14 months and driving me pots...or is it the other way round?!HELP!!!

[kutilputil]

I recently did a post on issues regarding my DS and feeding and it did help to chat to other mums and get a positive outlook on the matter and i'm hoping that this time the same will happen and i might get some professional advice as well.
i have begun to hate my behaviour towards my son and am seeing cracks in my parenting skills.before i had him i had it all sorted in the head ans knew most of the stuff necessary to bring up a happy and healthy kid, and i probably still know most of the stuff now, but i cannot apply anything to him...and often resort to shouting at him and forcing him against his will colh heartedly...and then i realise what i did and its too late!i feel like breaking down...whats wrong with me...he is only 14 months and i expect things from him that maybe a 3 year old cannot do!i just dont know how to manage his behaviour...he seems to annoy me most of the time...heres a few of the things he does and believe me they are minor but when he does it i feel like ripping my hair out...he chucks food on the floor, he gets on top of me and immediatly is ready to get off, he hits me on my face as well as my partner, he chucks everything in sight when something doesnt go his way and he has already had three massive tantrums!i know how pathetic!i agree but in the moment it happens i feel he is doing it deliberately...am i going crazy?i find myself shouting at him and frightening him and it then kills me..just today i remembered how fragile and vunerable he was when he was born...and even though a whole month down the line he still is vunerable and is still my baby...so how can i misreat him so much?please help me get out of this rut and better myself and help my son become a intelligent and loving kid.

Oh Kutilputil, you need to calm down! It's hard, I know, my dd is 15 mo and she drives me crazy as well sometimes, but you know they don't do it on purpose! Just look at it from their point of view. They're active and curious and have this uncontrollable urge to learn and explore and then their's someone that always tells them it's wrong and they can't do it. just imagine how incredibly frustrating it must be. Try for a few hours not to say no, it's a real challenge! I listened to myself one day and realised that my every other word was no, so now I try to be positive and distract dd when she's doing something I don't want her to do. I try to keep things she can't play with out of her reach, for example. As for the throwing food on the floor I'm sure they just want a reaction from you. I just show dd a really serious face and completely ingnore her. She's still doing it but I'm sure it's a fase she'll grow out of.

Anyway, I think the problem might be more you than your ds... Are you overwhelmed with work or depressed? Is you dp helping you out? Maybe you need a few hours away from ds every now and then, can someone babysit?

yes maybe your right, maybe i do need time out...i spend every waking and sleeping moment with him and he must find that too much to handle let alone me get time out!...hhmmmmmmmmmmmm.....i just dont know how to do this....once in a blue moon maybe....

i really feel for u do u have a local sure start or play group near u maybe getting together with other mums would help my dh use to find dd1 quite hard some times when she was up to no good thought she was out to get him some times and he asked my why she does these things and my reasons for why a 1 year old do what they do are because they can

"before i had him i had it all sorted in the head ans knew most of the stuff necessary to bring up a happy and healthy kid" - join the club, sista! God, toddlers are hard work, aren't they? He may well improve as his language skills develop and he can tell you more about what he wants. Is he doing it deliberately? Well, in one sense, yes, he has to test every boundary to see what it is, but he means no harm by it.

From what you've said, you feel worse about your behaviour than it is, but as the others have said, maybe you need to get some help for you. And having some time off is essential - it's just too much to cope with otherwise. If you don't have family nearby, how about Homestart?

kuti, so sorry you are not enjoying spending time with your ds. Agree with others, if you are able to get out and about it will cut down on the intensity of your relationship and allow you both some "time out" - invite someone round for a coffee, go out to a toddler group, pop him in the buggy and go out for a walk - all these things help to give you time out even if you can't get away from each other!

WRT the specific things that are causing problems - throwing food: put your face close to his and say "no" in a low, firm voice. Repeat it as necessary (ad nauseum if necessary). If he is consistently doing it, end the meal early (presuming he has eaten some of it).

Getting on and off you - my ds does this (18m). It's often a sign that he is bored and doesn't know what to do next. I tend to go to his toybox and get a few things out (I don't show him, I just start "playing" with things, then leave him to it once he starts playing).

Hitting you in the face: same as the food chucking. Hold his hand gently and say "no" in a firm low voice. Then take his hand and stroke it against your cheek whilst saying "gentle" in a normal voice. You are then modelling the "correct" behaviour for him to imitate.

Throwing stuff around when things don't go his way: Normal. Just ignore him until he has finished tantrumming. Once he has calmed down, give him eye-contact, cuddles and lots of happy voice and smiles. Tantrums are not fun for kids - they don't like being out of control.

And finally - bear in mind that you will need to deal with these behaviours for some time to come! All of these things my ds was doing at 14 months; he is still doing them all. However they have decreased and he will respond to "no" etc (well most of the time).

HTH

my dd2 is 14 months and does most of the things you mentioned.most of the time its just done out of curiosity,and she starts throwing food on the floor when shes finished eating so i just take her out of her highchair and sweep up.the only time dp and i tell her 'no' is when she hits/pulls hair etc,we say 'no' firmly then put her down which i thnk is the furthest you can go with dicipline at this age.

the thing is,dd2 is my 4th child,and i know from experience that theres worse to come.

i find it helps to remember that most of the things they do at this age are just so they can learn,they aren't doing it on purpose to be 'naughty',and tantrums happen because they cant tell you what they want.

I know lots of people hate them but playpens/travelcots (even cots) are great for strops. Once you've made your point (the way you always meant to) and they start going nuts because it's not what they want to hear you chuck 'em in so both of you can cool off and nobody gets hurt. Then you're super lovely mummy for getting them out again.

i've always thought of playpens as an essential when it comes to babies/toddlers