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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

2 year old is inconsolable still 7 weeks into pre-school

16 replies

williwonti · 31/10/2016 12:05

I am really struggling as to what to do. He is 2 years 8 months and doing hsi first sessions at a pre-school. He's always either been with myself or my Mum. Usually a bit clingy (i guess) but not so you'd really notice, he's confident, bright, very happy, lovely content child. On the days he goes now, he is so unhappy, not in a loud "look at how much i don't want to go" way but in a quietly sobbing his heart out. It has been 7 weks and no real improvement. It's not the school, they are all lovely, he just hates being left. Every bone in body tells me i have to perservere or i am simply delaying this for Nursery next September but he's so upset...what haven't i thought of? I send in a toy, talking point,...

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ivehadenough10 · 31/10/2016 12:09

Hi op,

Sorry i don't have any advice but i am going through the exact same thing with my ds who is the same age. It is heartbreaking leaving him at nursery. I have just dropped him off and i am currently on my way to work crying . I'll be watching this post for any advice

mouldycheesefan · 31/10/2016 12:10

He is quite young for pre school they generally start age 3. Would a nursery or childminder or nanny be an option? Pre School at age 2 does sound a challenge.
He will be at least 4 when he starts school and 4 is very different to 2-3 so I wouldn't assume it will be the same when he starts school.
💐

Original poster

williwonti · 31/10/2016 13:01

He starts Nursery next September, every morning so this was easing him into it (ha ha!). He's not the youngest by far and no others in his class are the same (appreciate there are across the country). I think we have to get through this at some point and stopping him going will just make next September even harder but I really don't know.

OP posts:

ceara · 31/10/2016 21:12

My DS is only a month older and also started in September, 2 mornings a week. He too has never been to a childcare setting where he was left - always at home with me, DH or my mum. He's finding it hard and we have been doing a sort of gradual withdrawal - we stay in the vicinity of the preschool so he knows we would be there quickly if needed, but out of sight for longer and longer. We're up to being able to leave him for 2 hours (of a 3 hr session) but it's taken a while to get there. They grow a lot between 2 and 3 so even a few months might make a big difference with your son. Keep swimming!

Artandco · 31/10/2016 21:15

He's young. If it's not for actual childcare I would just stop and start again next September

FusionChefGeoff · 31/10/2016 21:22

If you have a choice I'd take him out. He can grow up a lot between now and next year.

Biking007 · 31/10/2016 21:26

Would a childminder be better? My youngest DD was similar in a preschool setting so we cut back the hours and put her back with childminder and she was SO much happier no tears and still got socialised with lots other kids but she felt a lot more secure with CM. She did first whole year at school as youngest in class last yr and was ok.

Cakedoesntjudge · 31/10/2016 21:36

Have the pre school confirmed that he stays upset for the whole session?

My DS used to have me in tears most days because he had to be pulled off of me crying hysterically every single time but I had no option at the time but to put him in childcare. A few weeks in the manager noticed how much it upset me and came out with me, had a chat for about 5 minutes and then told me to go and look through the gate - DS was playing perfectly happy. She told me he almost always immediately stopped as soon as I left, and at most it had only ever taken them a couple of minutes to calm him down.

He was like that all through pre school and through most of reception but seeing him playing happily made it so much easier for me to rationalise leaving at drop offs. Apparently my older DB did exactly the same thing to my DM. It's worth asking because the interaction of the group setting is so beneficial - or at least it was for my DS as I didn't have many friends with children or any young children in the family.

fabulous01 · 31/10/2016 21:41

Yes check whether he stays upset.
If not you have to keep going. Supposedly over 2 is the hardest age.

gemm36 · 31/10/2016 21:49

I work in a pre-school and welcome children from 2.6 yrs.
some settle some don't,
very rarely do they stay upset for the whole session, most of the time they are happy as Larry ten mins after you have left.
My personal top tips.

Take the time to make sure there In and coats off etc before dashing out the door.
Reassurance mummy/daddy will be back in a little while.

3, we have a family board with pics of family they can see at any time.

A favourite book key worker can look at with them.
If you are anxious and upset a child will pick up on this.

Enthusiasm and praise when you collect them wow look what you did today, I'm so proud of you etc etc.

MsMarple · 31/10/2016 21:55

If you don't actually need to leave him there for childcare then I wouldn't push it if I were you. He is very young still for a busy preschool environment and IMO you are just as likely to store up trouble for later by forcing him to keep going now.

If it is any comfort, my DS2 was very clingy and wasn't ready to go anywhere without me even at 3, so I kept him at home for an extra term and he started nursery at 3.5. After a couple of weeks settling in (me staying there with him, and not leaving him if he was unhappy) he came to love it, and after a happy half year there he was flying by the time he got to school this September. Runs in without giving me a backwards glance (sob!) So you really don't need to harden him up already in time for school. After 7 weeks no-one could say you haven't given it a good try. Maybe leave it for a while, then try again when he is a bit older?

Littlefish · 31/10/2016 21:56

If you are being told that he is upset through the session, then honestly, I would just take him out and try again next September. I am a nursery teacher, and occasionally there are children who just fine a group setting too much at this age. You have really perservered, but it's just not working for your poor ds.

Next September is ages away. Try again then.

ThatsNotMyToddler · 01/11/2016 02:23

I would agree if you don't need to leave him then pull him out for now. He will change so much between now and next September - you may not actually need to 'get through' this bit at all. They really grow up in the year 2.6-3.6 ime.

That sort of quiet, heartbroken sobbing is much harder to witness than all-out hysteria - you have my sympathies op (as does your ds)

Qwerdy1234 · 01/11/2016 02:26

Are you able to have him home?

Both my DS and DD started nursery at 3 and neither of them liked it. I took them both out after a couple of weeks, I didn't feel it was working for them.

They started reception happy and fine. But 3 was just too early for them.

Fuckingitup · 01/11/2016 02:56

As other posters, I wouldn't worry about September yet. That's a long way away, he could be completely different. There will be adjustment to it being a different setting then anyway. Also, if he's going to nursery, my impression from friends is that nurseries are often more homely and comforting than the preschool environment anyway.

If its because you need a break - and that's ok of course - I'd look into something different. Maybe childminders. He doesn't need to be in a formal setting.

Also, how often does he go? I started DS1 for 2 sessions to ease him in but he didn't settle until he was going more regularly.

Original poster

williwonti · 01/11/2016 11:44

I have upped his sessions to 3 morning to try and help settle him. He is "very" upset for about 30 minutes apaprently and then he stops but little things set him off. He is better when he has one on one time with some of the assisstants. I kind of do "need" the childcare and just keep thinking he will settle. He knows I come to get him and he would never know I am anxious about it, really because I am not. I am 100% happy with everything about it, he's just not. Thanks for the tip about the photo though, I think that could be a good idea, he can go and look at me when he wants. He's displaying lots of clingy behavious egenrally at the moment and gets very upset when things aren't just "so" - think I need to keep an eye on him! Thanks all. I'm thinking give it a few more weeks and then decide...

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