their lives and I think you sound a fantastic step-mum!

thank you everybody for your kind posts. i really, really appreciate them and it is so nice to hear a fresh perspective on matters.
i am really reassured and feel better, thank you.
with all the different factors to consider you can understand why it is difficult for dh and i to know what is wrong and how to treat it.
im really glad too about what was posted re ds's deafness - if he was my natural ds i would have gone down the signing and speaking route and would have handled the whole issue of his deafness differently to the way it has been dealt with so far iyswim. i feel disloyal to dh posting about this though as i know he just wants to do what is best for his son, but tbh i feel he is in denial slightly about ds's needs and the affect the deafness has on his life. perhaps i should post on the special needs area about ds?
dd i know really is just a normal little girl, but at the moment her constant naughtiness is just another thing to worry about. i am glad that so far no-one seems to think it is do with anything else, as i was worried there may be underlying issues that i wasn't seeing.
perhaps some kind of family help is a good idea? i will certainly think about. so far mn is my saviour!

thank you thank you all again.

i am dashing in and out today, hence not replying before but i will be back in again later if anyone else has anything to comment.

many many thanks

glad it has helped to post eviletc, keep posting

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
this post shows just what a darling you are
the lo's are incredibly fortunate that they have you.xxx

I might be totally off the mark here so please don't jump on me everybody.

The behaviour of your DS and DD rings a bell with the stuff we did on our adoption prep on attachment disorder.

It's perhaps not quite this as yours are not abused or neglected and presumably had a good relationship with birth mum, but the sudden separation from her at an early age could have left them with a lasting hurt, and the lack of response to normal discipline, violent tantrums, being a bit manipulative etc sound like the sort of thing a lot of foster/adoptive parents see. Something to do with having a very poor self image and feeling they are bad/unlovable/to blame for mum leaving them. It's NOT anything you have done, just a repercussion from what happened.

Well I was going to say that I believe there is therapy available for this sort of thing and you might try and get a referral to CAMHS.

We were told to keep very strict boundaries, but be very loving at the same time, so the child is given a really secure framework and feels safe with you.

I'm sure you are right to be worried - you have to think how they will manage when they are older BUT do remember they are lucky to have a brilliant family now and they just need help to appreciate it and let you love them.

viticella - i somehow missed your post before but it what you say makes a LOT of sense...what is CAMHS?(sorry, probably something really obvious )

i'm bumping this thread as once again i'm worried about ds( if i ever stop being worried about him).
they now are sleeping over at their mother's house for one night every other weekend and she takes them out for tea one night a week. while for them this is great (i don't have, and never have had, any problem with them seeing her), their behaviour, esp ds, has just deteriorated.

what also worries me is that dd seems to view ds as a sort of "alternative parent" when dh isn't around, ie, if she is told off, she will go to him to "tell" on me and be comforted. they used to do this when i first started looking after them which i can understand, but it has only started again since they have been sleeping away. i don't want ds to feel he is responsible for her, esp as he likes to "parent" dd2 as well.

another thing that is strange is that the night after they sleep over he always wakes up in the night complaining that he feels sick and has a stomach ache. this will also happen if he has had some kind of day out (with or without us). quite frequently he is actually sick, but is fine in the morning.this has only begun in the last 4 months(this year really).

any views, anyone? please? this is hastily typed as dd2 is on my lap...

bump

please

CAMHS is Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service I think.

Sorry - can't help with your other issues, but I think you're definitely doing the right thing by seeking counselling for your ds.

thanks littlefish

bump again?

My children take care of each other if I have told one of them off, so I wouldn't read too much in that. Only in my case, my dd who is two goes to cuddle my ds who is five if I'm cross with thim.

They've had a bit of a horrible time with their mother, haven't they? Poor children. They are lucky to have you though. I get the feeling that even though they live with you you aren't really being allowed to mother them properly. I think that might be a mistake. They are little and vulnerable and I think it might actually help them if you could talk to your dh about your taking joint responsibility for their care - ie how you treat your dss's deafness. I wouldn't normally say that as I am a stepmother myself, but it sounds to me as if these children really need a mother, and their bio mother clearly isn't up to the job.
Are you in contact with any charities for deaf children? Behavioural difficulties are not at all unusual in deaf children, largely because of frustration.

thanks aloha

we are vaguely in contact with the NCDS, and ds has regular hospital visits(just for checks), but tbh because he doesn't sign, i feel we are a bit isolated from the deaf community in that way. also nothing seems to be going on near us, any events etc are more than an hours drive away.

i expect you are right about dd going to ds, it is so hard what to think about what is probably perfectly normal behaviour sometimes. i guess i just feel completely obsolete when this happens. plus we know that ds has always had to take care of dd at their mother's house, ie taking her to the toilet when they are out etc.

thank you

finished posting before i meant to - i do have legal responsibility for them and am their main carer - they have very protective grandparents and being as that my own dd is only 11 months, i suppose it is mainly my confidence that prevents me from "taking over" - not really the phrase i'm looking for but DYKWIM?

bump??

I think you sound fantastic. Don't let stuff get in the way of being a mother to your children's siblings! But do remember that children are blooming tricky and drive you to distraction and despair even (especially?) when they are your own biological children! Lots and lots of cuddles is good. Poor mites have been through a lot, haven't they? I honestly think they are lucky to have you to care about them. If you google deaf children and behavioural problems there is quite a lot about it. It's not uncommon. It's nice they take care of each other, but also a little bit sad if they have to do it because their mother won't. Good luck. If you are interested in getting help with the deafness issue, why not post in special needs or start a new thread on 'want to help deaf stepson - what is the best way?' or something. There are a few deaf mumsnetters.

The parenting thing I think is normal (for example ds2 gives ds3 drinks at bed time, if ds3 wakes in the night ds2 has settled him back to sleep beofre- hes only 5). he alsoc comforts ds3 if I tell ds3 off.
CAHMS is child and adolecent metnal health- basically they replace the CDC (child development centre) for school aged children. ,

How is ds' speech? Is he fluent in any communication mode? I do think that can make a difference to behaviour.

You sound as though you're doing a fantastic job.

Not much to offer, really, apart from the fact that ds1 is a sensitive, empathetic boy who went through a phase of being sick every morning before school when he was in year 2 then again in year 5. When he went to secondary school it started again and sometimes he would be sent home from school as he was feeling sick or had a tummy ache.

I don't think you should view this part of his behaviour as 'feigning illness'. I my ds1's case, the symptoms were very real. We were very lucky that the school nurse was prepared to get involved and teach him techniques for dealing with his feelings to avoid the nausea.