6 year old ds HATES being shown how to do something - also very headstrong. Please tell me is this normal???

[Lsmum]

My 6 yr old ds has had an independent nature since he was born. My HV said to me whan he was only 4 weeks old 'he wants to be a big boy REAL quick'. She said she could tell by how alert he was and how he took in everything that was going on around him, even listening intently to our conversations.

Now I'm wondering what I've got on my hands. As a toddler he liked to run off and didn't like having his hand held - we've had a few battles in the past with that kind of thing. He's never been clingy either - I've always been able to leave him somewhere and he doesn't cry for me, or at least it's very rare if he does. Now he's in his second year at school and if I try to help him with any aspect of his homework, or if dh or I try to show him how to do something, he reacts the same way every time. EG, 'I don't need any help!!!', 'I know how to do it', 'I want to do it myself', etc etc. He gets very uptight if we try to help him or show him what to do. I asked him if he reacts like this when his teacher tries to help him, and he said "No, because she's my teacher and that's her job." In other words, if you're not officially in a position to teach me something, then don't even try. He's been like this for a long time.

I'm a bit worried because even though he's a nice-natured, happy boy, he is very strong minded and we have a lot of power type struggles with him - he's not a naughty kid but if he's like this at 6, I'm wondering what on earth he will be like at 15. PLEASE tell me if any of your children sound like this. I feel as though we're disciplining him all the time lately.

Yep

My ds2 is like this and he's only 3 1/2. Very very independent and never wants any help with anything, he'll be screaming with frustration before he admits defeat. Someone once told me that it was a sign of intelligence. Why don't you have a quiet word with the teacher at upcoming parents' evening and see if she can have a word with him and get him to ask for help. He might take it from her mightn't he. I don't think we'll have problems when they're teenagers. He's just going through a phase of trying to assert his intelligence and independence. Sounds like you have a fabulous little boy. Encourage him and don't stress to much.

Sigh..

It is blooming hard though isn't it when they won't take help willingly.

I said to my dh last night, "Why on earth would he take exception to his mother trying to help him with his homework?" He was trying to do a maths question and couldn't quite grasp how to do it, so all I tried to do was give him an easier way to work it out. Is it his pride, or is he already so pig-headed that he doesn't think he needs help from anyone?!

He told me yesterday morning that he's not a kid anymore, he's a 'teenager' now. When I tell him that he's still only a little boy, he refuses to believe it. He's tall for his age but I seriously think he believes that he's almost grown up already.

SIGH.

. Mine is definitely 3 going on 33. They all grow up way to quickly. I'm in the States now and at least they don't start "real" school until 6 so that's something. It's so frustrating isn't it.

My ds is exactly like this although he doesn't think he's a teenager! He has got alot better since starting year 1 and is comming round to the idea that sometimes just sometimes mummy or daddy do actually know things. We've just thought it was all part of his nature. Other people think butter wouldn't melt in his mouth as he is quite shy and that I'm making this stuff up!

He sounds just like my DS3 at that age. In the short term you probably do need to keep on with the battles in order to prevent him from completely reinventing reality (and having to disentangle it all when he really needs to know some science) but he may well settle down in a year or two - DS3 is now in Year 3 and is considerably more manageable. (Actually, if your son is listening to the teacher you're doing better than I was...)

If he's independent about doing his homework (as opposed to being independent about not doing it ), then just leave him to it. After all, it is his homework not yours.

Oh yes, this is familiar. How would he respond if you let him get on with it, but said 'let me know if you need any help'?

I too have difficulty watching dd struggle with something new. She becomes frustrated and upset and somehow thinks she's 'failed' if she can't manage on her own. I tell her that now she's older, things are more complicated. And complicated things must be learned and practised - rather than mastered immediately. I then give her examples of things she's learning to do at the moment - like swim, or read or spell, etc. These are all things that she must be taught, and then practise until she gets better. She doesn't automatically know how to do them straight away. And she'd never figure them out unless she had a teacher to show/help her.

I think she's gradually understanding the concept. But, it's a hard lesson for a bright child who wants to be independent.

In some ways my dd (6) is similar but she is happy to learn from me because she has me classified as "one of her teachers" IYSWIM. In fact she can be very demanding this way, wanting this that and the other explained and saying she doesn't want to play, she wants us me to give her maths exercises or whatever. I sometimes find myself wanting to scream: just PLAY!!!!!!!!! You don't have to learn ALL the time!

I think it is good that dc are strong and so I don't really have a huge problem with that side of things (although there are times...). Mine was also not into holding my hand and was forever running off like a rocket. I think she was 2 when she wanted to know when she could be "free" and do things by herself!

Perhaps it's being at school that's making him feel this way. At school they're always being told what to do and how to do it and I suspect, he just wants a bit of freedom after school hours.

Ask him to help you with something? I sometimes get dd to "help" me with German, although I have no problem with it really. She always glows with pride when I ask her what the word for something is in German as if I'd forgotten it. When they see adults also accept help understanding things sometimes, it is ok for them to do it too I think.

Message withdrawn

Thanks for the messages. Hallgerda I know it's his homework & not mine, but I was really just using that as an example. Sometimes he needs help reading instructions etc, so that's why I'm usually around when he does his homework.

He doesn't like to be shown anything, eg how to hold his golf club or his cricket bat (in order to help him hit the ball more easily), how to build something, how to tie his shoelaces, the list goes on. Anything we try to teach him in order to help him to do something better/more easily. He just doesn't want to know, he'd rather persist in doing it his way or learn the hard way, which is fine I suppose. It's just extremely frustrating for dh & I when we are simply trying to help (and even my parents get it at times) because ds gets uptight & argumentative and it ends up being unpleasant when it didn't have to be.

I know he's only 6 but I'm hoping he won't be this stubborn throughout his life, or he'll probably be his own worst enemy.

Lsmum, my ds is like this, he's four and has always been a very strong and opinionated character, and he's EXACTLY the same in that he will accept instruction from his teachers and helpers at school like a lamb, but if I try then he gets crosser than cross! I get frustrated sometimes because he won't learn things as quickly as others because he won't listen...eg school have to show him how to do his basic letter shapes as he just hates me to do it.

fine, I say, he's got enough time at school to learn stuff, and if he won't be shown by me then I just shrug it off now...good on him for having a strong and independent spirit - I think it will stand our boys in good stead rather than being a problem in life...

but pruni is definitely right. Sometimes if I am very careful with how I approach him and if I use exactly the right words, ds will allow me to show him how to do something...sometimes....