I screamed at ds tonight

[EnglishGirlApproximately]

I'm crying, he's gone to sleep crying. We've both said sorry and made friends but I'm really struggling. I didn't know whether to put this in sleep or behaviour because I'm certain that the sleep issue is creating the behaviour problem.

He's 4.5, hadn't slept through in about 2 years. I've tried everything and don't know what to try next. I've even stopped working to try to give him a better routine but nothing's helped. He's unbearably clingy when he's with me, never wants to leave my side.

In the last few months it got worse, crying when I leave his room at bedtime, trying to climb on me when I'm eating it going to the toilet. He's constantly touching me, touching my face, pulling on my clothes, sitting on me. I find it suffocating and I've just lost it tonight - I just wanted him to go to the toilet on his own and it's ended in an hours worth of screaming 'I don't want to be on my own mummy'

I'm exhausted, what do I do?

Op I have no words of advice, only that I'm going through this right now too with my 4yr 8m old. She does sleep well, thank God but from the minute she wakes to the minute she goes to sleep she is on me. I am at my wits end with it. I have one older and one younger child and wonder if it's middle child syndrome but whatever it is I am really really struggling with it. Sorry to not be more positive, all I keep doing is telling myself it won't last forever, right!?

I have no knowledge about this to offer any advice, but it sounds really difficult for you and just try not to be so hard on yourself about it. I'm sure somebody will be along who has experienced something similar with wise words.,

How is he when he's at school? Do you have a dp who shares the care? Is ds like this with anybody else?

Thanks for your replies. Ds loves school - only started in September but getting on great. His teacher has praised him for being sensible and kind, he's even been nominated by his classmates for scholarship OK council!

DP does as much as he can but is out 7.30-7.30 so most stuff is left to me. He'll try to get up with him on his days off to give me a break, or do bedtime if he's in but ds just screams for me. He's not like it with anyone else just me. If I go as far as the bin he'll tell me he's missed me when I get back.
green it's so draining isn't it? I'm honestly getting to the point where I can't stand being touched and then I feel awful for feeling like that.

school council

Do you think it's to do with starting school? My ds went through a phase like that, he has settled down again a bit for now but I am sure it's to do with getting used to being away from me everyday in school.

It is so wearing when you can't even go to the loo on your own. Ds would cry outside and say he wants to be in the same room as me

I don't think it is tbh, until last month I worked ft so he's always been out all day and went to the school nursery so not a huge change for him. This has been building for months now.

Sometimes this helps with bedtime - if you can find a time when they are a little calm i.e. not right before bedtime, then try asking them to get what they need to make a bed (duvet, toys, pillow etc) and ask them to make a bed somewhere they like. Some children feel less safe and content in a bed for a lot of reasons. It's important not to influence the choices though, you might be suprised. You can use the exercise to observe closely for clues to where the anxiety is based. If you aren't sleeping anyway, you have nothing to lose!

I think anyone who has never yelled when they are tired and emotional is quite possibly lying so don't feel bad about it. Every day is a new day and all that.

At the weekend, can you go out and leave ds and dh together?

Thanks jelly worth a try, at this stage you're right it can't get any worse. crisps unfortunately dp works every Saturday and every other Sunday so I really struggle to get out at all. We have one family day every other week and that's it, so I'm a bit reluctant to go out on my own as that would leave none at all. Dp has ds on a Thursday when he's off but I go to work that day - work from home the rest of the week. He's fine when they're alone but as soon as I get in he's jumping all over me again.

No advice but have been there too DS is the same, he is sleeping on my lap now. Some nights he sleeps on top of me or tangles his hand in my hair to make sure l don't go away. He has to sit on my knee when l wee, lie on the bath floor when l shower, hold to my leg when l cook. It is exhausting and l did lost it before and shouted at him to leave me alone felt awful afterward. and for you.

Obviously there can be hundreds of factors at play but I think one that you can do some unpicking in is sensory issues. Little ones are good at seeking what they need in a sensory way, you might find he wants to sleep on the floor or squashed into a small space. When something is unbalanced it can be incredibly scary for them. Little steps can make big improvements. One of my boys was a terrible sleeper for years, he sleeps on the floor now really well. Well, better, and we are not demented with tiredness anymore. He is 10 now though so maturity plays a part too. It does get easier.

and also for Mozartinmyfanjo especially for the tangling hand in your hair.

Op, yes I'm hearing you. I have to go EVERY WHERE with mine and yes, if I go as far as the next room without her she reacts like I'm leaving home. I try so hard to accommodate it but I'm so SO drained by it.

Oh god mozart that sounds exhausting, hope things start getting better for you soon.

Could you perhaps concentrate on one small thing at a time and use a sticker chart? So for example, every time your DS goes to the toilet on his own he gets a sticker, then 10 stickers= a special game or story with you, or some other small reward? Move on to letting you eat without him climbing on you, letting you go to the loo alone, etc. Build up to bedtimes once he's a little less clingy. Maybe when he's ready a story or music cd to help him stay in bed (as well as you reading a story, never instead of!). He could earn new cds (bought or from the library)....

A couple of years ago I did a reward chart with my ds(now 6) and bought him the dragons sticker book. He earned a packet of stickers when he'd done well...

Good luck.

What I found helpful with my clingy one is not forcing it.
So you go in and sit during bedtime. You then say "oh, must just put this away" and then leave for about 20 seconds.
Praise them for being in bed.
Maybe you don't do that again for the next few days. but then you leave his door open and sort the washing on the landing, keeping a conversation going.
Then another night you go away fro 2 minutes etc.
You gradually increase time away. Always saying what you're doing, where you'll be and returning when you say.

For the toilet, I would have gone with him, but perhaps decided a clean towel was needed and gone to get one when he was settled.

Thanks both. I've tried sticker charts before and he isn't really interested but might be worth another try - he genuinely doesn't seem bothered by rewards. Luckily he falls asleep fairly quickly (doesn't stay asleep!) so staying with him at bedtime isn't that big a deal - it's more that I can't cook, or do anything at all without him following me. It took about 20 minutes to make a bowl of cereal this morning because every time I tried to go to the kitchen he was following me or shouting me. That's what I want to tackle first, him just understanding that he can't sit on me all the time.