Feeling awful about dd's separation anxiety

[abracadabra]

My dd is 8 and a half months and I will be going back to work when she is one - she will be going to a childminder 3 days a week. I have been trying to get her used to spending time apart from me by attending a course at our local family centre - she goes in the creche, I am in the room next door. NOt a great success though as I couldn't bear hearing her crying and kept going in to her to calm her down. Today (the final session)the creche workers persuaded me to leave her with them despite the crying, and she did eventually calm down but burst into tears again when she saw me. I know they all go through it, but I feel so awful about it - worried that a) I have handled it ineptly and made things worse and b) she will be somehow psychologically damaged by my leaving her. I think the latter stems from the fact that I can vividly remember my own separation anxiety when I went to nursery school at around three, and how awful it felt. Confused as well, as we have never done controlled crying with her since some people say this is damaging (although I know this is controversial) but there doesn't seem to be any way of getting her used to being apart from us without her crying for a considerable period of time (it's real, heartrending crying too, not just whinging!). Advice and support needed please! Thanks

sorry abra no advice just thought maybe someone else here would be able to help

bump

My DS is going through the same and as far as I'm aware, it's perfectly normal.
I read somewhere that it can help to play peek-a-boo type games with them and then they get used to the fact you're still there even though they can't see you. It's all to do with having no sense of permanence, I think.
That's all the advice I have I'm afraid but LOADS of support coming your way x

She will grow out of it, all of a sudden, and will pootle off quite happily.

I am a childminder and have a bit of experience with regard to this and from what i know...
children settle better before age 2 apparently
children settle better/ quicker if left to get on with it
She won't be at all damaged by you leaving her she will be more sociable and well adjusted imo.
Don't beat yourself up over it, needs must at the end of the day.

I had a little boy who cried everytime he came, his grandparent insisted on coming with him, all this did was drag it out longer, in the end we decided to let the boy come on his own (he was 2 btw) the first day on his own he cried on and off for 3 hours thinking i would take him home. The next day he cried for an hour max and the same the day after that. Then he had 2 weeks off when he came back he cried for 40mins then he never cried again. He is happy to come infact.
I did loads of research on this at the time and I really did have my doubts to start with but honestly him coming on his own was harder at the very start but much more beneficial for all of us in the long run, he learnt i wasn't going to give in and if he stopped crying he could have fun.

hth a tiny bit i know its hard.

Thanks lovemygirls, that helps. When it comes to getting her used to the childminder, I was planning to do this gradually - ie leave her for an hour at first, then one or more half days, finally a full day. What sort of time period would you recommend doing this over - once a week for a longer period, or several times a week nearer to my going back to work? Also, was the little boy you mentioned an extreme case - do most of them settle more quickly? And is there anything that helps them settle eg. having a toy from home, a piece of mum's clothing etc? Many thanks